Friday, May 28, 2010

about why my mood has been so terribly negative. Obviously, besides the blood pressure worries, I have been unusually negative and grumpy and blah. Way beyond the hormones, people. WAY beyond.

But then I realized, there was something under the surface. And that something is the rapidly approaching 1 year mark of the day I delivered our sweet Angel, Taylin Jo. On May 30th at 1:00 am our beautiful and silent baby was delivered. And it was the most heartbreaking and poignant event of my life.

Funny how our subconscious can work like that, so silent under the surface. Dredging up fears and doubts. But when I thought about her, and read her story, and looked at her tiny little body I felt a sense of relief I have not felt in weeks. Its as if she was doing all she could to make me recognize her and deal with that pain that, lets be honest, will never subside.

I called MIL to ask if we could come over on Sunday to celebrate her little life. She informed me that of course, we were welcome, but that she had bad news. Taylin's rosebush had succumbed to the last unexpected freeze. My fucking heart broke. I don't know if MIL heard my voice break, but I felt if even for a moment that Taylin had died again. Its not like I don't know that she was not meant for earth. I know this. But WOW does it hurt to think about the what could have beens.

I also have this irrational fear that May 30th will be the day the Dalton comes. And I don't want him to come on that day. That is Taylin's day. So little Dalton, please stay in your little water filled home until after May 30th, ok? Cuz that is your Sisters birthday.

In real life, I am a pillar of strength to my family and friends. Unshakable at times. In my emotional reality, I am total mess right now. I don't want to go and face her grave. I don't want to relive that day, or the day before that. I don't want to collapse and bawl for hours. But I think its what I must do. I must purge this from my soul, or risk alienating my children and husband for the remainder of this pregnancy.

Lord, please be there with us on Sunday. Please hold us in your arms. Please send us comfort. Amen.


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