Monday, September 21, 2009


And waiting and waiting and waiting.

Waiting for money to be saved.

Waiting for a house to be purchased.

Waiting for good news to come our way.

But the worst of it, is waiting to be pregnant again. NO I mean waiting to even TRY! Its bad enough when you are trying and waiting for those two lines to pop up. BUT to not even be trying, and wanting? And waiting.

I am not doing ok with this. I want to be pregnant again. I am ready for another baby.

I don't want to wait anymore. I am done waiting.

WHAT THE FUCK are we waiting for anyway? Why? Is there really a good time to start trying? WHY THE FUCK MUST I WAIT?

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

that I am still going through the grieving process. Grieving for my baby, and for my sense of self that was lost when we moved here. I am happy to report that I feel much more positive today. Maybe yesterday was more cathartic than destructive.

I understand that I need to be more vocal (whether it be here on my blog or with friends or family) about my feelings and not let them sit inside and rot me away slowly. I think I understand that having emotions (other than happiness and contentment) are indeed healthy and it is OK to have them now and again.

I think I understand that I am not a superwoman. I am not capable of being perfect every day. I cannot act as I am.

I KNOW that my children and husband are not perfect, always have. I need to accept my own faults as I accept theirs. There IS room for failure. And I need to know that once in a while I may be the one who failed.

I need to trust in the Lord, and not question his way. Because there is only HIS way.

Peace, sweet peace, please flood over me as you have done before. Jesus hold me until this bad part of my life goes away. Help me to see the whole picture, and not just my own page. AMEN.