Sunday, November 21, 2010

I adore my baby. It is almost like a teenage crush. And I would say it was the same for him. I cannot walk away without him staring me down. I cannot be in the same room without holding him. We are totally in love with each other. And it breaks my heart, because I just never had this same bond with my other two. I look back at our relationships and they were just so much different. More of a "this is what you need, here you go, ok let me know if you need something else" kind of deal. OF COURSE there was love and happiness and adoration. But NO WHERE near the scale for me and Dalton. With him, I am a better Mom. Yes, I believe that and feel it. I was not a terrible parent, but not great either. I was impatient. I distanced myself from them in the name of teaching them Independence. I am building up a load of guilt over this.

I speculate on what has made this change between children. Why am I more peaceful? Why is the baby more peaceful? What changed in two years? Perhaps the loss of Taylin made me appreciate a living child more than before. I suppose that with him being my last child, I am more apt to hold onto and appreciate the little things. And surely you cannot discount the personality factor. Dalton is beyond sweet, cuddly, adorable. A contrast quite stark from Everit who did not even crack a smile until he was 4 months. And from Ryan, who was quick to giggle but strictly on his own terms.

The problem I have is the first months for both Everit and Ryan are now a blur. I cannot recall all of those fine details that would answer my burning question. But even then, even if I could recall those moments in time? Would it give me solace? I hate the guilt. I feel like I really did them an injustice somehow. I don't want to spend my remaining years trying to make up for something I may or may not have done, though. I don't want to apologize to them for something they are not really lacking.

I need to find the answer to this question, or make peace with myself somehow. It is painful to carry this doubt. It's not a question of if I love one or the other MORE as my love is equal. But different, so utterly different.


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