Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Today I want!

I want to be in a good mood. I do not want to be down about this pregnancy anymore. I want to appreciate the fact that I still have a healthy baby growing inside of me. I want to be patient.

33 weeks today! I have come this far...why am I so determined to make the last few weeks so damn miserable? Is is jealousy? Is it lack of gratitude? Can I blame my hormones?

Fact remains, this little guy need minimum 4 weeks more to be strong and healthy on the outside. I know this, the very fiber of my being knows this. Yet, here I am, dwelling on the fact that I don't want to be pregnant anymore.

I am ashamed of myself to be honest. I have worked so hard at becoming the upbeat, positive thinking person that I want to be. And here I am not even taking my own advice when it comes to this difficult time. People ask me how am I am feeling, and I want to rip their eyes out and say NOT FUCKING OK, OK? Even though I have little to complain over.

Hey, judge me if you want, I am just trying to be honest with myself and my emotions right now.

Every venture outdoors leads to people asking my if its twins, OMG no WAY i have a month left, OMG no WAY you are gonna make it that far, OMG no WAY that baby is too low, blah blah blah. I think I have actually bought into all this crap. Even though I know full well that I will indeed continue to get larger and my body will continue to handle this.

I am still not convinced that my blood pressure will stay on a healthy course. Nor am I convinced that the C section is the best option for me either. I know, a little late in the game to be changing my mind about it. But why have a major surgery I don't need? I am beginning to consider a VBAC. heavily even. The only reason I stayed with Dr Madrid is because I liked him so much. Now that he has become so grumpy and cold and distracted, I am unsure if there is a reason for me to continue seeing him at all.

Waiting anxiously for the phone call today about the insurance issue. Should be interesting.


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