Friday, May 28, 2010

about why my mood has been so terribly negative. Obviously, besides the blood pressure worries, I have been unusually negative and grumpy and blah. Way beyond the hormones, people. WAY beyond.

But then I realized, there was something under the surface. And that something is the rapidly approaching 1 year mark of the day I delivered our sweet Angel, Taylin Jo. On May 30th at 1:00 am our beautiful and silent baby was delivered. And it was the most heartbreaking and poignant event of my life.

Funny how our subconscious can work like that, so silent under the surface. Dredging up fears and doubts. But when I thought about her, and read her story, and looked at her tiny little body I felt a sense of relief I have not felt in weeks. Its as if she was doing all she could to make me recognize her and deal with that pain that, lets be honest, will never subside.

I called MIL to ask if we could come over on Sunday to celebrate her little life. She informed me that of course, we were welcome, but that she had bad news. Taylin's rosebush had succumbed to the last unexpected freeze. My fucking heart broke. I don't know if MIL heard my voice break, but I felt if even for a moment that Taylin had died again. Its not like I don't know that she was not meant for earth. I know this. But WOW does it hurt to think about the what could have beens.

I also have this irrational fear that May 30th will be the day the Dalton comes. And I don't want him to come on that day. That is Taylin's day. So little Dalton, please stay in your little water filled home until after May 30th, ok? Cuz that is your Sisters birthday.

In real life, I am a pillar of strength to my family and friends. Unshakable at times. In my emotional reality, I am total mess right now. I don't want to go and face her grave. I don't want to relive that day, or the day before that. I don't want to collapse and bawl for hours. But I think its what I must do. I must purge this from my soul, or risk alienating my children and husband for the remainder of this pregnancy.

Lord, please be there with us on Sunday. Please hold us in your arms. Please send us comfort. Amen.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Doc of choosing will now accept me to be a patient. Thank goodness. I am relieved. Still pining for a VBAC, but thankful that I have SOMEONE to perform the section, lol. Who am I kidding, I am not changing this late in the game.

And, they are going to try to rebill the insurance, but no promises. If they deny it, then they will accept small good faith payments. Don't know how that will work out either, but heck I'll take it. They are being more than fair to me. This is 1/2 my fault too.

Ok, insurance is set, bags are packed, lets have a freaking baby!

Today I want!

I want to be in a good mood. I do not want to be down about this pregnancy anymore. I want to appreciate the fact that I still have a healthy baby growing inside of me. I want to be patient.

33 weeks today! I have come this far...why am I so determined to make the last few weeks so damn miserable? Is is jealousy? Is it lack of gratitude? Can I blame my hormones?

Fact remains, this little guy need minimum 4 weeks more to be strong and healthy on the outside. I know this, the very fiber of my being knows this. Yet, here I am, dwelling on the fact that I don't want to be pregnant anymore.

I am ashamed of myself to be honest. I have worked so hard at becoming the upbeat, positive thinking person that I want to be. And here I am not even taking my own advice when it comes to this difficult time. People ask me how am I am feeling, and I want to rip their eyes out and say NOT FUCKING OK, OK? Even though I have little to complain over.

Hey, judge me if you want, I am just trying to be honest with myself and my emotions right now.

Every venture outdoors leads to people asking my if its twins, OMG no WAY i have a month left, OMG no WAY you are gonna make it that far, OMG no WAY that baby is too low, blah blah blah. I think I have actually bought into all this crap. Even though I know full well that I will indeed continue to get larger and my body will continue to handle this.

I am still not convinced that my blood pressure will stay on a healthy course. Nor am I convinced that the C section is the best option for me either. I know, a little late in the game to be changing my mind about it. But why have a major surgery I don't need? I am beginning to consider a VBAC. heavily even. The only reason I stayed with Dr Madrid is because I liked him so much. Now that he has become so grumpy and cold and distracted, I am unsure if there is a reason for me to continue seeing him at all.

Waiting anxiously for the phone call today about the insurance issue. Should be interesting.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

So had my appointment this morning. First of all, BP is down which is great. Stil higher than normal at 139/84, but better.

My doc on the other hand is still being very odd, and I wish he would go back to normal. He just doesn't seem concerened about anything anymore. And it bothers me terribly. NOT that I am having some huge emergency pregnancy, but I have concerns, and I just feel like I am not being listented to.

THEN we go to schedule the pre op with the C section doc, and he denies me because i supposedly owe money. So I call, and come to find out they billed the wrong insurance two years ago!!! So who knows if that will get resolved or not? I think I may be screwed.

Maybe Doc will have to let me have a VBAC now. Or maybe I just need to switch docs alltogether. I dunno... im too fucking emotional to make any sound decisions these days.

Either way, the baby comes out eventually. Maybe not as soon as I hoped, Maybe I will get all the way to July. I may lose my fucking mind before then, but whatever. Its SO out of my control at this point.

Bitter you say? Do I sound like that? Well, I am. I wont lie. i am done being pregnant. I dont want to wait another 8 weeks. I get sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

I need a fucking xanax and a beer.

Monday, May 24, 2010

.. and a new Beginning!

So Blah, I never blog. LOL. You would think that as much as I love to share my thoughts I would keep up with it.

So I am going to dedicate my blog, temporarily, to my pregnancy. This is, after all, my very last one. And its not entirely trouble free, which makes at the very least a semi-interesting read.

So some background, I am 32 weeks and some days today. At 24 weeks, I ended up going to L&D for some contractions and general ickiness... turns out I had a bacterial infection. 1 round of some seriously crappy antibiotics later, the infection was gone ALONG with every good bacteria my body had. Since that time, my digestive system has been less than happy to say the least.

A few weeks ago at my normal appointment my BP was up. My baseline for this pregnancy had been 120/80. I read a 138/85. Protein was at a trace in my urine. The next day, I felt awful. I was weak, and tired and dizzy all day. I brushed it off as a bad day. That next day, I woke up feeling the same awful feeling. I drug myself to Wal Mart for a few things, and stopped at the BP machine just to check. My BP was 159/95. I called my doc, who promptly sent me to L&D to get checked out.

At L&D, my BP fluctuated for some time. Eventually it took a slow decline to above baseline, but manageable readings. I was contracting irregularly. In the meantime they checked me for another infection (negative) and dilation (closed and high). There was nothing else that concerned them. They sent me home and said Rest.

The week after I followed up with my Doc,. My BP had risen to a steady 148/84. He said to go home and rest. I plagued him with questions about all of this. Was I going to get Pre E? Medications? What about the baby? etc... to which he replied, well, your not going to get to your due date that's for sure. We will watch you close. Call if anything gets worse. Go home and rest.

That Friday (about 4 days after that appt.) I woke up with terrible cramping, Diarrhea, contractions, nausea, dizziness, etc... felt HORRIBLE. I called the docs office, and he called back within the hour. I explained how i felt, and he said....... STOP EATING DAIRY. Uhhh,,, what? im sorry, did you say stop eating dairy? As if dairy products have suddenly after 32 years become my mortal enemy? Causing contractions and HBP? I was crushed. Crushed that I was being given a brush off by a Man I trusted. I proceeded to eat dairy as usual, contract for most of the day, and get through it. I was close to going to L&D but the thought of being laughed at was too much. So I rode it out.

Since that day, I have been very aware of a few things:

1. My BP is spiking more and more often. Especially with activity. And when it spikes, its staying elevated longer.

2. The contractions are getting more painful, occurring more often, and if ever so slowly, becoming closer and closer together. I can easily tell the difference between a BH and real one now.

3. My Digestive system is behaving as it has since that antibiotic. Nothing new there. And I am still eating the shit out of dairy.

4. My Carpal tunnel is getting worse by the day. My hands are numb/tingling almost 24/7.

5. Swelling is happening earlier and earlier. Before my feet would swell around 4 pm or later. I am now swollen by 10 am, and my ankles and calves and swelling too. I need only bump my hands and they will pit. I do not appear POOFY persay, but the swelling is there.

SO my concern is that I am slowly developing Pre Eclampsia, which is bad. And since my doc is so loathe to offer information these days (his personality has changed drastically these last few months) I was forced to do my own research. I found a forum on a pre e website that has a wealth of information, and real life experiences that I feel give me a good base of knowledge. Granted, these ladies are mostly experiencing worst case scenarios. So i am getting myself all worked up (I will admit that.)

The main thing about this disease its, its silent. It can creep up on you in a matter of hours, minutes, days, weeks or even months. The signs may be so subtle as to fly under the radar undetected (or un appreciated). All the while your body and your baby is slowly suffering the affects. There are proactive steps that can be taken to look closer at whether or not there is damage being done... such as blood tests, 24 hour urine catch and US's to check baby for growth and the placenta for issues. But how do you ask a doctor to do these things? Surely he KNOWS whats best, right? If he finds no cause for immediate concern, why should I?

My issue is not so much doctor trust, as it is my own mental status. Should I peak and end up with an emergency section and a preemie due to this I will forever regret not being more opinionated about my care. If i push all of this testing, and nothing is wrong, i will be the crazy hypochondriac crazy lady that all doctors hate. I don't want to be in either position.

I am in limbo... and for a bossy control freak like myself, its the worst place to be. EVER. I have made the choice to be upbeat and positive about whats going on. But the stress and worry is wearing on me. I want this to be taken seriously, and want to know WTF is going on. I would rather have a preemie whos care could be taken control of outside of the womb then have him succumb to a failing placenta. I would rather be put on a slightly risky medication to control this BP OR DELIVER EARLY then have a seizure at home when I am by myself with just the boys.

Now i know that the longer he cooks, the better off he will be. I don't need to be told this. a preemie is a sad and hard situation for everyone. But I am not afraid to admit that I would prefer this to another month or more of waiting, worrying, wondering, on edge all the time. Especially when the risks for placental issues are so high.

Damn it felt good to get this out. I may post a few times or more a day just to vent and get my mind off of it.