Im only a little crazy...

A few weeks ago I got to go see CLUTCH in concert. I ADORE Clutch and they were freaking incredible live!  But what surprised the hell out of me was this: 

INTERTWINED

This is a local band from here in Grand Junction, CO. Now I am an old lady and have seen my share of local music both here and in San Diego... local music is very hit and miss. You get one good band out of 50 garage bands, usually. INTERTWINED was one of those bands that REALLY capture your attention. I couldn't help but Jam along and even get a head bang or two in. They have a unique sound, outstanding music and lyrics I could *gasp* actually understand! Walking away from that concert I had determined that these guys are worth something!!! Heck yeah!

So they have an opportunity to get themselves out there and what they need are VOTES!  So I ask all o my readers to PLEASE go HERE and vote for INTERTWINED, Grand Junction, CO. The link allows you to preview their music and then you can scroll to the bottom and cast your vote... take it from me these guys deserve a break!

I think I may have found a winning combination, although I am still a little unsure as I need to wait until the nettle leaves my system. I did discover that fenugreek, blessed thistle and the alfalfa are make a HUGE difference in my supply. I am leaking more than ever, and when Dalton has wanted milk, he has had it. And one thing that I had speculated on but never confirmed: marshmallow root actually reduces my supply! Not by much, but enough to notice. Now that I am not taking I see a difference.

Again, until I am sure the nettle is gone (I took the last 2 yesterday evening) I cannot be positive... but I think this may be the DING DING WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!!!

And one last thing... I believe that his supplement bottles are now a habit (or choice) at this point. I am not saying I have a full supply... but he always wants them at the SAME time of day, every day. I can nurse him and hear him swallowing for a good 10 minutes, but if it is near the ba-ba time he starts fussing till he gets it. And I have to ask myself... does it matter? Does it really, truly matter at this point? We nurse like we are exclusive.... he still gets the majority from me... other than the expense (which is minimal in comparison to what it could be) there is really no reason for me to make a stink over it. That being said, I still feel odd every time he gets one; a strange mixture of failure, sadness and regret. Sure, the emotions get less intense but they never really subside completely.

In 10 days from now we celebrate 5 months of breastfeeding... amazing.

Without even the slightest prompting or nudging from me he is starting to have longer, uninterrupted sleep! I don't think he stirred more than 4 times last night, and he would only latch on for a few seconds and pass back out. I love it! My boobs, however, do not. I was hurting this morning, soaked and cold. It was awesome! I was so happy to feel full again... I missed that! Crazy part was I had to wake HIM up to nurse! He was nursing away and I dozed off again. He woke ME up by pawing at my face and when I opened my eyes, he was on his belly sitting up proud as a peacock and smiling like a goofer. Exactly the way I want to be woken up every morning! A beautiful happy baby happy to see me. It's precious beyond words.

With all of the research I have done about breastfeeding (and it has been ALOT) I was bound and determined to not introduce solids until he was 6 months old. There are really two sides to this... and I thought I had picked mine but Dalton has gone against the grain as far as Breastfeeding rules are concerned. Who am I to begrudge him the opportunity to try something new? At 19+ pounds and nearly 28 inches long I believe he may be ready for a little more. I know that at this point solids are not about getting full or even needing the nutrition. But he started to really show interest in food a few weeks ago... grabbing for spoons and snatching things off of my plate. We have let him try applesauce and watermelon (just licking it to try the flavor) and he did not balk at all. Wednesday I was making pumpkin pies for Thanksgiving and I thought to myself "what the heck? let the boy try some pumpkin!"  He LOVED IT. He must have eaten 2 tablespoons, smiling and wiggling the whole time. So I baked a sweet potato yesterday and pureed it with breast milk. I think it was a bit too chunky still (note to self: use the food processor next time!) but he seemed to really like it. He was just not too fond of the texture. I think I also picked a bad time to have him try it... it was kinda late and he was tired. So we will try again today. I also picked up some baby oatmeal yesterday. I am not sure I will introduce it just yet... gonna let him lead the way and see how it all goes down!

Regarding my previous post:  I have determined that all things have played a factor in the difference between our relationships. I still feel a bit awkward about it. But I have decided to make a bigger effort at more quality time with Everit especially.This should help alleviate guilt and hopefully help us feel more connected. Ryan on the other hand is so busy doing his own thing... he is doing SO good in school, has his neighborhood friends and of course Everit as his partner in crime. I feel that as of now, he is in good shape emotionally and I will leave it be. Don't try fixing something that isn't broken!~

I adore my baby. It is almost like a teenage crush. And I would say it was the same for him. I cannot walk away without him staring me down. I cannot be in the same room without holding him. We are totally in love with each other. And it breaks my heart, because I just never had this same bond with my other two. I look back at our relationships and they were just so much different. More of a "this is what you need, here you go, ok let me know if you need something else" kind of deal. OF COURSE there was love and happiness and adoration. But NO WHERE near the scale for me and Dalton. With him, I am a better Mom. Yes, I believe that and feel it. I was not a terrible parent, but not great either. I was impatient. I distanced myself from them in the name of teaching them Independence. I am building up a load of guilt over this.

I speculate on what has made this change between children. Why am I more peaceful? Why is the baby more peaceful? What changed in two years? Perhaps the loss of Taylin made me appreciate a living child more than before. I suppose that with him being my last child, I am more apt to hold onto and appreciate the little things. And surely you cannot discount the personality factor. Dalton is beyond sweet, cuddly, adorable. A contrast quite stark from Everit who did not even crack a smile until he was 4 months. And from Ryan, who was quick to giggle but strictly on his own terms.

The problem I have is the first months for both Everit and Ryan are now a blur. I cannot recall all of those fine details that would answer my burning question. But even then, even if I could recall those moments in time? Would it give me solace? I hate the guilt. I feel like I really did them an injustice somehow. I don't want to spend my remaining years trying to make up for something I may or may not have done, though. I don't want to apologize to them for something they are not really lacking.

I need to find the answer to this question, or make peace with myself somehow. It is painful to carry this doubt. It's not a question of if I love one or the other MORE as my love is equal. But different, so utterly different.

I got all my herbs in! All kinds of new things to try! YAY!!  I got some new one's I had been eyeing... nettle, goats rue and even some Go lacta! So I am going to try a "new" herb per week, and cycle them in and out to see what, if anything changes about my supply.

I don't have enough Goats Rue I think to really get a good kick in, but I decided to take them anyway at 1x3 dosage.  Nettle is 2x3.  And taking the usual fenugreek 4x4, marshmallow root 3x4 and blessed thistle 3x4. And staying with the max dose of DPD at 4x4. I am going to stick with the Fenugreek and thistle and cycle out the marshmallow and nettle this weekend. Then Monday I will start with the Alfalfa, run that a week and see if there is any differences.

I started taking these Monday evening, so I am 2.5 days in to the new herbs. Yesterday Dalton ONLY had 2 supplement bottles! One around 6:30 am and one around 5:30 pm at 5 oz each. So only 10 oz supplement! This is 2oz less than the "norm." It could have easily been a fluke day though so I refuse to count my chickens.

This morning he took a 4 oz bottle like normal. I am really excited to see what he does today!

Oh, and an update on the attitude change.. working like a CHARM. Despite the fact I am still fighting off this cold I have really felt the difference. I have not looked at the clock in 3 nights, and I am really not missing it at all. I was up at 5:30 spry as ever. I am of course a little exhausted by evening time, but that is to be expected, all things considered.

So I have posted here and there about the sleeping troubles.... it has been a month since Dalton last slept through the night. Meaning, for four week he has been up nearly every hour on the hour. And he wants to nurse constantly... all night long. I was getting to the point that I was with Everit. Insane, angry, bitter. And I didn't want to be there anymore. So i was reading on of my favorite breastfeeding books and I am so glad I sought out the sleeping section. It reminded me of the following:

1. Babies don't sleep like adults.

2. I can and will function on little sleep.

3. When deciding to be a breastfeeding Mom I vowed to appreciate every good BF session. EVEN IF THEY ALL HAPPEN AT NIGHT.

4. The only thing that I can control is MY attitude towards it.

So last night I decided that there was to be no more resentment. I let go of my resentment and fear from when Everit was a baby. I let go of my current. I let go of it all and told myself to appreciate every quiet moment with my little baby boy. He is my last child. I will never again in my life have another opportunity to nurse a baby, to wake up with a baby, to be a Mommy to someone who needs me more than anything. And an amazing thing happened. I slept sounder than I have in months. Did he still wake up every hour? yup. And we nursed all night long. But I woke up refreshed and feeling fine.

What an amazing difference. Thank you Lord for showing me the way to that page in that book... it has changed my life for the better.

And so did I... I have totally abandoned this blog in lieu of the Omelet.  In my defense, there has been really nothing noteworthy going on in the breastfeeding department. Until yesterday that is!

Remember my posting about the kind stranger who took a chance on me and sent me the DPD? Well she contacted me again and has a few boxes for sale in addition to some herbs. She was kind enough to ask me first... and I am just SO thankful for her kindness. She is giving it all to me at a VERY fair price. Our financial situation is rather dire at the moment, so this is going to be the biggest blessing we have had in a while.

I have not had any herbs at all for almost a week. Not by choice, but by lack of option. My supply was doing remarkably well until last night when I noticed a sharp decline. I think they finally all left my system and I am just now taking the hit. Thankful today is payday and I can get back on the regimen again. But Dalton has not yet increased his supplement demands, so I am keeping the old supply above water (so to speak.)

With the cold Ryan gave me, and Dalton's all night nursing demands I am more tired than I want to admit. I am trying to stay on top of everything, but more often than not I am zoning out during the day. I feel sluggish and fat and all around crap-a-doodle. I know these nights won't last forever, but I am SO ready for a nice long stretch of good sleep. I am even considering maybe putting him in the pack and play next to the bed. Perhaps all of Andy and I's wiggling around is waking him up? I really do not know. I am trying SO hard to be patient and understanding... this attachment parenting thing is really all new to me.

Last night I had a cruel twist of fate... a migraine headache that set in around 8 o clock. I stayed up with Andy to watch a movie we had been dying to see (Grown Ups..it was hilarious!) and then got to bed by 10. My head was pounding pretty good by then. Well as luck would have it, Dalton was up at 11:30 and beyond. The pounding was SO bad... at 1 am ish I was in tears. Dalton let out an ear piercing scream and I just folded. I had Andy walk him around to keep him calm while I gathered myself to nurse. Thankfully by 3 am the pain was manageable. I HATE migraines. I am blessed that they are short in comparison to many, but I would rather not have them at all. I used to get maybe one a year? I think this is my 3rd this year so far. I hope that us a fluke and not an uptrend.

Here is to a productive as possible day with as many smiles as I can paint on!

Crossin' my fingers and sayin' a prayer! But so far NO THRUSH. The nipple pain was apparently from a crappy BF session we had. 

So I hit the official 6 week mark yesterday. And, I got to say the milk was abundant.. I feel like I did get that last little boost. I am out of herbs, but did manage to get a bottle of fenugreek thank goodness. And a whole dollar cheaper at the grocery store than at the Vitamin cottage... imagine that! 

I am also REALLY starting to toy with the idea of Goats Rue and Shatavari. I haven't got any money to buy just yet, but I am researching its safety with the DPD and it's possible effectiveness.

Ok boring post today.  Sorry bout that......  but I can MORE than make up for it with THIS:

MY NEWSEST BLOG!!  PUT IT IN AN OMELETTE!!!!  Click it baby! And allow your hottest, wildest omelet dreams come to the surface!  YAY!! 

huh.. I am not sure if we have it or not. I do not see any physical signs, yet I do have some nipple pain. BUT I think I can attribute that to a bad nap latch we had on Saturday... because today, so far there has been no pain at all?  I am gonna wait the day out and see. If I am sore again by the evening then I will treat it with the mighty purple happiness. Praying we do not have to!!

And this week I celebrate my 6th week on the domperidone. Bittersweet indeed. I am thankful for having this medication, yet very disappointed that I have reached the absolute peak of my supply, and it is in fact not 100% like I had hoped for. It is hard not to feel down about this. I am an optimist (I try to be, really really try.) But knowing that this is all I will ever make? Bummer. Major bummer. IN addition, we are FLAT BROKE yet again and I cannot even purchase more herbs which I will be running out of by 11 am. So there goes a little bit of my supply. And a little bit of my heart.

I keep thinking well, maybe its not the end? Maybe tomorrow I will wake up with an additional 8 oz in each breast!!  Maybe it is that little dream that has kept me going for this long. I am more than a little sad. I am very sad. I hold out hope for the introduction of the solids at 6 months, and pray that at that time we can be at 100%.

LONG drawn out sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........................

Among other things... 

Yesterday I did not (and still do not) remember if I missed my 3 o'clock dose of meds. I panicked around 6 pm and thought oh crap I didn't! But then second guessed myself. Then panicked again. I took em to be sure. Then I was scared to take another dose around bedtime... and panicked again. And thought about taking them. Then balanced the issues between too many meds and not enough. I went with the lesser of two evils. A little lost milk vs. overdose... it was kind of a no brainer at that point. But I woke up with a raging headache which tells me somewhere in there, I missed a dose.  In conclusion, I am a freaking idiot. I am gonna buy one of those huge pill organizers now... with the days and the times on them so I can't screw up again!  HA!!!

SO last night Mr. Man decided that at 10:30 pm he needed to start his nursing marathon, which was off and on clear until 1:30am. Latch on, get a few drinks, pass out. 5 minutes later stir, latch on, take a few drinks, pass out. I marveled at my breasts and how they managed to accomodate him all night. Let down was quick and he was able to get what he wanted for that period of time. After that we got a stretch until 4 am, and I sat up to feed him so he would get a full belly. It worked until 6 am when we got up for the morning. We nursed untl 6:30, did hid usual morning supplement of 4 oz, and he is back out again. He is content, I am exhausted. And so the world turns once more.

On the COOL front, today I get to pick up a Baby K'Tan carrier to "try out." I am rally excited as it is very moby'ish, yet also a sling style as well. I have been daydreaming about a sling wrap for some time now.. and this one appears to be the best of both worlds! How COOL of her to offer! Thank you again, GJ Caring Hands Doula !!1  You are good peoples! I wish I could have just ONE more baby.. I would hire you in a second! And have a VBACII at home in a tub!


WTH IS GOING ON?

Marathon nursing I suppose is theme of the day today. He is not napping, and nursing like a mad man. Crying again.....

And nope he's out.

Wow... this is like some newborn nursing here. Must be YET another growth spurt? Teething? Grape flavored breasts? Who knows.

Ahh yes... finally my breast feels a little better today. Still sore to the touch, but more of a bruised feeling than a sharp pain! So happy I am on my way to healing! And so far, not a sign of thrush. I really think that grapefruit seed extract is helping some. I still expect us to get it, but maybe not as severe and surely not as quickly. Ha... famous last word's I am sure!

 Now as far as my supply goes.... well I don't know just yet. Yesterday afternoon *seemed* a bit improved. Dalton was less fussy and we were able to get back to minimum supplements. I am not too quick to judge though, as he sometimes has days where food is not a priority. Last night we were able to go without supplement again (thank goodness!) so I think things are looking up. I am going to get some more pumping in today as it surely cannot hurt! As soon as he naps I will do some power pumping again.

Now that I feel like I have kicked the sickness part of this I am going to put my home back together today. I have been "getting by" with surface cleaning since before the Halloween Party and my house looks like something out of a hoarders episode right now. Ok,  maybe not THAT bad... but still not a pretty site. I wouldn't let my Mom come over and see it like this! If you can't show it to Mom, then it needs some TLC.

PUMP UPDATE

So I got 1 oz so far today.. and thats with nursing every 1.5 hours!!!!  Looks like the milk is making its return!

I still have the red sore spot. Although, not as bad as it was. I wore just a thin tank top with no support last night and I think it helped. the WORST part is how sad and sorry my milk supply is. I hate that I worked SO hard to get up to a full healthy supply to have it plummet so quickly. It's breaking my heart. I will pump and pump and nurse and pump again today. Once this duct unplugs and/or the infection cures I am PRAYING my supply returns.

So here comes the "I feel sorry for myself" tirade:  It's unfair that I have to battle this again. I feel like I paid my breastfeeding dues. In the back of my mind I know that I am paying penance for the vanity, but I really feel like I should have had that all paid back now. I am reaching out and trying to share my story... I have not given up at all. I just wish it was my turn to have a healthy overflowing supply. I won't lie... I want an oversupply. I want to feed my baby and still pump 4 oz. Pipe dreams are not healthy I know... but if I keep shooting for the stars, MAYBE I will get just above the atmosphere.

And now a prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father, please bless my breasts with abundant and overflowing milk for my child. Please heal my breasts. I pray this in your Name. Amen.

Woke up to a very sore breast again. I think maybe my nursing tank was putting pressure on the spot and making it worse. So I am going sans bra today hoping it will help heal faster. I really cannot tell if I have a plugged duct or not. It seems like my letdown is really suffering this morning... so it may be. I am going to do some warm compress treatment and a hot shower and then nurse.. I hope it relieves some of the pain. I will also try to get a pump or two in as well... but only if Dalton is fussing at the breast again. If he seems content then I will let him do the work. He does a much better job anyway. SO MUCH for a freezer stash lol.... guess I am gonna have to wait a little while for that. But it does not look like I will be entering the work force any time soon either, so even if I get just 12 oz or so put away in the next two weeks I should be covered for CLUTCH!!!

I do feel better today though... other than this stupid headache that won't go away. I was able to go to sleep at 7 last night with baby boy. He was up at his usual 12, 2, 4, 5, 6 and finally 7 am. But that was 12 hours IN BED. I also opted to not nurse side laying... I wanted to stay off the sore spot as much as possible. I think I ended up on my right side most of the night though. It habit for me to turn towards him so I know he is safe from Daddy's elbows!

I will update throughout the day should anything change.

10 am. 

Pumped like maybe an ounce after a marathon BF session... the sore spot feels better but that  may be the ibuprofin kickin' in.  Milk supply is SHOT. Freaking shot. So sad.

Yup. For sure. I feel like HELL this morning (yes, that quickly from my morning post.)  I have been feeling over tired for days, but I always attributed it to something else. But righty is redder than before and hot to the touch on the red area. And Dalton is fussing like crazy at the breast, even though I am still having a good letdown. So, yeah. I called the nurses to get the OK to get the prescription for antibiotics refilled, but I just called and refilled it anyway. I know what it is. No need to drag the kids into the doc for this one. Especially on this UBER crappy weather day.

So, pump/nurse/pump and try to relax as much as humanly possible. And get ready for the thrush. Fuck.

UPDATE

Not that I didn't already know, lol. But the doc agreed (over the phone thank goodness) so she approved my refill and I am back to square one again with breast drama. My right nipple is tender too. I cannot believe I have to go through this again. But I am well prepared this time! Got all my ducks in a row and I will combat this quickly. I am really hoping that my grapefruit seed extract will do me some proactive justice. I am gonna up my dose to 3 a day again. Wish I could afford prebiotics. I may just pick up some yogurt today and start eating a bowl a day as well.

I guess when you ask for more milk, you gotta pay the price. *sigh*

OOOH a mystery on my blog. I woke up with a sore spot on righty. Its on the side of my breast. When I look at it it looks like 3 fingerprints. Now, when we side lay at night to nurse I hold my breast up for him. I really think I must have fell asleep last night and kind of bruised my breast a little by laying on it. I don't feel ill (although I was very very ill Saturday night, but I am sure that was food related.) My letdown is not affected thus far. I just pumped an ounce after feeding so all systems are go. I am gonna watch it today, and take advantage of my pump. I plan on power pumping/nursing to be proactive just *in case.* Kellymom says that if you catch mastitis early enough, pumping and nursing can remove the infection before antibitoics are needed. Praying this is the case for me. I KNEW this weekend at the Grandparents was gonna be a killer on my breastfeeding schedule.... ALTHOUGH...

I NURSED at the garage sale. In front of everyone, strangers and family alike. I just threw a blanket over us and went for it. I was SO stinking proud of myself! But it was busy and we really did not nurse enough this weekend. He was feisty at the breast yesterday and twice I had to cave into formula again because he was simply too impatient to wait for a letdown. He has his moments. I know the oddity of the schedule caused some issues for him.

And with my power pumping today I am starting a freezer stash. I have always just supplemented him with the fresh milk. But here we are barely taking any formula (7-10 oz now baby!) and I think its a great time to build up a stash. Andy and I are having a night together on November 15th for the CLUTCH concert!  FREAKING WOOT!  And I would be SOO stoked to have only breastmilk for Dalton to enjoy while we are gone for those 7 or so hours!  REMINDing myself to test the waters in a week or so and make sure he will drink defrosted milk... I know some babies are not down with the flavor.

I am so tired and worn down right now. I haven't felt this exhausted  in a very long time. I feel like perhaps I may be coming down with something, but its been almost 4 days and still have nothing that screams "your sick!" save for a little gastro-intestinal unhappiness. And I can easily attribute that to not eating very well lately. Which is directly related to not feeling well. Ah, the circle jerk.

Its more than just a "need some extra sleep" tired. Its that deep down ache of pure fatigue. Every joint in my body seems overexerted. I am starting to wonder if this is maybe a side affect of my recent herbal explosion. I really really hope not, because I am LOVIN the milk being so plentiful. As is Dalton.

Well, no time for whining now. Today is "G" day... the last day to get prepped for Grandma and Grandpa's EPIC garage sale. I am dropping Everit off at a friends house because yesterday he decided it would be cool to escape from their yard. It shaved about 15 years off of my life looking for him.. never again! So he can go play with his little girlfriend, Dani. And I can enjoy a less-stressful day of hard work.

7:00 am... lets see if I can manage to get 3 tired little boys fed, cleaned, dressed and out the door by 7:30. Looks like I get to skip YET another shower, lol. Peeew.

So thanks to the ladies on the Everything Breastfeeding Board .  They confirmed that yes, all this silly sleeping nonsense is indeed a phase, and shall too pass. I am comforted by this. Last night was a little better, I feel more rested than I have in a few days. I also was more calm and patient last night then I have been. Well, until 5:30 this morning.I hate when he gets me up that early. I need to be up to get things done, but OH what I would not give to sleeeeep a little bit longer. On the other hand, what a neat feeling to know that my baby boy needs me, needs my milk, and loves to nurse. Somehow that makes it ok. Even in the throughs of my early morning temper tantrums (yes, I have honest to goodness temper tantrums) I realize that he is not trying to torture me, but rather just lovin' hims mommy.

Everit was up a few times last night too.. and with NO guilt whatsoever I forced Andy to get out of bed and deal with it. It took me 2 years and another kid to prove to myself that I do not need to be the ONLY person doing night time parenting, but I have crossed that boundary line and I feel  better for it. Andy may not, but I certainly do.

Everit was (is) the worst sleeper in the history of children. It was not until he was nearly 20 months old did he sleep through the night. And when I say sleep through the night, I mean this child would wake and cry upwards of 8-10 times per night, every night. Co-sleeping never helped. Stuffies, music, and every other sleeping solution failed miserably. The only thing that worked on him was the infamous "Cry it out" method, which is painful for everyone involved.  He really left a scar on my psyche... and I feel like sometimes Dalton pays for his brother's inability to sleep peacefully. It is a never ending battle I fight within myself to remain calm and cool and not let the frustration boil to the surface.

But in all honesty it has been 3 consecutive years that I have not slept through the night myself. No exageration there... not even a mild exageration. If I wasn't dealing with a screaming child I was dealing with pregnancy insomnia. I have not had the pleasure of even ONE full, uninterrupted nights sleep since I became pregnant with Everit 3 years ago THIS WEEK. I try to take it easy on myself and not buy into the guilt, as it is very obvious I have a reason to be a little cranky in the wee hours of the morning!

This week will be trying, as Grandma and Grandpa are having their garage sale this weekend. We have 2 short days to price items, organize, hang clothes, make signs and clean out the remaining cupboards. Whew. I am So thankful in so many ways I am able to help (and be helped financially) but I am gonna be a pile of exhausted goo by Sunday.

OR something else?

Before I begin let it be known that as a third time Mom I have come to expect the unexpected when it comes to sleeping patterns. I realize that they change daily, and am not in panic mode. But the last 10 nights or so it has been pretty rough on me. I am starting to wonder what the hell is going on here!

Dalton goes to sleep easily around 7-8 ish. He sleeps great until 1 am, when it all falls apart. He is up every hour on the hour. He is not screaming in pain or even really crying at all. He is just wiggly and grunting and rooting and whimpering and making Andy and I completely nuts. I have been latching him on in the side lay position and he will take a few drinks then pass out cold. An hour later it starts over again. And then again. And again. LAST NIGHT this all started at 10:30! Long night.

I try not to give him any supplement at night for two reasons:
1. So he understands that nighttime is for sleeping. He was doing 7-8 hour stretches, so I know he can go that long without starving to death.
2. So he comes to know that boobies are for nighttime. I don't want to be up making bottles at 2 am. I want to give him a snack (or a meal) and let him go back to sleep.

So I caved the last 2 nights and gave him 3-4 oz. in the hopes he would get super full and stay asleep for a few hours. He sucked it down, and I thought OK that's it! He is just extra hungry and needs a full belly. Nope, he is up in an hour rooting and wanting more milk. Latch him back on, 2 sucks, and he is out like trout. For an hour.

I don't mind breastfeeding at night. I am able to doze off while he eats. I will feed him every  hour if this is what he needs. But I am suspect of hunger only because he is not awake and crying which were his previous nighttime hunger cues. I am guessing this is comfort nursing? Keeping in mind the fact that we are still working towards a "normal" breastfeeding relationship, I have read that many babies get most of their milk at night. Perhaps this is what most nursing moms and babies do then?

On a strange note: Since taking those new herbs I have noticed that my palms and arms are itchy. Weird.

Now I love me some DPD... and I love what it can do. But it is such a slow acting medication. You get small bursts of milk production around the week marks. And apparently, at 6 weeks of being on the meds it all levels out and you get what you get. If this is true, then I am definitely never going to be an EBF Mom. As I have said before, I am going to accept BF for what it is. But I am driven to do all I possibly can to make DAMN sure I did my absolute best to make this happen for us. And when he weans I want to look  back and know I tried my hardest.

So I was taking Fenugreek 4x3 and Blessed Thistle 4x3. I did some more research and found I could up that dosage safely, which I did. I also purchased Alfalfa and Marshmallow Root. So, here is my regimen currently:

DPD 4x4
Fenugreek 4x4
Blessed Thistle 3x4
Marshmallow Root 3x4
Alfalfa 2x4

64 individual little pills and capsules. Damn. That's alot of herbs. But if it makes a difference in my milk production then its worth it to me....

And how is it going you ask?

Well I started this Friday morning. I have been diligent about taking them. I didn't notice anything remarkable, but with the party and all I was a bit distracted. Yesterday afternoon I was holding Dalton... just playing with him and whatnots. It wasn't even 1.5 hours after I fed him last (we had a marathon nursing day, it was nice.)  I put him down and Andy said, "Uh babe.. look at your shirt." I looked and WHAT WHAT? BOTH breasts were leaking. NOT just Lefty, Righty too. And I was NOT engorged, did not have any of my normal reasons to be leaking!!!  Which means.... ummm... I don't have a freaking clue what it means. But I was stoked! I really am hoping that meant there is more milk being made! Of course, it could just be that I am finally tuning in with Daltons needs. I am not as convinced of the latter though.... I feel as though I have been in tune with my baby since he was conceived! It is so very odd. But I think it's yet another "normal" thing to leak at random and curious times. Hooray for normal breast behavior!!!! (Did I just type that?)

So yeah, Exclusive Breastfeeding is the goal, naturally. But I realized how fortunate I am that Dalton can switch easily and happily between breast and bottle, human milk and formula. I see alot of other Moms on my birth boards having a rough time getting one or the other to happen. But we are easy peasy in that department. I can bust out a boob or a bottle and he is content either way! Not to mention Andy gets the opportunity to feed him, bond with him, etc...  I really DO have the best of both worlds!

But last night something so sweet... we had a HUGE Halloween party yesterday (I may blog about that later) and I really didn't see him for most of the party. He was getting passed around like a hot potato, and loving every minute of it! I never heard on squeal, screech or cry out of my baby. He is so content!
Anyhoo... after the party was done he was ready to nurse but I had some things to do so I tried giving him a bottle. He outright rejected it... which I found SO odd because I  knew he was hungry. I though, meh he must be over the people and the noise. We went to our bedroom and I tried the bottle again... NOPE. So I offered him boobies, lol. He LIT up like a street light! Smiled, cooed and waved his hands back and forth making the cutest face ever!!!  We nursed for a good 1/2 hour with the fan blowing on us (it was So hot in the house!) He passed out cold on the pillow for about an hour or so.

It's those little moments like that... so poignant and downright yummy. I want to keep those feelings inside of me forever to revisit whenever I need them.

He has nursed and slept all day. It has been SO nice. I love my baby so much.

Its that time of year again.. where we honor our lost little one's. Besides my own experience, I have a plethora of friends and family that have suffered the loss of a child. It breaks my heart to know SO many have suffered.

To my sweet Taylin Jo: We love you SO much and KNOW for a fact you are here watching over us. There has not been one day gone by that I haven't thought of you...who you would be today, what you would look like? While I wouldn't trade your brother in for the world, I would love more than anything to have just ONE more day with you. We will see you at our mansion in Heaven my sweet baby girl. And there we will rejoice and dance and sing.

Here is Taylin's Story.

And while I could not POSSIBLY remember all of my friends and family's losses, I will list here who I can recall and we will light a candle and say a prayer in remembrance


The Benson Family (Taylin)
Alicia (Issac)
Grandma and Grandpa  (Jeffery)
Aunt TT (Rebecca Lynn)
Holly (Love bug)
Juli Bowen (many, many losses)
Kari
Carly (Baby C)
All of the ladies on Pregnancy.org

And finally, to those whom I may not know by name or face but am forever linked in sadness.

Dear Heavenly Father, please bless these families who have suffered with the loss of a child. We know you never take a soul that doesn't need to be taken. We know that you are a loving God and we trust and believe in your reasoning's. You are Almighty. Hold us all in your arms today Lord Jesus, and keep us in comfort through all our days before we reach your Heavenly Gates.  AMEN.

that my child is completely normal.

I have posted about his fussy crazy nursing before... and I could always attribute it to low milk supply... frustration on his part. THEN I thought well, here's the milk and WOW it must be letting down too fast. Frustration for him yet again.

and After researching and reading other experiences I believe that YES it is normal nursing behavior. Looks like alot of babies just fuss and pull and talk and whine at the breast. I guess it is because of all the afore mentioned reasons... maybe the milk is too ample when they just want to comfort nurse. Maybe its too slow when they are particularly hungry. Maybe they sucked in some air and have to burp. Maybe they are just being little pills because they can.

Either way you look at it... my baby is normal and so is our nursing relationship! So fuss on my boy, fuss on... I am ok with that. As long as you keep nursing for as long as you want then I am a happy camper!

I think I have decided to purchase a nursing necklace. I have to run it past Andrew first, but Daltons little hands are just all over the place. He is starting to pull away whenever he hears his brothers voices, or catches a glimpse of something he wants to check out. I think the necklace is really made for babies just like him!

Here is the one I want:  http://www.mommynecklaces.com/Simply-Snazzy_p_492.html

Now to justify the purchase!  MUAHAAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

So I am a huge believer and fan of the paranormal. However, I have never really bought into the ORB aspect of it. I have seen a few compelling things, but felt like they could have been easily explained away. But in the true fashion of the unknown, it takes a personal experience to make you think twice!

So I took this pic sitting on my couch...there is a window sitting behind me but the blinds are shut tight. There was no flash in this pic. I took several pics sitting in the same spot, and pointing in the same direction. This was the only photo that had this anomaly in it. I realize there could be several explanations and am open to all opinions. But I did gasp a bit when I saw this on the camera... and my first thought along with my faster beating heart was, OMG this is Taylin playing with her brother. So whether it is or not, I was comforted by the possibility. And If it is indeed a true spirit Orb what a blessing indeed. I know our passed loved ones watch us all the time... I don't need proof for that. But it would be cool to have another pic of my daughter.

Without further ado... this is the cropped and close up pic...

What makes me really feel strongly towards this being "other worldly" is that there is NOTHING else in this pic to indicate lighting issues, Sun rays, dust, bugs, etc... I also think its odd that you can see his face through it clearly... and I am not entirely sure if that is the way a true Orb manifests. Looking online I found conflicting opinions about that.

Here is the photo in its original state:

Here it is... my whole breastfeeding journey written out in story form. I won't stop blogging about our relationship entirely, but I do feel like I have hit that place where I can now focus on other things. Now that the hard part is over, and I have become accustomed to writing almost daily, I am excited to incorporate the rest of my life back into the blog!

Against all Odds… a Breastfeeding Success Story


Joee Stephan, age 32.

Grand Junction, CO



My story begins at the age 0f 21. I had my breasts augmented (implants) after realizing that God was only going to bless me with an “A” cup. Not acceptable in my opinion. My implants were placed through the bottom half of the nipple. It has since been proven that this placement method can be (and in my case is) as detrimental to milk making as a full reduction. A few months after a seemingly successful surgery, my left breast became swollen and hard. It was determined that my body was rejecting the implant and had become infected. The implant was removed and I had a drain placed for a few weeks. When it came time to replace the implant I chose to have a larger one placed in my right breast as well. Hello, vanity! There was no further issue after the last surgery.

I had my first son when I was 25. Breastfeeding was not something I had strong feelings over one way or another. I latched him on a few times but in a short week he was fully Formula Fed. I remember that I never did feel my milk “come in.” I never felt engorgement, and drying up was a non-issue, as there was nothing there to begin with.

Fast forward 5 years later to the birth of my Second Son. Call it time, maturity, whatever, I was determined to breastfeed this time around. I was sure that IF I wanted it bad enough my milk would be there and we would breastfeed and that would be that. I did little research during pregnancy. We made it a short 5 weeks of partial breastfeeding before I threw in the towel. I DID have milk, but very little. I tried Fenugreek and Mothers Milk Tea only to find that I was not able to make even 25% of what he needed. I also did not have or obtain a good breast pump. Again, I never felt engorgement and drying up was easy. What was horrible though, were the guilt feelings I had once I quit. I felt as if I had done myself and my Son a major disservice. I was emotional to the point I felt like I was mourning a loss. It was at that point I decided I would be successful for the next child.

8 months later I became pregnant again. I was THRILLED and began researching and absorbing all the information I could about breastfeeding. I was in total shock to discover how little I knew about it. It was SO much more than just feeding your little one. It was a bonding mechanism. I understood why I felt so terrible before, and was even more determined to make it work this time. Sadly, at 15 weeks gestation our little girl passed away. After a short and devastating labor she was born silent. At the time there was no way to console that loss or justify it, other than trusting in My Lord. About 2 days after her birthday, I noticed my breasts were swollen and painful. The day after that, I was leaking milk. Something clicked in me that day and my drive to be a successful breastfeeding Mom became damn close to an obsession.

5 months after we lost our baby, I fell pregnant with my newest Son. It was a difficult pregnancy with many, many obstacles. The most difficult being I was to have a repeat C Section. This terrified me… I was SURE that it would cause my milk to delay and things would not get off on the right foot. When I checked into the hospital, I had a PLAN: A breast feeding plan. I made sure everyone who walked into my room knew this plan from top to bottom. The plan was nurse as soon as humanly possible, begin herbs immediately, and pump after every feed from the start. I found that I had SO much support in the hospital for this. Not one nurse even mentioned formula to me. I was loaned a hospital grade pump during my stay, and was able to start pumping right away. Much to my delight I was able to take that pump home with me! I was SO grateful and felt so blessed. My baby’s latch left a lot to be desired. He was not flaring his upper lip and was making that awful sucking sound. My nipples were sore on the first day. He had a very strong, eager suck. He would fall asleep easily. Keeping him awake to eat seemed to be out greatest challenge. I assumed everything was well (as did the nurses) because before we left the hospital my milk was starting to come in. At release my very large (9lbs 9 oz. at birth) Son was down to 8 lbs. 7 oz. I was a little nervous about the weight loss… but my doctor assured me that bigger babies tend to (and safely can) lose a little more weight. I walked out of the hospital confident that we would be just fine.

At home things were going ok. I was breastfeeding constantly. He would suck three times and pass out. Wake up, repeat. Over and over. My nipples were cracked and red and sore. I had read this was normal, and kept refusing to think anything negative. I just kept nursing and pumping and praying. His latch was still terrible, but I kept my mantra going. At 5 days he had a weigh in. He had lost another 3 oz. His stools were green and mucous. My heart fell to the floor. I knew then my supply was not ample, and I had to supplement. I cried… no I BAWLED on the way to the store to buy bottles and formula. It was devastating. When we got home, I fed him his first ever bottle of formula. He sucked down 3 oz. and fell asleep for nearly 3 hours. It was the most heartbreaking day of my life. I was not only losing my battle, I had been starving my own Baby. I must have cried for two hours straight. My Mom and my Husband kept coming in, holding me, and I would just cry harder. I am not sure if they had any idea how painful that was for me. Even now as I recall that moment I am tearing up.

A few days later we did another weigh in. He had gained a few oz. back and was slightly jaundiced. Doctor was confident we were doing just fine and he was healthy. It was hard to believe him at that point. I really felt as if I had failed my baby. I began a grueling routine of Breastfeed, supplement, pump. Over and over. 24 hours a day. It was exhausting to say the least. And on top of it all, he was still a terrible latcher. He still passed out after 2 minutes of sucking. Something was not right here… so I called the Lactation consultants at the hospital and got an appointment. After observation of my sons latch, it was determined he had a tight upper frenulum. Basically, his upper lip is tied and he is unable to maintain suction while latched on. In addition, he exhibited signs of a high pallet, which make it terribly uncomfortable to take a deep latch on the breast. This news was refreshing in that it was NOT just my imagination that things were going badly. It was difficult because this issue was not correctable with anything except time and patience. Time was hard to come by having a two year and a 7 year old at home with me. Patience has never been a virtue of mine. Through the week I rarely latched him on. I pumped and pumped and pumped. But I missed the breastfeeding part of it. It was at this time I decided that I was either going to commit myself 100%, or I was going to quit. In fact, that same evening after yet another failed attempt at a good feed, I said that was it. I won’t pump or latch him on again. I bottle fed him through the night, skipped pumping and just slept. The next morning I was for the VERY first time in my life, engorged. It was painful, and oddly exhilarating. I was giddy with excitement that my breasts were finally doing what they were meant to do… make milk.

The next month brought a host of problems I had never anticipated. I figured that we had been punished enough with the low supply and the latch issues. I could not have been more wrong. We got out first case of thrush, which seemed to go away with Nystatin. My nips were constantly sore and I really attributed that to his poor latch. A week later, I could not latch him on without screaming in pain. I realized that we must have thrush again, and began the Nystatin treatment. That night I became engorged to the point I could not pump anything but a few drops. Latching him on was not even an option, simply too painful to even attempt. I had a large “vein” in my breast that was painful to the touch. Then I saw the white dot on my nipple. A plugged duct. I worked and worked on it with heat compresses and pumping. Finally I latched him on and endured the pain in the hope he would drain the breast. He was able to get enough to give me some relief that night, but the next morning it started again. After 2 days and pressing from my husband, I went to the doc. They prescribed antibiotics for an assumed infection (mastitis) and told me to use the Gentian violet for the thrush. 18 hours after the first application of the purple medication (and lots and lots of giggles) I was able to latch him on without crying out in pain. I will never forget this moment. He looked at me, smiled the biggest smile you ever saw on a baby, and began to nurse. He ate greedily and I was able to observe the most precious of all things… my milk drunk baby. As his eyes rolled back into his head and he fell of my breast in a total coma, I cried harder than I had the day I gave him his first bottle. Only this time it was tears of joy. I had my final Epiphany then… we are going to do this and we are doing it 100%. When we stop, it will be on his terms. Nothing else will get in our way.

Since that moment breastfeeding has been a source of joy in our lives rather than stress. Somewhere around the 12 week mark the whole process just sort of “clicked” for us. I suddenly realized I was no longer watching the clock at feeding time. My nipples had not been sore in weeks. His latch was not only improved, it was perfect. I was able to understand when he was hungry and when he was nursing for comfort. I stopped feeling the quilt over the supplement feedings. We were nursing in public, nursing in front of family members, and in front of the neighbor kids. We were nursing in different positions. The rules seemed to loosen up somehow. We found a flow that worked for us.

I will not sugar coat it and say it has all been roses as it hasn’t. My supply is still low. We have our good days, and then we have our BAD days. I made the decision to take domperidone for my supply. I tried a 2 week trial of it and it made a HUGE difference. After a short (and not welcomed) hiatus I purchased a full 4 month supply. Today, at the three week mark, I am making more milk than I ever dreamed I could! I may never hit 100% supply, and through all of this I realized that exclusive breastfeeding is not what I was seeking all along. It was the bond of the relationship. We have that and it can never be taken away.

Nothing on this earth feels better than putting my sweet baby boy to my breast. Nothing is sweeter than him making his polite “nursing face” and smiling when he gets close to me. I have never been as proud of myself as I am now. Against all odds, I am a breastfeeding Mom.

Let me begin by saying YAY MILK! I feel full and happy and sassy... and without any doubts whatsoever I can say YES! Milk is increasing 10-fold! I believe the 4x4 dosage is working it's magic!

And here's the downside to this: At breast fussiness. Previously the fussiness was due to not enough milk, and I now believe that it may be related to an overactive letdown, lol. Lord we cannot win. I was reading some articles on kellymom about overactive letdown, and It sure does seem as if this is exactly what Dalton is doing now. The sputtering, the back arching, talking, fussing, etc... and the most frustrating thing is if he is even remotely tired or feeling crabs, he gets pissed off and starts to refuse the breast. Not entire refusal.. but I do have to fight with him to get him to stay on and get full.

So WTH do we do now? We retrain I guess... I am getting more and more confident that I am getting closer to making 100% for him. It will now be the process of making him TRUST again. And I need to start trusting too...

I really should be recording the supplement amounts per day so I can see the decrease. But if memory serves at all, I believe there was no more than 10 oz supplemented yesterday!!  I remember making 2- 4 oz bottles that he took only 1 oz from and I had to chuck. In fact, I believe he only took 2 full supplement bottles yesterday... one in the morning (he's always super hungry's in the morning) and one around 4 in the afternoon that I had Ryan give him so I could finish  making soup. I didn't make him another bottle until we got to my In Laws last night... he took 1 oz and that was it.

This could be it!  OMG!!! 

I have milk. I have alot. Last night I pumped after a few hours of not BF (Daddy gave him supplement while I was at the store and then he passed out for the night)  I pumped 3 oz!!!  At night! After only a few hours! Amazing, right? I thought so!

But last night's feedings were simply brutal. I am confused beyond all belief. We nursed and nursed for a good hour off and on between 12 am and 1 am. During this, Everit decided to freak OUT and I was up and down trying to get him back to sleep. Dalton was dozing in and out of session, but he was still nursing fairly well. Around 1:50 he woke up again and I tried to get him to latch, he was NOT having it. Like, not at all. I was tired and irritated so I warmed up those 3 oz and he sucked it down and fell asleep till 5 am.

I latch him on and he's eating away, we doze off and on. I flip us over and latch him on to Righty, he nurses till we both doze off. This was about 5:30 I think? At 6 am he is crying hysterically. I again try to latch him on, he won't have it. I say screw it and get out of bed and take him to the couch to nurse (side laying can be awkward for us, but we are working on it...) and again, he is popping on and off, just being a fuss. Then he started crying again. After another failed attempt at getting him to calm down and nurse I caved and gave him supplement. He sucked down 4 oz!!!  I have sore nipples and I am exhausted. What a night.

BUT AGAIN>>>>> What the FUCK causes these bad nursing days/nights/whatever? After all this time it seems to me we would just have a nice flow 24/7. It breaks my heart when this happens because I feel that tingle of failure all over again. Makes me sick to my stomach. and of course being exhausted doesn't help one bit. I think I managed to eek out 5 hours of sleep total. PANIC!!  Frustration!  MEH!!!!

Getting a hold of myself.....

and...


Breaking down some possible reasons:

A. He is older now, requiring more OZ per feeding... while I am making  MORE milk little by little, he is also upping his requirement as we go. Hoping we meet in the middle SOON.

B. We are at the 3 month mark which is notorious for Growth Spurts. I assumed we were through the worst of it last week. But its very possible he is not quite done.

C. Side laying may not be optimal for us just yet. It IS awkward, particularly with Righty. Maybe he just hasn't quite honed his latching skills in enough to remove all the milk he needs from this position.

D. Mommy's impatience. I gotta admit I am not patient, especially when I am over tired. I forget that babies feel your stress and react off of you. I must find a way to remain calm when things are less than awesome.

Well there I go... 4 solid and valid reasons. How silly of me to assume that things would just be roses and puppies ALL the time. I know better than that!


OKAY I feel better after talking it out with myself. Damn I love this blog.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures


OK OK!!  BWHAAHAHA!!  Ryan is SO the serious little Owl wondering HOW he got this family... LOL.. and ask Everit what he want to eat on any given Day? PAMCAKES!!  And yes yes, Andy and I do say herp and derp. Even on teh regulars.

I was like a kid in a candy store pickin' up my big OL box of drugs from the post office LOL!  My friend and I sat down and popped 400 of those suckers out of their blister packs and into a pill bottle. I love that HUGE bottle of DPD!  I am a total dork, and I know this. I claim it even.

SOOO... I was doing a spot O research... Since I do have an ample supply I think I am going to go with the 4x4 regimen for a while. See how it pans out for me. I see my milk increasing every day, just a little more. I think that without question this is working for me. So I will go for the 160 mg per day.

Yesterday Mr Man took about 14 oz of supplement :0 . And I think 2 of those oz were unnecessary as he was really needing to poop. When  he has to poo he tends to over eat (I think in attempt to push it out?) So he kinda spit most of that back up again. I have VERY little formula left and not a DIME to buy anymore. Maybe I just won't buy it? HOW cool would that freaking be I ask you???

PUMP PUMP PUMP. MUST PUMP. ARghghgh.. must pump. PUMP. Send me JOEE PUMP YOU IDIOT VIBES!!  K thanks.

I am really not sure if these are even worth asking. So I will ponder them here on my little blog of bliss. I realize these behaviors are normal (not worried) but I wonder how many other Moms deal with these little quirks?

1. WHY is he so darn wiggly?  I know babies are wiggly. But he is so wiggly at the breast sometimes it makes me crazy. Pushing, pulling, squirming, talking. And all the while he is popping on and off the breast. He's not refusing it in any way. Just wiggly. It happens at different times of the feeding.... sometimes during letdown, sometimes in between... my guess is he is either getting too much milk or not enough.

2. WHY the good and bad nursing days? I know we just got through a growth spurt... and he was starving for 4 days. Understandable. But I really never know what to expect from nursing one day to the next. He can start out BF'ing beautifully, peacefully, and by noon he is wigglin' and fussin' and milk is dribblin' all over the place making a huge mess and frustrating us both.  On those days I am SO grateful for the pump and the supplement. Even Mommy has a limit on patience. Some days start out that way, and he goes on to nurse without issue for the rest of the day. It's strange.

3. WHAT is with the breast preference? Righty makes more milk no doubt. But Lefty has no let down problem, and really does have more to offer than he as the patience to take. When I pump after a feeding, Lefty always has more. I know he doesn't make more, there's just unclaimed milk in there. I work and work with Dalton, we always do Lefty first...but some days its just not worth the trouble.

If anyone who reads this has some input or stories to share about their LO's odd behaviors, comment! I woudl love to hear what you go through!


OK and the DPD update!  I honestly do not know HOW much more milk I am making... but I know this...

When I ran out of DPD we had to supplement like crazy... I am talking 20-24 oz per day he got with a bottle.

One week after I started back on, we were weaning down a bit. 14-18 oz per day.

Almost at the two week  mark!  I am counting yesterday as the first day out of the recent growth spurt... appx. 12 oz of supplement.

Here are the subtle differences that are indicating to me I am making more milk:

*Leaking after 6 hour sleep stretches from BOTH breasts.

*Dalton gulping at every feed... whether it was 1/2 hour or more hours between sessions.

*Longer letdowns... from around 3 minutes previous, up to 10 minutes current.

*Pain, tingling in breasts after the 2 hour mark... as if they are getting full and letting me know.

*Engorgement at the 6 or more hour mark.

*A strange confidence.... I know there is milk. I just KNOW. May not be all he asks for, but it's there.

I am so excited to see how much more this medication can do for me!!!

im short on time so I will come back later tonight with more sentiment...

BUT 12 WEEKS!  We did it! We Did it! WE DID ITTTT!!!

AND NOW FOR MY REFLECTION:

I was told buy more than one person that at the 12 week mark, breastfeeding becomes, well, normal. Second nature. Easy. Enjoyable. Part of you. I was loathe to believe this and I admit that openely. After all, how could we possibly become harmonious after so many troubles? How could this baby ever be happy at my breast, especially when he know that I am unable to provide his nutriton 100%? Well I was wrong. Almost as if it were magic, we have finally found a rythmn together that cannot be broken.

If you remember me posting about a month back or so... I was asking (in vain) where were these magical tender moments everyone kept talking about? Where he looks into my eyes, and I look into his, and we both smile softly.... you get the picture! We GOT that.

If you remember me posting about a month back or so... WHY am I doing this? WHY am I forcing breastfeeding if it is obviously NOT working??  It works now. And I know why I am doing it. And so does  he.

If you remember me posting about a month back or so...  Im just gonna go until I dry up. I can't keep up with this. My Breasts are broken.  They are not broken! And I am not dryed up! In fact, I am making more and more milk every day (only 13 oz supplement yesterday!)

If you remember me posting about a month back or so... If you read any of it at all... then there is no question about the true MIRACLE it is that I am posting about this.

I want to thank so many people for their help. I know, its not the Academy Awards LOL. But I want to give credit where it is due.

1. My Lord Jesus, who through all things gives me strength.
2. My Best friend Deidre... I love we are taking this journey together!
3. My Husband... who has NEVER ONCE suggested that we give up. Depsite the troubles and emotions, he stood by us every second. Amazing Man.
4. The ORG girls... you know who you are. Every single one of you. Every ((hug)) every tiny sentiment has been one more rung on our ladder to success. I could not have done it without you.
5. BFAR/Low Milk Supply website, book and Forums. Having the chance to connect with women who were in the same unique position was a joy indeed. Our troubles tend to be amplified, and it was nice to have that extra bit of support for our situations.
6. My boys... who sat patiently waiting for snacks and juice and all the things they needed. Who may have wanted to, but never made faces while I have had my boob whipped out. For ushering the neighbor kids away from the door, lol. My sweet boys.

7. And most important... Dalton. You could have given up a LONG time ago. I am still amazed that you didn't. In those early days when you were exhausted just by trying to latch on, starving, upset... you never said no to my efforts. When all the "experts" said you would be confused by the bottle, and spoiled by the formula... you proved them wrong!!! My Baby Boy, I thank you.

It is a miraculous and wonderful day today!

nursing session ever! He was just so calm and content... we nursed for a good hour. We were in postions were have never tried before, and he really seemed to enjoy just bring near me. As did I. I laid back on the couch and he kind of laid on top of me in the cradle positon. At first I was all nerved up trying to hold his head and what not, and then I just let him go on his own. He latches on beautifully now. He just made his own way, nursed till he was done. We did have to top off, but thats ok. If he keeps nursing like that I will have so much more milk!

So what was the difference? Well I see now. It was ME. Not him...ME. I was calm and relaxed. I wasn't worrying about laundry or cleaning or making dinner. Everit was content doing his thing... we even read a couple of  books while he was nursing. It was just SO nice not to have to put time constraint on what we were doing.

Oh and I ordered the movie BABIES. Very cute movie... Everit really enjoyed it too.

WWOHOHOOOOOO!!!  A much needed day at home. Thank you Lord!

After yesterday's non-sleeping fiasco, I was sure Dalton was not going to sleep last night. But I was oh-so-wrong! An 8 hour stretch for me (9 hours for him) and then another 2.5 hours! Didn't get out of bed until 7:30 this morning! Oh how we needed that sleep!

So today, I won't worry too much about the house or my responsibilties. I will nurse and nurse, maybe get in a pump or two. I will enjoy my boys today. I will eat on a regular schedule today. I will RELAX.

How goofy am I to be excited about being stuck to the couch nursing my little boy all day? LOL... I cannot wait.

Since he was born, it has been nothing but one BF roadblock after another. Sore nips, thrush, plugged ducts, growth spurts, visitors, exhaustion, and now its TIME. My Grandparents want to put their house on the market and move back to Cali to be with their kids. I support that 100%. To do so, they must clean out their house/property. Well, 70+ years of stuff collected, and them not having been in good health for the last 10 or more years has really taken its toll on the house. Mind you, its not quite and episode from Hoarders...but it is an undertaking of epic proportions. I am all to happy to help. I love my G unit, and they are compensating us very very well. Lord knows we need this money, they need the help. Its a win-win for both of us no doubt. But it is really making BF difficult... I am SO busy there and morning time is important for two reasons:  1. It's when I have the most milk available and 2. its when Dalton is most needy for comfort. It has really been hard for me, and him too I am sure.

This morning was the last straw for Dalton. He was not comforted anywhere anyway unless he was in my arms and nursing. I KNOW he is going through a growth spurt right now. He needs that milk, that love, that comfort that only Mommy can provide. And I am not able to give myself to him totally. It's very hard. I cannot starve my family (this is the only way we are gonna make it these next few months) and I cannot starve my child for attention. I cannot win at this game, no way now how. The DPD is starting to kick in, and I really need to maximize it's potential by nursing and or pumping as much as humanly possible.

I am trying not to allow myself to feel upset or down by this. I know that I am doing the best I can do, and doing the right thing for my Grandparents..bottom line, they don't have anyone else that can help them. They would be forced to hire strangers to help. And that is just not acceptable.

So I say  prayer to my Lord Jesus:  Lord, you  have provided me the money to buy this medication so I can provide the best for my child. You have opened up an opportunity for us to make money so that we do not lose everything we have. I pray for the strength to get through this hard time. I pray for my baby boy, that he know that his mama loves him and is not trying to ignore him.I pray for my Everit and my Ryan that they know the same. I pray for my breasts, that they may stay full with milk and continue to produce more and more each day. Be with us Lord, carry us in these times we need you most. Most of all, I thank you for my already immense blessings. Amen.

.. and many many thanks to GJ Caring Hands Doula Service for posting my blog link to her page. I really really hope that my story can encourage even ONE mom to stick with breastfeeding. I will also be composing my breastfeeding story and offering it to her for use. I am SO excited that story may be able to reach someone!!!

And some kind of exciting news this morning! Dalton slept an 8 hour stretch (OMG YES!) and then another 2 hours after that! WOOHOOO!!  When I woke up from the first run, I was full, but I did not feel overly full.I was a bit disappointed. I had hoped to be in pain (how stupid is that?) But he ate and ate and ate from both sides. It was about 25 minutes total... and he fell back asleep.

When he got back up at 6:30 we nursed again... he only nursed about 10 minutes on righty, and we went to the living room. I sat him down, and toook a chance and made some coffee.. what? No crying?  I made a bottle because, SURELY he will be starving to death. I nursed him on lefty, one more time on righty (about another 15 minutes total) and then we burped and played a bit. What? NO Crying? OK OK I though. I guess he is just feeling jovial this morning. SURELY he is starving to death. Offered him the bottle. REFUSE. WHAT? Offered it again. He took it, sucked once, all the milk dribbled out of his mouth and he smiled at me. OK he's just into playing. SURELY he is starving to death. Offered it up after a little more play time. NOW he's crying. And refusing the bottle. And fussing. SURELY this child is SO starved, that he cannot even muster the energy to take the bottle. I give up... and put him on the boob again. I will just let him fall asleep and maybe he can regain some energy and eat later. He eats for another 6 minutes or so..pops off ON HIS OWN and smiles.And laughs. And is playing. And 20 minutes, 1 cup of coffee, and a blog later, my SON is still playing on his own happy as a clam and is IN FACT NOT STARVING TO DEATH.

I love you Dopmeridone. I love you.

So I may be losing my mind, but I think that YES 48 hours after the DPD I am already making more milk! Praise God! I guess the title is a bit conservative... because it is an enormous difference from last week. I think this is a combo of the herbs and the DPD. I cannot even express my excitement at having enough to take this higher dose, and be able to allow the medication to work to its full potential!

ON the downside of this... I really cannot make a decision on whether or not I want to start pumping as of yet. Yes yes, more milk removed is more  milk made... but as I am not yet making a lot milk, I am loathe to pump inbetween. I would rather Dalton get used to milk being at the breast again VS. making him work his butt off for a few drops. My gut says that as long as I BF on demand for now and allow those meds to get into my system then I can enjoy another pump free week or so. I'm gonna go with that for now. If I notice I am making alot more milk then I will start pumping again.

SO another thing I have been considering: If this DPD brings me to a full (or over) supply I think I may start a freezer stash! He is used to and comfortable with the formula for now. Why not take a month to freeze away some of my milk, get ahead of myself a bit. By doing this I will have my BM on hand for emergencies. If we can't afford the formula and I can't BF for some reason, well we will have a little nest egg to fall back on! A BM savings account of sorts!

And on a final note for today:  I love breastfeeding. This is everything I dreamed it could be. Yes the struggle can wear on me at times, but it is SO FLIPPIN WORTH IT. I want to be an advocate for breastfeeding. I have no formal education, but I feel that the problems I have encountered and endured make me a great candidate for encouraging other women to stick with it. I may look into this today If I find the time. Our local LLL is lacking in support... I would love to help bring it back!

The DPD arrived last night! I took 5 pills straight away! I am SO happy and thankful for the kindness of a stranger!  When I get my shipment in, I am going to write a nice thank you note for her, and maybe even send a jar of home canned tomatoes as a gesture. She took a very real chance sending that to me, and I really want to properly express my gratitude to her!

I have been waffling about the dosage.. but I have settled on the 140mg to start. I think it will give me a jumpstart on my milk production and saving my sad sad supply.  If I find it overfills me (wouldn't that be awesome?) I can always back off.

I have not been doing my supply any justice though. I have been working so much at my Grandparents these last few weeks I have been sacrificing all of my precious pump time... I wouldn't change it for the world as I love helping my Grandparents, but I know I need to take this weekend to nurse/pump nurse/pump. Poor Andy. he probably would like one weekend where I am not sleeping and/or too busy to pay attention.  These first few months of babyhood are always the toughest!

WAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  The call of the WILD!!  Off I go!

the milk that is. I think the herbs are finally kicking in!!  What a nice feeling! I hated being all floppy and empty. Weaning is gonna be hell for me, whenever that happens.

 PRAYING the DPD arrives in the mail today! Oh how I would squeal and smile! And I got shipping confirmation for my order as well... hope we make it through customs!

And so.. we will be hitting the 11 week mark on Thursday. I can hardly believe that A. My  baby is 11 weeks and B. I haven't given up yet. Two little miracles that mean so much to me! And despite the issues we have had I have to say that I LOVE breastfeeding. Even on the tough days. And all those people who said it gets easier? They were right. Problems or no problems, it is now something I believe is a solid part of our lives. It no longer consumes my every waking thought like it did before. I am more relaxed about it. Hitting that point where I am proud of any drop he gets has been the most amazing milestone for me. OF COURSE I would love nothing more than to be his sole source of nutrition. But really, with all my breasts have been through they are doing an amazing job. And Dalton and I share something special together. A little something different from my other baby boys. I have such a unique and special connection to all my babies... I love them all so much and so individually. I wish there were a way to put into words how differently and wonderfully you love each of your children! NO way to explain it... you just gotta be there.

MEH MEH  MEH!!!  I promised myself I wouldn't panic... but I lied to myself. Because I am panicking.

The difference between this week and last week is ENORMOUS. Dalton was SO happy last week on the boob... He would pause halfway through that 10 minute let down and just smile! Now he is back to fussing and squirming and kneeding and scratching and oh it breaks my heart. Just breaks my heart.

I pumped to see what was going on... I got about a 2 minute let down and got about 1/2 oz. Yes I had just fed him but still... how depressing.  I am very thankful we still  have alot of formula! I bet we finish off that giant can before the DPD gets here.

THE GOOD NEWS IS!!  We will have enough to buy a buttload of DPD. AND I was on a forum yesterday that I frequent, and a person had posted that she had some spare DPD boxes she could send out. I thought, what the heck I will PM her and see if maybe she would be willing to help a total stranger out. Well PRAISE GOD she is more than willing. She will ship it out today, and I will simply send her the replacements when mine arrives. How awesome is THIS? So instead of 2 more weeks of NO supply I can get back on track by next week. Im touched and amazed by her kindness. It stands to reason though... low supply chicks need to stick together, lol.

So I am thinking my supply is pooped out and sadness and depression over it, blah blah.

He ate at around 6:30, and I followed up with 3 oz of forumula. He napped until we got back from dropping of Ryan at school. We nursed for like I dunno 30 minutes total-ish?  When he was done, he was alert, happy, and is still playing and smiling and doing his thing.

DID HE GET FULL? Is that even possible? 

Check back for more updates.

AND he took 3 oz of formula after another 15 minutes of nursing. *sigh* so close.

My supply that is. 24 hours without the meds and the greek and bam! Im making 1/2 the milk I was. I had to give him a bottle twice already, and its only 6 am. I didn't wake up feeling full like I have been. He is not swallowing as greedily as he was. Poopsticks.

ON a scary note, I woke up this morning to a blank computer screen with nothing but a DOS prompt. I almost melted down right then and there. Thankfully, it was just a windows update that made things a bit screwy and somehow was trying to make my computer boot up from the wrong drive. Even more thankful I know enough about computers to understand that was the issue. Little things like that can cause one alot of time, money and heartache if you do not understand the basics!

I cannot even FATHOM losing the pictures on this computer. I cried instantly thinking of what I could have lost. SO, looks like I will be devoting some serious time to organizing and backing up my photos. Ironically, while trying to fall asleep last night I was thinking of how I would like to organize my pics into more reasonable and accessible folders. I really do have quite the mess, lol. I will do little bits at a time and back up as much as I can as I go.

Best news of all, I have COFFEE!!!  Yeah scored a new carafe last night at Kmart. I couldn't endure another coffee free day. Or rather, no one would want to endure me. I am going to my Grandparents to clean today. LOL.. another reason coffee is so flippin' important.

Later on today or tomorrow I will be blogging about an idea that was planted in my head. Non BF related. I am going to gather some more details today, and hopefully start organizing some thoughts about it. Might be something big!

the Domperidone is a SUCCESS!!  I have so much more milk than I ever did! I fed him exclusively breast last night and this morning!  And with more milk, he is more patient at the breast, and eats more. Yeah, that stuff is the BOMB.

I am SO sad I have to wait so long for my next shipment. I talked with Andy, and he told me if I feel its worth it then we will buy it. I really really do... I feel strongly if I keep going with it I may reach EBF status within a month or two! Or at least 90%! 

So Friday I will order more, and PRAY it doesn't take the full 2 weeks to arrive again. Although it most likely will, so I will prepare myself for that. But getting a 64 day supply, I won't run short and I can keep this miracle working. This very pricey miracle, lol.

I am nervous about keeping my supply good while waiting. I will have to stay disciplined, and not get frustrated. I will have to pump often. I will have to make this work. I CAN do this!!  Heck, this is a cakewalk compared to all the crap we have been through thus far LOL!

FARK FARK!!  I am out of Fenugreek seed too... and blessed thistle. All I have are 5 Mothers Milk tea Bags. FARK!  Ok now I am very nervous about my supply.... Oh say a prayer for me!

So Dalton dun got himself overtired this weekend. Last night was a little tough. He really didn't even nap yesterday, save for a few cat naps.

I have BF'd him most of the morning... and gave into 3 oz of formula because he just kept passing out from exhaustion, yet would startle awake starved, repeat repeat. So I topped him off, and he took only about 1.5 oz before he finally fell asleep. He has been down for around an hour now. Praying he takes a good one!

So I pumped because I felt full even after the morning BF-athon. 3 OZ!!  WOOHOOO!!  Thats alot for me if I am acutally putting him to the breast! I am really stoked on that... and a little depressed because....

this is my last full day of DPD, then I am out. I cannot order any until Friday. Which means another 2 weeks before it gets here. SO bummed, as I really really feel like it is working for me. My breasts look full and firm again, I am pumping and feeding and making that baby happy whenever he wants milk. Yes, we still supplement with the formula. But I am going to try (not KILL MYSELF) but try to get into a BF/pump cycle that allows me to supplement with EBM only. Wouldn't that rule? Of course, the next 2 weeks I will be pumping just keep my already meager supply above water. Damn i wish I had really thought that purchase out a little more. Ah well..

SO I figured out.. i am taking 100 mg per day and getting decent results. It is said you can take up to 140mg safely. I really wanna try taking that higher dose. If the 100 mg is doing this well, I may do even  better with more. I want to order a 2 month supply, so I am covered for another couple of paychecks.

140 mg day = 14 pills.

2 months= 8 weeks= 56 days.

56 days x 14 pills per day = 784 pills.

I will purchase the 900 pill package at $115

900 pills will get me an additional 116 pills.

116 pills / 14 per day = 8 more days of pills.

So, for $115 I will have a 64 day supply. No too bad actually. Come on Friday.

And because I am weird:

I spent $28 on 100 pills = $.28 per pill.

$.28 per pill x 900 = $252!!!  So yeah... Im gonna save a dollar or so buying bulk! Crap at that price I may have to buy even more, lol..

Before I jump on my soapbox,I would like to announce that we are NOW breastfeeding pain free! I honestly do not which medication (or both?) is working, but something is and I am forever grateful! No more seething pain, no more agonizing engorgement. I am letting down even more easily than I was before all this drama began! Yesterday evening I applied our final dose of GV to my breasts, and lefty decided It was time to let down LOL. I HAD to hand express into a bottle! There was no stopping her. Got about 1/2 oz just from that!  And Righty followed suit. Luckily I was able to snatch Dalton first and latch him on. Of course, it made purple disaster. I look like I got in a fight with a room of finger painting preschoolers. Its all good though! I would gladly be purple for the duration if it means my BF relationship is intact.  I will probably look into grapefruit seed extract and lechticin as well. Preventative care may be the ticket to keeping my ducts free and clear.

I may have some lofty opinions about BF. Not because I feel like I am an expert, lol. 9 weeks of pure BF hell has left me somewhat more educated, however I will not pretend i know more than the experts. But I am troubled by the advice that is given to mothers about BF. Specifically about their supply level and the things that can sabotage it. I do not argue the basics. Yes, you must BF (or pump) to make milk. Yes, it is supply and demand. Yes, most women DO make enough to satisfy their little ones.

I was reading something earlier this morning; a small bit of advice dolled out to an acquaintance. It really upset me. Basically the mom was worried she was not making enough (aren't we all?) and was just looking for support. She admitted to giving EBM a few times a day in a bottle. Then the advice came, and it to me it was so..ugh. "You may be losing your BF relationship" "Your supply will suffer greatly." It made my stomach turn. Here was a person who was OBVIOUSLY succeeding at BF, but a first time Mom and a bit nervous. She needed support, encouragement and a pat on the back. NOT some diatribe about losing her supply because she pumped off some milk to feed her baby at night.

 THERE IS NOT JUST ONE WAY TO BF YOUR CHILD. There are SO many variations. Some BF a little, some exclusively. Some pump, some bottle feed, some supplement. Bottom line, a Mother MUST find a groove that works for her and the baby. And it is not always going to fall into the lines of the "perfect" breastfeeding recipe.

Maybe because I have to supplement I am more lax on the issue? I just cannot stand to see these women being told at every corner and turn that their milk is gonna dry up if they miss a feeding. Or give a bottle. Or sleep for 5 hours. It's WRONG and in my opinion very bullying advice. For the last 9 weeks, I have had every single BF issue there is to have. And I have used a bottle, missed feedings, stopped BF'ing for days at a time, missed pumping opportunities, skipped BF'ing just CUZ I DIDN"T WANNA!  And well, I still have MILK!  And just as much  milk as I have had the entire time. Hell, even more now (that may be the DPD working though.)

So badly, I want to write a book or force women to read my blog. I want them to see that while those books do have the absolute scientific facts behind BF, there is nothing in those books that help a woman feel OK about their "own way." I spent the first month in an absolute panic thinking that if I even farted in the wrong direction I was gonna dry up and starve my child. I really really think this is the WRONG approach to encouraging breastfeeding. We should not be made to FEAR it. We should be taught to understand the things that can go wrong and how to remedy them. But not fear mongered. Breastfeeding should be approached with respect and knowledge but in a relaxed manner. Know that troubles may happen and if they do, HERE is your arsenal of information to help you through.

On the flip side of the coin that same advice makes it sound as if you just BF and BF and BF that is going to be the magic that makes your relationship flourish. It is made to be so simple... put the baby next your boob. Baby will magically latch on, eat till he's full and go to sleep. Repeat every 1.5 hours or so. HA!!! Its the answer to everything it seems. Again, not arguing the scientific facts of BF. But hell no it is not the way it goes for everyone. There are only 5,000,000 variations on how your BF relationship will go... and I really feel like that is misrepresented.

OK enough rambling on. In summary, DO NOT make women scared to BF. Encourage them to find their own rhythm. Remember that your BF relationship is unlike anyone Else's. No fear mongering about supply...seriously enough of that crap. This is not the 1800's, nor is it the plains of Africa. We DO have options, and they can and should be safely excercised if need be. ENCOURAGE ENCOURAGE ENCOURAGE. NO more fear people. NO MORE FEAR.

WE NURSED WE NURSED!!!  AYYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you Lord, thank you Jesus! Thank you to anyone and everyone who prayed! WE NURSED! Practically PAIN FREE!  I cannot believe it! And good nursing too... not just a few sad minutes... 20 minutes of pure BLISS!!  He was giggling! And smiling! And I was crying... only tears of JOY this time!

AYYAYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Purple is my color, apparently. I wear it well. According to Andy, the purple nips are "f*&*** HAWT. Like pasties."  LOL. See why I love this man so much?

It was not as bad as I thought it would be...but we didn't nurse yet either. I used olive oil on Daltons cheeks to help the staining and it worked! We were able to contain the purple to the mouth only.I think he looks adorable! Like a  little zombie baby! And what do we feed zombie babies???????

PURPLE MILK!!! Talk about the shock of a lifetime when I pumped last night, LOL!  It really is a beautiful hue. A little tough to get over the color, lol. I thought for sure he would reject it! But he chomped down OZ's and is now sleeping like teh un-dead!!!

I am very happy that I quit being stubborn and went to the doc. My breast hurts so bad still. This is more than thrush without any doubt. I am still engorged from last night. I cannot empty this breast to save my life... and it's making me extremely nervous. I keep pumping for short periods of time, 5-10 minutes. That's all i can really take, pain wise. I am getting little bits and little bits.... I am hoping, like yesterday and the day before, it finally releases the milk. Usually the 9 am pump lets it go. I hope so.

I have prayed over myself for healing. And if anyone who reads this has an extra moment to spare, I would really appreciate a healing prayer. I just feel like I have been hurting for months and months. I want to wake up NOT in pain. I wanna nurse my baby. I wanna walk my son to school. I need these things in my life. PLEASE LORD JESUS HEAL MY BODY!!!  Amen!

Well Doc has me on antibiotics, and MUCH to my surprise said to use the gentian violet. So, here we go. She suspects that it may be the clogged duct still clogged up, and that there may be an infection in there stopping it from going away. I concur, because I just pump and saw floaters in my milk... so I think she may be right on the money!

And PRAISE GOD... because that dingy lady yesterday at the pharmacy forgot to order the violet! And the other pharmacy I usually use was out. AND it was gonna cost me $16. Well when I went to get my AB's, the lady found a small bottle in the back and it was only $3!!!  YAY!  So I can hopefully get some relief SOON. I am going to do my first treatment after I get home from picking up Ryan from school. Not looking forward to being purple... but I cannot wait to nurse my baby again. I can't believe how much I miss it.

Oh and hello milk! I am pumping 2 oz almost every single time! How exciting! I may just have a chance at a decent supply after all... even if I have to wait another 3 weeks for another supply of DPD.


_____________________________________________________________________________
Well this is it.. I am gonna go to my Doc's hopefully today. This pain won't subside no matter what I do. Maybe its more than thrush. I think it's time I admit that. I ordered Gentian Violet from the pharmacy yesterday so that should be here today sometime. I dunno. If it is mastitis, then I will be prescribed antibiotics, which will make me have even more yeast troubles than I already do. I will ask him if I can do the violet and the meds both. I am really hoping he will give me something for the pain. Ibuprofin doesn't touch it anymore. *sigh*  Please, someone tell me this is the last trouble we will have!!! 

The thing that torks me off the most I think, is that this all went down just after getting the DPD. So I have NO idea if this stuff is working because I am unable to efficently remove my milk, therefore sabotaging the whole process. I have considered just stopping and waiting until this is all over. Maybe I will do that. OR is it the one thing that has kept me from drying up? Nothing is ever easy for me.

How stupid am I? No really... I get the award today.

So the nipple pain has been EPIC ever since the plugged duct from last Thursday. And I kept making excuses for it... Oh its leftover pain, OH its his latch, OH its his tooth, OH its the new pump. BLAH BLAH. I have been barely able to nurse, and he really has not been able to keep his latch.

The other HUGE issue is that my letdown has really been, well, letting me down *snicker*  I kept blaming it on the pump, the pain, the engorgement, the bad latch, etc... Had a new excuse every single time. But I have never ever had a letdown issue, and it just seemed so out of place.

THRUSH you freaking idiot Joee, THRUSH. How many articles have I purused? How many books do I own? LAME. I have thrush, and I have it BAAAD. RED, flaky nipples, intense nipple and deep tissue pain, sharp shooting pain for an hour after feeding, no letdown, swollen unhappy boobs. DUH DUH DUH DUH. Dalton on the other hand has NO white patches whatsoever. Which is why I refused to believe it. AAAHHAA.

Nystatin! To the RESCUE! I think not. I am going to use it for the rest of the day, but after I pick up Squids from school I am going to get some gentian violet. I have read it really is the way to go, although the purple baby and purple nipples will be a bit akward.

FARK FARK FARK!!  I could have dealt with this a WEEK ago had i acutally paid some freaking attention!

*sigh*

ON a good note, Finally righty let down. I think the Nystatin must be something.

Totally OT and TMI, but my ass hurts... moving on...

I *think* me and my pump are starting to come to terms with each other. I am learning how to make it work for me, and in exchange, pump is doing its job of removing milk. It is still hesitant to take alot, BUT this morning even after BF I got 3 oz. Not too shabby... of course I had to work for it lol. And this may be the result of the DPD as well.

So I stand with two very frustrating issues at the moment (ok, three if you count these stupid hemmies!)

1. Daltons latch. Righty got sore from the that duct, and I am in a cycle I can't seem to escape from. Now its UBER painful to nurse again, which makes it hard for me to relax, which makes it hard for him to relax, and there you have it. Not so successful sessions at the moment. In addition to that, he decided to stay all cracked out yesterday and didn't nap for nearly 9 hours. And last night was not so great for sleep. So he is overtired and nippin'and nappin'. It kills my boobies. He needs a good 3 hour nap and to wake up fully hungry and awake. Tired Dalton has a killer latch!

2. Lefty. Dalton is all but refusing lefty now. I try every time, and he just pulls and tugs and fusses and cries and fusses and pulls and tugs. Now the girls have never been of equal size, no not even with implants. Lefty has always been sad and small and awkward (hence the reason I got the boobs in the first place!!!) But the size difference has now become painfully obvious. She keeps making milk though, despite being brutally rebuffed. Poor Lefty. Always been in second place.

Everyday, something new to stress over.

Oh and I am gonna do a pump/feed check in today. I wanna see if the DPD is making a difference at all. Today I will nurse and pump and see what's shakin'. I will also record his formula intake so I get an idea. Tomorrow I may do just a straight pump day..still not sure about that!

So here goes 9 am to 9 am (24 hour)

PUMPING OUTPUT (with nursing)

9 am   = 3 oz

10 am = 1.5 oz

1 pm  = .5 oz


FORMULA FEED

1:15 pm  3 oz formula, 1 oz EBM




BREASTFEED LENGTH (appx)

11:00 am 5 minutes (then 4.5 oz EBM)

12:00 10 minutes (8 for righty, 2 for lefty)