Im only a little crazy...

Ugh. I do hate Mondays. And the funny thing is, when we decided I was to be a SAHM, I thought the weeks and days would no longer matter. HAHA!! I still feel the pain of the Monday.

This morning Ryan was as stubborn as ever (have I ever mentioned how much I HATE having to get him up and ready for school?) He refused to get out of bed, and when he did he decided to move at a snails pace and change his clothes twice. THEN he thought he needed to spike his hair. I obliged, letting him know that he may in fact be late to school and I was NOT going to write him an excuse for it. He took the chance. So I did it. And he hated it. So HE did it. And it looked like something out of a bad 80's movie...no joke. All mullety and ugh, so bad. I had to tell him! I mean, really... no respectable Mother would let her child go to school looking like that. Well, I was as gentle as I could be, but it was devasating to him none the less. So I took a deep breath, drank a giant gulp of coffee and just went away. He fixed his hair again. It was not as bad as the first Doo, however I still had to squint my eyes when I looked at it. I think in the real world, thats called compromise. In a parents world, its called defeat. Ryan 1, Mom 0.

Last weekend Andy took me too see Paranormal Activity! So the question is... was it as scary as they make it look?

Answer: YES. And then some.

Now, I refuse to be a spoiler. Because It would have been heartbreaking had someone spoiled it for me.

But I will offer my opinion on the movie... and please if you have seen it, feel free to comment and we can discuss!

It is not a traditional scary like Halloween or Nightmare on Elm street. Blood and Gore are not needed in this film to scare the very pants off you. This movie is frightening because of one reason only: It HAS happened to people, and realistically, it could happen to you. The appeal of this film is the Blair Witch-Esq approach. A constant tension builder that refuses to let you relax for fear of what may happen next. It is predictable in its own right... but that does not take away from the fright factor in any way.

On a scale from 1-10, I give it a 9.

AND PLEASE TAKE THE POLL AT THE BOTTOM OF MY PAGE!

After reading all the back posts, i was QUITE disenchanted with my blog. It was whiny and annoying to read. Sure sure, life has been poopy to say the least. But that's no reason to make a boring blog!

And so, i have decided to make a structure for my Blog in effort to not only make it enjoyable, but make me explore the other side of life (ya know! the one that doesn't always involve me and my own drama?)

So here is what I have come up with... subject to change at any given time because its MY damn blog and I will do whatever the hell I WANT! *ahem*

without further ado... i present....

FLIPPIN MONDAY!
Face it, Mondays suck balls and no one likes em. And they suck balls. So this is my rant, rave, whine, whatevers irritating me day. Anything from personal issues to irritating news articles.

TAKE MY CHILDREN! TUESDAYS
Whats new in the world of toddler hood? What on earth did Ryan say today? Explore the world of my kids... Gifted, talented, full of energy!

WTF WEDNESDAY?
This should be the funnest day of all! I will scour the interwebz for the silliest, craziest, and DUMBEST stuff evers. And of course add my witty commentary (isn't THIS what you read my blog for anyway?)

TONE IT DOWN THURSDAYS
We are all antsy for the weekend by now. But its not here yet! So chill out, and enjoy a nice calm read. Christianity, inspirational stories, fuzzy bunnies and rainbows and unicorns!

FREAKY FRIDAYS!
So its no mystery that I am OBSESSED with the paranormal! Friday I will explore that world! Topics will include but not be limited too: Ghosts, spirits, demons, psychics, intuition, latest paranormal show reviews, etc...

Saturday and Sunday will be blog free... I mean I gotta give everyone else who blogs a chance, right? AAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

And waiting and waiting and waiting.

Waiting for money to be saved.

Waiting for a house to be purchased.

Waiting for good news to come our way.

But the worst of it, is waiting to be pregnant again. NO I mean waiting to even TRY! Its bad enough when you are trying and waiting for those two lines to pop up. BUT to not even be trying, and wanting? And waiting.

I am not doing ok with this. I want to be pregnant again. I am ready for another baby.

I don't want to wait anymore. I am done waiting.

WHAT THE FUCK are we waiting for anyway? Why? Is there really a good time to start trying? WHY THE FUCK MUST I WAIT?

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

that I am still going through the grieving process. Grieving for my baby, and for my sense of self that was lost when we moved here. I am happy to report that I feel much more positive today. Maybe yesterday was more cathartic than destructive.

I understand that I need to be more vocal (whether it be here on my blog or with friends or family) about my feelings and not let them sit inside and rot me away slowly. I think I understand that having emotions (other than happiness and contentment) are indeed healthy and it is OK to have them now and again.

I think I understand that I am not a superwoman. I am not capable of being perfect every day. I cannot act as I am.

I KNOW that my children and husband are not perfect, always have. I need to accept my own faults as I accept theirs. There IS room for failure. And I need to know that once in a while I may be the one who failed.

I need to trust in the Lord, and not question his way. Because there is only HIS way.

Peace, sweet peace, please flood over me as you have done before. Jesus hold me until this bad part of my life goes away. Help me to see the whole picture, and not just my own page. AMEN.

This is copied from a post on the ORG... yes, its mine.

I hate that I feel so empty inside right now. You would think, really, that with two beautiful children I would feel more grateful. But I don't, not right now at least. I hurt, more than anyone could ever know I hurt. I feel robbed. Robbed of my baby, robbed of my home, robbed of my happiness.

Yesh, I know, good things will come. I KNOW its just a bump in the road. I KNOW THIS. I HATE IT just the same. I feel like I am outside of myself, looking down at my life. All the while shaking my head, wondering what I did to deserve all of this pain and heartache. If I sound ungrateful, its because right now I really feel like I am. If I sound like a selfish, self serving brat thats because I feel like that right now. I am sick of being thankful, because it gets me nowhere. I am sick of being optimistic, because it does not change the outcome. I am sick of wondering what could have been, because it wasn't and I can never go back.

All day yesterday I was so cold, so empty. I did not want to be around another living soul. And DH kept coming to me, trying to comfort. All I wanted to do was hit him and tell him to go away. I felt no comfort, I only felt emberassed because I was so depressed. Like, I am not allowed to feel that way. They depend on me to be the outgoing personality, the one who says its gonna be ok. Well, from my side of the porch, things are NOT ok, I am not happy, and I do not want to act like I am anymore.

I pray every day. For something. Anything. And as much as I love the Lord, I get so upset with him sometimes. Because HE CAN SEE me crying, hurting. And he just waits. Piles on the stress, piles on the bad outcomes, and waits. What gets me the most is I WILL look back one day and I will know there was a reason for this. But right now I cannot see the forest for the trees. Dear God I need a break. I need a break.

Well so much for being irritable. Well, I still am, but today is cry day. I cried when I dropped Ryan off to school... I cried on the shower when I ran out of conditioner, lol.

Symptoms Check!

Backache... check

Crampy feeling... check

Sore BB's... check

Nausea!... back again and check

Achy hip joints... new and check

Creamy cm... check and check

So I have POAS a few times... I see the faintest (and I mean faintest) possible line you can imagine. But its there just the same. Its not enough to make me call it, by any means., But it does give me the faintest glimmer of hope. And I cannot POAS again until Monday, which is good lol.

Praying that this is a good weekend. I just dont need another downer. Sunday is the 3 month Anniversary of Taylins death. Great. Looking forward to that one.

5-6 DPO

I want to start out by saying, WOOHOO! I feel like poop! LOL... have had the runs all day. Yesterday my cramping was really bad, all the way into the evening. I got up twice again to pee last night.

I am less moody today though, thats good. Kids survived yesterday, although just barely. I even barked at my MIL (oops) followed by a very feverent apology.

Heartburn started after I had my first cup of coffee.

I am craving bratwurst, which I had for breakfast lol. (enter more heartburn). I also put spicy mustard on my bagel too...

Nips are sore! Way sore. And I may be seeing things, but everything looks more pronounced in the chesty area....

The pinching/cramping/pulling/aching continues on as before. Dull, but there.

When can I test again?????? UGH... i think I am going to go to Dollar tree today lol. I KNOW I swore I wouldn't!!! But the urge to POAS is too much for me to bear right now.

CD 17, 3-4 DPO (who really ever knows, right?)

Woke up raging irritated this morning. I have a bad attitude, and no patience for anyone or anything. Say a little prayer for my kids...they may need it today.

That dull ache/twinge/pull is still there, ever present. I STILL feel like AF should be here right now. Like I have everything BUT the bleeding part. The tummy ache, the backache, the irritability.

OH and I woke up to two nice big zits on my chin, lol. Yeah, this is by far the strangest cycle of my life.

Last night I got up twice to pee. This morning I was hurting I had to pee so bad!

So, to be clear about this... I hope I am pregnant, of course. But if I am not this journal will speak volumes about the possibility that my fibroid(s) are indeed wreaking havoc on me, and there may be a need for medical intervention. I know most docs stay lax about them... knowing they will go away on their own. But, if this thing is big enough to cause a second tri miscarriage, and mimic pregnancy symptoms during a non-pregnant cycle, then it is my humble opinion that there may be a need for some sort of surgery/medication to get rid of them (it).

ETA ETA ETA!!!
MY freaking boobs are freaking leaking people. Yes... sore nips started a few hours ago... I look down and WTF? I have drops of liquid!

I can ditch it and no one cares! LOL...

Been a while. Lots and lots has happened. Nothing I wanna rehash though.


So here I am, thinking I may have done something a little on the dumb side. So me and DH were ya know, doing the deed. And without being to gory, it ended up being a full injection. So to speak. Now, I said to him we should be totally safe! I have not been ovulating until CD 16 or 18 or more, so no worries! I NEVER ovulate early! Ha eh ahhh eh eh meh.

People... I may very well be in the running for a May baby. Lets break down my cycle here:

Spermjection occured on CD 9 (August 18th)

CD 11, I began to have watery CM and cramping and naseua and moodiness and sore boobies and yeah, I REALLY felt like AF was on its way.

The next day, CD 12 I had cramps in the evening (sharp and lo, right side mostly) and then some brown CM... hmmmm?

CD 13 brought more spotting and CM, and all of the same PRE AF symptoms that I had been having since CD 11. Along with feeling exhausted and worn down and extra crampiness.

CD 14 the spotting had subsided, and I moved onto more watery CM. LOTS of CM. The symptoms all subsided.. EXCEPT the crampiness, which became duller but still very there. (OH and we BD this night too... no j'ections tho.)

CD 15 nothing except those weird cramps. Turned into more of a tugging pulling feeling. Cm is now creamy and very abundant.

TODAY: CD 16. MORE of the cramps/pulls/achiness. CM is creamy, abundant, and starting to irritate me.

So.... breaking it down here is what we have: Possible ovulation around CD 12-13. (could be later too, ya know) Sperms can live up to 5 days inside, so catching the egg is a distinct possibilty.

And there is more! This is the MOST intense ovulation I have ever experienced. The symptoms were so pronounced, and this is the first time I have ever spotted during/around O time. Makes me wonder if maybe there was not more than one egg released... I know there is no way to know, lol. But I wonder just the same!

Well, hell. I am gonna do a daily diary of my symptoms. If I am pregnant, than I have a super detailed list of happiness to share (and proof that symptoms CAN and DO occur before that BFP shows)... OR.... this may be nothing but a huge waste of time and effort and I shall be left to feel icky once again.

AF is here! Hooray!

And a shout out to my good friend D, who shows me the light on even my darkest days! MUAH!

AF decided not to show after all. So I am once again in limbo. Andy has decided that I am not worthy of speaking to, because *gasp I made him get out of bed to go to work, which he was already late for.

NOT IN THE MOOD.

I guess I cannot be all bubbles and sunshine all the time, right? I started spotting this morning, but no AF yet. I am cramping, and crying, lol. Grumpy. I feel like she is here but nothing is happenening!

I have tons of housework to do after the party mess. Andy is supposedly coming home early, and if texts say anything at all he is in a worse mood than I am. I hope we can just slide through today without too much drama. *sigh*

FWIW, my in laws, I am sorry. Really really sorry. You know why.

Happy Birthday America!

With so many changes going on every day...so many negative things happening this may be one of the most meaningful Fourths I have celebrated. I know that America is in a bad way right now. We as a nation, have no faith in anything. Not our President, not our economic system, and hell lets not be coy, have we EVER trusted politics and government? We fear the middle east, we fear our dependence on THEIR oil (which we don't need, but that's another blog for another day.) We fear North Korea (in my opinion, they SHOULD be feared.) And all the while we are back slipping, further and further away from the very principles that our country was founded on! Gone is morality. Gone is the Christan, God Fearing beliefs we have known to be true from the beginning. The devil has his hooks in our great country.

Now, I am not at all upset that this is happening. The Bible prophesies all of this and more. I see it as one step closer to the end. Its scares me, of course. I do not want my children to suffer. I do not want my family to suffer. But I am ok with being that much closer to meeting my Lord.

A few weeks ago, I engaged in a debate with some agnostics/atheists/non believers. (Everything quoted is paraphrased and generalized, not direct quotes.) I was quite shocked by their feelings towards Christianity. They despise it. They feel that it is a religion that has been ruling people with fear for centuries. Well, LOL, YES! It is a fear based religion! Fear of God and his wrath, fear of Hell! Their general consensus was, "I don't want to feel bad about what I do..." so they do as they please. Not saying they are wicked, not at all. They are all Moms and wives, doing their best. But somewhere along the way they gave up on being "good." And felt repressed by the ties of organized religion. Its these people, i think, that need our prayer the MOST!!

And this is the nutty part: When asked what they fear, here was their response "We fear that maybe we are wrong, there really IS a God, and we will have to suffer the wrath for not believing." WHA WHA WHAAAT? They claim that Christianity is the "easier" path to take, because our lives our planned out for us, and we always have support from prayer, the Bible, church, etc... well, I disagree about the easy part lol. Its quite difficult to be a Christian. It's very hard to let go of yourself, your worries and fears and needs and put them into the hands of a being you have never laid eyes on. Not to mention all the while you are completely bombarded by thousands upon thousands of thousands of immoral visual images, auditory views, from TV, billboards, schools, advertising, false churches, "progressive" religions, media, books, literature, Internet..... (breathe!)

I think it would be MUCH easier to be an atheist/agnostic. You reap the benefits of doing as you please. You are not forced to follow a moral guideline. No one makes you get up and go to church. You do not have to learn any hymns, donate your time to someone who needs you, make a casserole for a sick person you have never met. And best of all? You don't have to pray! Woohoo! Nope, you can just do what you want, pretend that being a good person will get you where you need to be in the afterlife, and skate on through. Oh, except for that pesky voice in your head screaming you will burn in hell. But xanax could probably take care of that, right?

I know that sounded harsh, and I didn't mean it to. I am not bashing any ones beliefs, as it is not my place to judge at all. Yes, I think they do have a hard road ahead of them. But its not the life they lead here. On earth, they are now the majority. Their beliefs (or lack there of) are now the "in thing" and they are welcomed with open arms by most. Their hard part is coming soon. That's the judgement. That is why they need our prayer. They need our prayer because there is a part of them that KNOWS deep down there is something working behind the scenes, and they KNOW that to be the very God they rejected. And our God is an awesome God. He will give them that chance to repent. He will see their souls, and know their hearts. And if they are true. they will be saved.

So on this Fourth of July, I will pray for the souls of the confused. I will pray that those who still have an opportunity to be saved will be approached by someone who can show them the way back home. I will pray for the politicians that still have a shred of morality left in them. And I will pray for troops who have been fighting this war so valiantly.

Gos Bless America.

in this world... trying to find my place. I am blessed beyond belief. I do not have things of value, monetary value that is. I have love, family, children, and friends. That is all we need. No, you cannot buy a burrito by cashing in a family member. But when you cannot afford that burrito, there will be someone there to help you.

I love the Lord. I have HIM in my life, and I am blessed by him.

I want to be part of something. I want to help. I have a feeling that I am needed by someone. I may know that person, or I may not. But I will be of some help to them somehow.

I have questions that need answered. And I know there are others that have questions as well.

Lord bless me today with the knowledge and tools I need to do your work. Allow your presence to fill me, so that I can share your love with others. As a friend of mine reminded me today.... "Let my little light shine." ;)

After feeling quite anguished yesterday over this whole 11:11 thing, and praying feverishly for God to give me an answer about it...my prayers were answered today!

As the the last blog post stated, everything 11:11 seems to be connected to numerology, and some Unitarian "Light Spirit" crap that reeks FAR to heavily of Wicca related poop for my taste. Basically, a load of shit that I refuse to believe, as it goes against my beliefs completely. I am not going to say its EVIL. I cannot make that judgement. But I got this answer today, after reading some guys article about his experience with 11's. The article read fairly well, no mention of Angels whispering or spirits talking. It spoke of opening a door, so to speak, when the phenomena occurred and take heed what you are doing at that moment... supposedly whatever you are participating in, or thinking when you see 11 it is the RIGHT thing, and should be pursued further. Seems logical enough to me surely. Then I clicked a link at the bottom of his page that said something about Christianity... NOT OK WITH WHAT I SAW THERE. The article was about shedding all the former beliefs about Christianity..STOP GOING TO CHURCH! Was in bold letters... I barely skimmed a paragraph...then it hit me...

11:11 is bad. Bad for me. Bad for a Christian person who is trying every day to become a better Christian and strengthen her relationship with God. In essence, the devil is trying to distract me. I am at a very critical moment in my personal development. A make or break kind of deal I guess. I NEED to step forward in one direction or the other, and the devil realizes this and is doing what he can to get me back. Why you ask? Because since I have been feeling his anxious, something is coming don't know what to do feeling I have been bombarded with signs and urges I had long since shed. I have not questioned my faith per say, but have been wondering about many things that maybe I should just take as is.

So, you are reading this and thinking, Joee, seriously? God and the Devil fighting over you? OH PULEAZE! But in reality, it happens to most Christians every day. This just happens to be a very profound moment in time, something I have been made aware of because big things are coming. My faith is being tested harder than ever. I have lost a child. We are in financial stress. God is pushing hard, Devil is pulling too, and I am under pressure like I have never been before.

HAHHA!!! guess what? My faith will not be shaken. I will never renounce my Love for the Lord Jesus and our God. I believe in the scripture. I believe in kindness. I believe that war is coming, and is necessary. If it comes to pass that I am forced to renounce my faith, or face death? I take death gladly. I love my children and my husband. I love my family and my friends. I pray for them, and for all people that need faith in this world. I pray for the people that even though they will never except Jesus, that they do not suffer a terrible fate.

Another thing... a reason I guess I believe all this to be what it is. Mentioned again, in a previous post. My peace with Taylin...its not of this earth. I do not feel grief. I am not sad, upset, shaken, scared by the fact that we lost her. I am at peace with that. And a peace that strong and beautiful can only come from one place. ;)

Whats next? Ah I breathe a sigh of relief, keep steady on my path to happiness, and stay away from the things that make me second guess where I should be, or what I should be doing. Are changes coming? Absolutely. Am I gonna be ready for them? Heck yes! I have nothing to fear. If I lose everything I have, I still have the Lord and the promise of Eternal life in a place called Heaven. That being said, I am still human... and no doubt will stumble along the way.

Amen.

So, for a long time now I have been experiencing this strange phenomena... it does not happen every day, but more often than not I will glance at the clock at exactly 11:11. So I am curious naturally... and googled it. Turns out 11:11 is quite the popular thing! There were thousands of pages, blogs, etc...

Now I had to sort through all the numerology mumbo jumbo. I believe in numerology to a certain degree. The Bible is chock full of references and "coincidences" that are difficult to ignore. and blurry is the line between good and evil my friends. Well after reading a few I am more confused now than ever. Christians argue amongst themselves over the significance, quoting scripture after scripture, almost as if they are arguing with the Bible. Sheesh. And then there is the other extreme... the people who follow the stars, which the bible states is a no-no.

UGH. Whats a girl like me to do? I prayed about it, but I really felt foolish doing so. I have no idea what God wants me to think of it. Should it be something? should it not? And it ties into this crazy feeling I have had, that one I blogged about already. I took notice of the deaths in the entertainment industry... I find it all quite odd but cannot quite put my finger on why. People die every day, but I feel like I have been surrounded by it recently.

I am seeking something. I am unsettled. I feel the need to make a step forward, yet I haven't clue as to what direction. I feel closer to God than ever, I feel the call to do something! But I do not know what it is. I am a smart person, but not so great on picking up the subtle hints I guess.

Dear Lord,
You know me better than anyone. You know my path, and what it will take to make me follow it. I pray now Lord Jesus, that you shine a light for me, and help me through to the place I need to be. I am but a creature, dumb in nature. I KNOW I need to do something, I don't know what it is. Please walk with me Lord.
Amen

Today marks one month since we found out Taylin had passed... I am doing 3000 times better than I ever thought I would. I am truly at peace with her leaving us. Yes, its sad, and of course I would much rather be pregnant than not. But I am very ok with her passing, and know she is in the most beautiful place a person can be.

I wonder if I am not grieving properly sometimes. Like maybe I have buried this pain too deep, and am unable to feel anymore? But every time I search my soul, I just feel peace. A peace only a person who knows the Lord could know. My baby was not mine to have. She was Gods child, and God took her back. I am ok with this in every single way possible.

Now, since her passing I have noticed something. Every day I see a white butterfly. The day we buried her, there was one white butterfly hovering around her grave. It was there the entire time me and Andy were. We sat there for a long time, talking to her. When we got up, the butterfly flew away. When I go to her grave, there is always a white butterfly there. When I go outside, at least once a day, I see a white butterfly. I don't care if people think I am nuts...to me this is a sign that she is there, always with us in some way. Its so cliche, i know. But its somethign that brings me neverending joy and comfort.

Also, in the corner of my yard stands a rosebush that we pruned to death, lol. Its only one stem. Andy and I both noticed on the same day that there was one single rose on this one single stem on this quite unhealthy looking bush. a few days later, there was another beautiful blossom. Seeing as how Taylin is buried underneath a rosebush, Andy and I took so much comfort in seeing this tiny little stem produce two healthy flowers. To us, it is symbolic of Taylins life, our realtionship, and the possibilty of us concieving again. In fact, we both thought it meant we were gonna have twins! ;)

One month... one month of many. And little baby, we love you more every day. We will see you in Heaven! Oh, and I really hope that you and George the Bunny are having the time of your life up there!

So I have a TTC journal posted on another site CLICK ME that gives out the most details, but I thought I would give a brief update here as well:



Spotting has been MIA for a full 27 hours, yahoo! And I did get a test, and got a beautiful BFN (whoever thougth I would be typing those words together, lol!) So looks as if my body is doing what it should, and I am now waiting on my first PP AF. YEAAAAHOOOOEY!



Ryan has been giving us a neverending parental challenge... after much discussion with him and DH both, I think we have all found a common ground and will all be making an effort towards change!



Everit will be ONE in 10 days! OMG! Party planning is underway.



Thats it. Dont feel creative today, lol.

Like you were perched on the edge of something so enormous you could not even see the other side? I feel that way right now... like something is going to happen. Good, bad, crazy, I have no clue!! I cannot say if I am going to fly or fall at this point, but I am full of excitement and wonder right now. This is not meant to be any more mysterious as it sounds (as I am not currently harboring any secrets that would shake the earth, lol,) but I just have that feeling.... something is happening. Its coming, and its coming fast. My heart is beating faster right now even as I type this.

So many of my friends and family have been reaching out and going for their dreams... and I myself have embarked on some endevours as well. Maybe its all of it? Maybe there are about 500 wonderful blessings that are gonna pop all at once! I just don't know!!!

Wow, this is spooky and crazy and exciting all at once! Stay tuned, friends! This is gonna be big!

This was part of the message today, and the one that hit me the hardest. Especially hard, if you read this blog I wrote just a few days before: http://iamonlyalittlecrazy.blogspot.com/2009/06/anyone-notice.html

At all times, we need to keep our eye on God. And we don't. I definitely do not. I look back at him most times. Do what I do, walk away from Him because I know it's wrong, and then I force myself to look back and say, please forgive me. This is the wrong way.

Also, today, we became members of our church. I asked what my responsibilities were now that I was a member. The answer was simple and very poignant. SHARE THE GIFT THAT YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN. That gift, being salvation of course. How long have I held onto this, keeping it safe and sound like a little secret between me and God? A long long time. That is also, the wrong way. This gift, this immense blessing of Faith is not for mine to keep and covet. I need to share this. Looking back on Taylins story, which you can find here on my favorite place to be, pregnancy.org: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboards/showthread.php?t=521326

Reading through the responses that were received, I realized how her story reached others in a way I never thought it would. If even ONE person reading that looked away from themselves and towards God at that moment, then I have shared the best gift of all. And the beauty of it is, until today, I was completely unaware that may have happened! How easy was that, to share the Lord with someone? Surely, it can be as simple in real life!

I feel very convicted to do something, anything to get the word out that God is good. I have shed that fear of people looking down at me, or thinking me a fanatic or some crazy cult member. Heck, if this is a cult, then sign me up. I don't care what stigma this carries with it. I love the Lord, I love the blessings that I receive, and I would LOVE to share this with anyone who will listen. I don't know my scripture... I have never even fully read my bible... but in time I will learn the tools needed to spread the word effectively. And like Pastor said today, I need to take that leap of FAITH. I will NEVER get anywhere if I don't leave my circle of comfort.

Blog readers, I want to talk to you. About the Lord. Lets teach each other. Let me share my story, and I would love to hear yours.

Oh my swiffer, how I love thee...
You save my back and aching knee.
The mop is wet and heavy and soiled,
but with you, sweet swiffer, my efforts are not foiled.

Your pads have velcrow, your spray is effective.
You may be pricey, but I am objective.
I gladly exchange a few AA's, to ditch the old skool janitor ways.

I often dream of you in my hand,
Killing bacteria all over the land!
If I were not human, or you not a tool,
I am sure we would make prom court at school.

It is to you, valiant swiffer, that I give all my toils.
Dancing in my arms as you clean my spoils.
I am sure you come from the closet above...
straight from heaven to mop with love.

Much love Swiffer....

That the "Day 1" post was absent from my blog yesterday? That's right... I smoked. And I am sitting here right now watching the minutes tick away from my Grand Theft Auto Clock, practically pulling the carpet out with my toes, wondering when my husband will make it back here with a pack. Oh how weak I am. Lord forgive me for my weakness, and not believing in your strength to get me through this. I am truly a sinner. Please be with me, stay with me, keep working with me. I won't leave your side Lord, as you won't leave mine. But I may step away for a moment to have a puff.

So its the two week mark. Two weeks ago we found out our baby was dead. I read on a website (a damn good one actually, and here's the link for that: http://www.pregnancyloss.info/waitingforaf.htm ) that the two week mark is a peak for many woman who have suffered a loss. The worst of the worst as far as the grieving goes. And they were right. I was crying in my sleep. I woke up crying. All the thoughts I had managed to avoid since that day all flooded me. The what ifs. What would she have looked like, what would her voice sounded like. Would her hair be curly like her daddy's? So painful to even wonder. I know in my heart that we will see her again one day. But that feels like an eternity. It IS an eternity. I was pregnant two weeks ago. And today, if I were still pregnant, I would be feeling those kicks really strong. Maybe Andy would even be able to feel them from the outside by now. I would be bigger in the belly, looking awful cute with that beautiful glow. In a week, I would be going to my ultrasound to find out if she was a boy or a girl. I love being pregnant. I love feeling pregnant. I miss it. And, the spotting continues... each day is one day farther from being able to try again. I want to fill that void. Not to heal the pain, but to feel the joy again. To have something to look forward too.

Today is the first day that I really really really really want to be alone. Even watching Everit is hard. That little man that brings me daily joy with his accomplishments and goofiness, well today it just hurts to watch. Not because I don't love him, but because it makes me think of her, and what she would be doing 15 months from now.

Oh sweet angel... we love you so much. Mommy and Daddy miss you.

Smoking... I have been lit up like a forest fire since we lost Taylin. Before anyone reading this turns their nose up to me and my disgusting habit, let me say this:

I have beat addiction to Cocaine, Meth, Ecstasy, Weed, and any other illegal substance I could get my hands on. Not to mention my 14 year love affair with alcohol, which literally landed me on deaths doormat more than once in my life. I have overcome the party girl image that I tried so hard to create. I am now a wife and a mother. I am now MYSELF. The fact that smoking is the ONLY vice I have left in my arsenal I think lends to a bit of credit. Not to me of course, but to the Lord, who's love and mercy has helped me become a better person.

Now I am not condoning my habit, please do not misunderstand. It is horrible. Deadly, filthy, expensive, and quite redundant in all actuality. But its my cross to bear, and bear it I do. But I think its time I let go. I was able, with the help of Jesus of course, to shed the others quickly and forever. Granted, there was some horrible event that usually led to the end, but it ended just the same. Now it is time for me to put all my trust in Him, and let go.

I need to quit, for 1000 different reasons. I will let the Surgeon Generals' stance on smoking fill in most of the list... no need to beat the dead horse here. But I will list some more personal reasons:

1. My children. they do not need to grow up seeing their parents smoke. Not only does it make it "OK" for them to do (ack, please God no!) but it threatens their environment. (NOTE: we DO NOT smoke in the house, only outside, but still....)

2. My Grandchildren. I want to meet them. I want to play with them. I cannot even bear the thought of being hooked up to an Oxygen tank watching my grand kids play around me. I need to be there, for them and for me.

3. My Future Children. I know that I cannot blame myself for what happened to Taylin. It was something that no one could predict or control. YET, i know that smoking can and will lead to placental issues, which we assume is what caused her death. And the thought that my stupid habit may have had a hand in that, well it kills me. Every day it kills me. It will never ever ever stop killing me. And that alone should be enough to stop.

4. Financial. Prepare for a math lesson here... smokes are at $5 a pack here. At a pack a day, that's $35 a week. $140 a month. $1,680 a year. Double that to $3,360 a year because my husband smokes too. Ha. I feel sorry for us because we barely have grocery money, and depend on our parents to help us through the "hard times." Yeah... I can imagine we would be doing MUCH better if we were not spending that cash. And for once we could make our folks proud.

5. Emotional. If there is anything I have learned as an addict, its that the feeling of dependence on a substance, ANY substance, is the dirtiest feeling you can have. The point to recovering from addiction is to remove that dependence and replace it with true, raw emotion. Scary as hell, by the way. Addiction is controlling your emotions with a false reality. I don't want a false reality anymore. I want to live my life as it should be lived, feel all the emotions as they are meant to be felt (good and bad) and allow that Faith in the Lord to fill my life.

6. Spiritual. Its no mystery, the Bible is quite specific about addictions. Yes, we are all sinners. Yes, we will continue to sin until we die. But our goal as Christians, as Humans, is to make every day worth living and living for the Lord. Smoking is an addiction, a waste, a sin. As a Christian, I need to put my faith in the lord, not in a mind altering substance to get me through. THAT is the biggest Sin of all my friends. The Lord understands imbibing on the occasion... but very much frowns upon replacing our Faith in Him to get us though the hard stuff with a mind altering glutton filled addiction. Simple. Right?

So there are the reasons! And here are my excuses... lol... gotta be fair here!

1. My mood. I am deathly afraid of my mood. I am gonna be a hell cat on wheels. And inevitably, when we choose to let go of something as big as this, the Lord will test. He puts the heat on. Ans my stress level will most certainly go through the roof. All I am going to have is my faith. No blogging, chatting, chewing gum or carrot stick is gonna get me through this. Just Faith. The hardest thing to muster.

2. My weight. Do not snicker... its very true that most people who quit put on some pounds. I am already overweight. I struggle with it every single day. I have been losing so much this last few weeks, I feel so good about myself right now. I am terrified to put more back on (except of course, when I get pregnant again!) Especially being home, without a vehicle, in a house with children all day. Its a struggle for me to get motivated as it is. Without my crutch, well, its gonna be twice as hard.

3. My relationship. This may be the stupidest excuse ever. Andy and I are rock solid. But the naysayer in me says even the tiniest crack can destroy the biggest boulders. Now, my quitting drinking did not have any negative affects on us..and thankfully I was done with the other crap long before we met. But smoking is OURS. Our escape from the kids, our quiet time to chit chat and bond. Silly, but true. Stepping outside for a smoke is a ritual in every right. I am gonna miss that, and so will he. And I surely do not want to start nagging him for continuing. But I know me, and its gonna grate and grate hard.

4. The dreaded SOAPBOX. Cold hard fact... every non-smoker, whether from birth or otherwise, has jumped on that box and roasted every other person who lights up. Now, I am a light hearted soul for the most part. And I do consider myself very compassionate and understanding. Ha. The vanity will get me in the end though. I love to boast that I am not better than others... but that thought is there. Lurking.Waiting. Daily battle to suppress it. That's the reality.

So there you have it. I have a pack, and of course I am gonna smoke the shit out of it! But that's it. I am done. Tomorrow will be day 1 post... prepare for at least 28 days worth of crazy ranting, emotional breakdowns, and general stupidity!

Wow its been over a week already since the "day". Seems like forever really. Time has slowed down to a sad sad crawl. I want AF to get here, hurry up and get here again, so I can TTC the next baby! Hell, I just want to have sex. 6 weeks? Are you kidding me? Who on earth can go 6 weeks without some lovin'? Not I, says me! I am horny as hell. So is Andy. Ack.

Everit is teething like a madman. Its the eyeteeth about to break through. Poor little dude. He had a rough weekend with a teething fever and general ickiness. And of course his napping schedule is entirely out of wack now. Love him to death but when he goes off schedule during the day all hell breaks loose. I hope they pop out soon...like now. Now would be great!

Ryan has been so much better the last few days. Like I have my Son back, almost. Lord, please let this go one for a while. I need a break from the neverending defiance. I know, that somehow kids sense you are at your weakest moment, and Then they ATTACK! I haven't the strength to fight with him right now. I pray he continues on a better path.

Wow, im boring.

I need a hobby.

Oh, I have to say this though. Wow, have I lost weight! I don't own a scale, so I go by how I look and feel. I may be WAY off... but I feel at least 10-12 lbs lighter than I was pre-preg. My fat pants are loose! Not quite into my thin ones yet, but wow what a difference. I think I must have been retaining some serious water! I have been going like a mad woman too though. Just running around everywhere it seems, trying to stay busy and keep my mind elsewhere. Anyhoo, it feels nice. Hope to lose 10 more or so before I get PG again. That would be great! Maybe I won't look like a house by 8 weeks this time!

Ah the tooth monster screams... off I go. Good thing, I was boring myself to death... Can't even imagine how you, the reader feels. I bet you wish you had that time back, don't you? Well, I offer no refunds for lame blog posts. Sorry.

That really lifted my spirits. First was my Doctor YES! My actual doctor! Not his nurse or his front desk person. He was so kind... just asking how we were holding up, and apologized for everything we had to got through. i was amazed to say the least! And the good news is, he sees no reason why we couldn't try again after two cycles. I am not saying that I will be ready for that emotionally, but its great to know that my doctor has confidence that this was an isolated incident and that I am not broken. At least not physically.

The second call was my Dad. We talked for a long time. He is sending us some money, which we so desperately need right now!!! Its been so hard getting through this slow down time. We really depend on those commission checks to keep us above water, and when they are only $100 or less, well, we sink. Thank you to my Father and the Lord, for him opening his wallet and helping us out. I cannot wait until I am able to do the same for others. Believe me, when I have the money to give, I am GONNA GIVE!

And, some TMI, but its my blog so I can say what I want! I have not pooped since Friday. I am not happy about this AT ALL. Dulcolax and colon cleanser have not done anything at all... BUT this morning I did go a little, which I am so happy about. The last thing I need right now is constipation and hemmies flaring up! I am almost out of pain meds!

Yesterday was so freaking hard. I went on PG.ORG, and I just started balling the minute I opened the page. I had to close it. I will be back ladies, but right now it just wrenches my heart.

I also put away all of my maternity clothes. That started a 1.5 hour crying jag. That was almost as hard as burying her... I guess its the symbolism of it. That, and the fact that maternity wear is the ONLY clothing I have purchased for myself in the last 6 years, so my wardrobe is SAD SAD SAD. Shabby and out of date as can be. No wonder I never leave my house.

BUT the garage sale is getting bigger by the minute! I finally sat down and FORCED myself to get rid of more of Everits clothes, lol. I am such a nostalgic dweeb. I want to hang onto every little thing because I remember how cute he looked in it. Well, I did good. I kept quite a few still, things I could use for another baby (unisex stuff) and of course my absolute favorites. I pray this sale is a success and brings us the money we need!!!

I put all my maternity clothes away... overnight I lost my beautiful big belly. I miss it. I miss the little kicks. I miss feeling sick. I miss my big boobs. I miss my baby. She should be in my womb, growing and thriving and getting chubby. She should be with me.

So i am trying everything I can to stay occupied. I decided to have a garage sale and get rid of some clothes and books I just dont have room for. And toys...we have so many toys that the boys will never play with. Its not working. I just want to lay down and sleep.

I wish someone would take the kids and I could have a day or two to myself to cry. I want to cry without someone screaming at me that their toy is broken or their bottle is empty. I want to go away and come back when I am pregnant again.

Thursday I have and appointment to follow up. Maybe I will get the ok to TTC again. I doubt it. two or three cycles they will tell me. Oh man, what if I never get pregnant again? What if this is it for me? What if I lose another one? I hate this... make no mistake. I HATE THIS.

Today you have the honor of displaying my To Do List. I realize that as a blog, you have much higher literary expectations. You may even feel as if you are being demoted to a simple pencil and paper tool. I cannot blame you for feeling let down, blog. Your technology far surpasses that of simplicity. You are a vessel, sailing on the river Internet waving at the passers by on the shores. To fly the flag of every day tasks can seem demeaning. Please blog, feel no shame as you translate this binary code. Do not think of it as a simple task list. Think of it as your opportunity to represent the voice of Domestic Engineer's everywhere. Nay, do not shed tears of disappointment! Your unique voice shall carry an important message worldwide! Let the pride of American representation surge through you!

Sincerely,
Your Author.


TO DO:

Family is nigh! And I must cleanse the home! Its actually in great shape, but I want to be sure all is good...

1. Clean out and organize pantry.
2. Fold and refold blankets and sheets.
3. Wash Rugs.
4. Swiffer floors (bathroom, kitchen, and the hearth.)
5. Dishes.
6. Sweep/hose down deck
7. Sweep/hose down front walk path and driveway.
8. Clean the boys room (ACK!)
9. Cut fresh roses.
10. Dust.
11. Bedroom dresser.
12. Do a few loads of laundry.

I did some extras too! I showered *gasp* and I watered the lawn and new bushes! Go me! Oh, and I changed the sheets on our bed... and in the babies crib too. Now I am pacing....

(Copied from my post on Pregnancy.ORG)
I decided to sign up for every baby related product I can possibly think of. I want to see how many coupons, samples, and freebies one can actually get from signing up on these websites! Join me on my journey!

DISCLAIMER! I am in no way affiliated with or promoting any websites for personal gain or otherwise! These are just helpful links to help all moms save some money and get cool free stuff!!!

What I did:

*I only signed up on the actual company website for the product. NEVER EVER click on the "sponsored links". Those are all phishing websites that put adware on your computer.

*I unclicked the "recieve offers from other companies" box whenever available. It just leads to more spam in your inbox.

*I never ever fill in the phone number box... its hardly ever a required thing, and I dont need sales people calling at dinner time! Only exception was if I signed up for a reputable sweepstakes.

*I signed up for every "Newsletter". It may fill up the inbox, but you never know what they might send!

*If available, I also signed up for the cataloges. Something fun to look through at least, and now they have my addy to send me free stuff!

*Safety First! If anything looked suspicious or a little OFF, I did not sign up... I want to get a good idea of whats available, but I am not crashing my computer to do it!

*Check out your local grocers websites too! Some of them have baby reward programs.

*Some sites don't offer a "promotion" type section, but its still available! You usually just need to create an account by clicking the "Login" button. But don't do it if they ask for Credit Card info! (unless you are buying something).

*Many of these sites have printable coupons (pretty good ones too!) so dont wait around for them to mail you something! Print that off! The Sites I checked out:
Huggies
Pampers
Playtex
Evenflo
Gerber
Johnson&Johnson
Medela
Lansinoh
Enfamil
Similac
Graco
California Baby
Playskool
Beechnut
Avent
Aveeno Baby
Tide
Luvs and THIS
MunchkinThe Bump (a rewards card)
Carters
Motherhood Maternity
Fisher Price

If anyone has any more companies they can think of let me know! I will check em out and add the link here!

Hope this yields some good results!

I will update my blog as I recieve any freebies, coupons, or what have you's! Hooray for a project!

Please come clean my bedroom! I have so many things I need to do in there before my family comes... ugh.
MIL is coming today to help wrangle the baby while I get down and dirty, thank God. That will be so helpful. But where am I gonna put all this stuff? I have clothes i need to save, clothes I need to chuck, clothes i need to put away and ones I need to hang... what a nightmare! So I will quit blogging and get busy.... right?

So I am starting to get really excited about the pregnancy now. NOT that I wasn't thrilled before, lol. But it is really becoming real now and I am starting to daydream about holding another little tiny! Plus the little flutters and bumps are making it feel so much more real too...

I am getting a little nervous about my appointment too. A month ago I had this weird lump show up behind my ear (kinda right at my hairline). The first night it was there, my neck was sore and it was painful. The next morning there was no pain at all, but it seems to be growing every day. Its not huge by any means, but still there. And, since its appearance, I have been having frequent headaches that start at my neck, kinda like the base of my skull, and climb up the left side of my head, which is the same side the lump is on. I pray it is nothing, just a cyst or something stupid like that. Lord, please let it be something insignificant. When I was 4 I had a tumor removed from my neck. It was benign, however it did cause me to lose my short term memory. Scary to think it could happen again. 4 years of memories isn't too bad, but 31? oh the very thought makes me sick.

And of course, I worry about the baby the most. If this is something serious, how will it affect the pregnancy? What if I need to have chemo, or surgery? What if I have to choose my life or the baby's'? These are choices no Mom should ever have to make! So I need to quit thinking the worst and just hope for the best. Easier said then though....

I do not think I have ever been prouder in my whole life. My Son is at the top of his Kindegarten class, reading at a third grade level, and will most likely be picked up for gifted classes next year! OMG! He is soooo smart! I am overflowing with so much love and amazment for this little boy!
Mind you, when he entered K he could not read or write. He would scribble his name barely, but thats it. He soared past his peers to come out on top. He even survived a short period of crazy beahvior and general troublemaking. Still he comes out on top!
Wow, my boy is gonna do just fine! Praise the Lord!

Today my beautiful baby boy turns 6 years old! I cannot believe that 6 years ago today I was holding my firstborn in my hands. What a beautiful day that was. And 6 years later I love him more than I ever thought a person could love!

Happy Happy Birthday my Angel! And I pray that you will have 100 more long, beautiful, and healthy years ahead of you!

Ack, so I have this funky itchy rash on my arms, and sometimes on my feet (it kinda comes and goes. ) Among with it, I have very achy joints. Especially my hands and wrists. Its not horribly painful, just incomfortable enough to make me nervous though.

And the interwebz...they lend no solace. I think it may be Fifths disease! Which has a 50/50 chance of hurting the baby!!!!! I am so nervous right now... please call back doctor!

Ugh! She is a miserable cuss on the leash. Miserable. I cannot stand to walk her. Andy is no help. He never even makes an attempt to walk her. So I am gonna be 8 months pregnant in the dead of winter walking some ungrateful mutt that just wants to go hump all the male dogs. Hell, it could be the female dogs too... I dunno. Getting her fixed better help, cuz if not, I am at a loss.

Its friday, I am grumpy, and I know Andy wont be home for a long time... he hasnt even answered back any of my texts today. Lovely. Fuck this day.

Yesh! It was phenomenal! Who knew that a quite bathroom and no slippery babies or needy Kindergartners could bring so much joy to one person? I even got to *gasp* shave my legs! HA! That's a rare occurrence, let me tell you! Hell, I won't lie. The fact that i showered at all is amazing, lol. It seems to be the one luxury you must give up as a parent. Stay at home parent, specifically. All the "downtime" when kids are at school and napping is slated for the important things like:
Dishes
Vacuuming
Mopping
Dusting
Eating
Breathing
Peeing
Organizing
Blogging
By the time you blink again, it is 5 and the hubbys on his way home and you realize you forgot to lay out the meat! (I mean for dinner, you dirty birdies!)

So I have no plans today except to do the things I deemed unnecessary yesterday... which would be the afore mentioned tasks. Maybe I will even get out in the yard for a bit! I need to do so much out there, mostly the rose bushes who have now claimed their own zipcode. Rascally bushes... I hate those things! One or two is fine, but a whole fence line is OUT of control. I cannot wait to own my own home! Do the things I wanna do! Pull out the bushes I think suck!

Off to find my deodorant... and some undies! Cuz Im bloggin NEKED!

Its quite lovely outside, and for once my attitude is not POO! Huzzah! So we went for a leisurely stroll..well, as leasurely as 2 kids and one dog can get. Alaska the wonder mutt really gave Ryan a workout! I am still pondering who took who for a walk. And of course, in the end, it was ME holding the leash and pushing the stroller, lol. I love my boys!

I was planning on cleaning today, but I thought, why? I cleaned yesterday! HA! And I am pregnant, and I DONT HAVE TO! My bedroom is a blah mess... clothes stacked up (not dirty ones!) and need to be organized. I need to weed out the clothes Everit grew out of, blend in some clothes he will be fitting in soon. And I also need to air out and fluff the rest of my maternity garb seeing as how I am now in full time preggo gear.

We are now approaching the witching hour... 2:30. This is the time that I get to nap! So I am off to put the Mighty Bing to sleep!

There *SHE* is! The newest Benson! Measuring in at 9 weeks 6 days... just a few days off of the docs due date (which I knew was off anyway!) so right on target! *SHE* had a heartrate of 174 BPM... the boys always came in around the 160's... so I know that *SHE* must be a *SHE*! At least, thats what we are hoping for!

SO, we were a little disappointed. At least I was. Andy would never say. I know twins would be way too much to handle, especially with Everit being so young still. But I guess I got my hopes hope, and when that happens, they have to come down somehow. What I am thankful for is a happy healthy little twitching bean!

My pregnancy this far has been SO different from the boys. I am SO MUCH moodier. Bad moody. I WILL KILL YOUR SORRY ASS IF YOU EVEN ATTEMPT TO LOOK AT ME FUNNY MOODY. It is a daily struggle to keep sane. And the cravings are opposite. All I want is candy and cakes and cookies and ice cream. I don't even like that food! Honestly! And broccoli, which has always been my favorite veggie now tastes like dirty socks. I had asparagus (another favorite) the other day that tasted like poo... its just so strange to be eating on the other side of the fence.

Another thing is the strange appetite fluctuations. I was SO hungry in the beginning... this last week I have been eating like a bird really. I TRY to eat, but I just can't handle more than a few bites at a time. This is not normal for me, lol.. pregnancy or otherwise. Nothing really sounds good, except for the junk food of course. *sigh* 30 weeks to go....

Yesh, a whole post dedicated the the people who MOST married couples fear the most! But this is why I am a lucky girl....



I am so blessed to have my Husband. He is beyond wonderful in so many ways! And part of this amazing package is his parents, who have taken care of me and my children as if we were their own!



4 years ago, when Andy and I started dating I was a single mom. Ryan was just barely 2. I can only imagine what his parents were thinking when their ONLY Son brings home a woman, 7 years his elder, AND his boss at the time, with her 2 year old in tow. I mean, it's not exactly the picture perfect scenario you would want for your 20 year old. But we hit it off... Andy's dad is seriously my own fathers twin. They act the same in every way. It was so easy to get along with him, lol. We started bantering the first day we met, and are still at it to this day! Its awesome.

His Mom was a little scarier at first, only because I am a Mom and know what standards I hold for my Sons. I decided to be myself, and only myself. If she liked me, great. If not, oh well, i did my best and did not make any false representation. She is an amazing woman. We get along like best friends.



From day 1, they treated me as if I were their daughter. When my broke ass van took a shit, they were there to help me get it fixed. When it proved unfixable, they sold me their car for a VERY fair price and gave me an extended loan. They bought me Christmas gifts the first year we were together. Invited me to dinners, breakfasts, even bought me dishes for my home. Mind you, Andy and I were simply dating at this point. when we broke up for a short period, Andy;s father called me crying. He was devastated that we had broken up. when I told him why, he said he completely understood and was actually upset with Andy for "losing the best thing he ever had."



But most of all... most importantly... is how they treated Ryan. My biggest fear as a single Mom was finding a good man, but having everyone treat Ryan as a stepkid. The very thought makes me cry to this day. I was a package... you take me, you take my Son. I had very strict rules about this, and swore to myself and my baby that NO ONE would ever treat him sub-par. Andys parents took Ryan in as if he were their own grandbaby. Honestly, without JR and Cathy, I don't know how we would have made it. It took Ryan a long time before he called them Grandma and Grandpa.... but he is there now. And, when Everit was born, I was actually afraid that Ryan would lose his "place" in their hearts. NOT even close... they just continue to love him the way they always have.

JR and Cathy, you are amazing people. Every day you do so much for us. Even the tiniest things, like a card for our anniversary. You are thoughtful, kind, and downright amazing. I know that there is probably no chance I could ever pay you back for all the things you have done for me. But I hope you know that I feel as much love for you as I do my own parents. Thank you.

Flibbidy flooo! Flibbidy Flaaaa! Washing machine can eat my cha cha!

Now that it is out of my system, where to begin?

It broked. Broked all the way. No spinny, no drainy. I had to wring out my clothes like some old pioneer woman. Thank goodness it was the white load and not the jeans! I had Daddy-in-law come over and look at it. Hes not the Maytag man by ANY stretch of the imagination, but he does understand basic things like air and water. So what the hay... he took a look. Its not the wiring, but the entire pump that took a shit. How much do you ask??? Like, $100! For some rag-tag machine thats not even mine. And so the plot thickens...

Obviously, the machine belongs to the fuckstick landlord. Who still, to this day, has not gotten a job (but thats another post entirely, isn't it?) So, I have not called him. We are going to buy a new washer this weekend, and put his in the shed. EHEHHEEHEHEHEHEHEEEEEEEEEE>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


So, what do I tell him, seriously? If he were a REAL landlord, which he is not, he would be responsible for the repairs. But he seems to think everything in this house is our financial responsibility. Hate hate hate the position he puts us in. I have to tell him, i mean, its HIS washer..but I am NOT paying to have it repaired. So, i guess I will tread lightly as possible. Actually, maybe its Andy's turn to call him for once. YEAH.. that's it! MAKE ANDY CALL...

Hmmphhh... well at least I know this... it is NOT laundry day today! :)

I don't follow through very well do I? Forgive me...

So, I am pregnant. 9 weeks 3 days according to the Docs EDD... and I am HUGE. HUGE. I look 5 months already. All the people on my birth board and facebook are all standing by with massive curiousity about how many I am having. Truth is, I think I am just fat.

I would love multiples. LOVE IT! What a blessing that would be! But I do feel that it is just one. And the stupid part? I feel like I am letting all those people down, lol... like if it is just one they will all be dissapointed. I think I will be too. I am so happy to be pregnant again! But I guess I am feeling a little selfish. DH says he is just happy there is at least one, and prays for it to be healthy and strong like our boys are. Hes so zen about these things. Wish I could be. I am so damn worried about everyone else I haven't even allowed myself to feel happy or blessed. Sad really.

but I can't upload it! Yeah, you copywrightin' bastards... made a beautiful tribute to my Son.... with video and pictures and all the good stuff. But will it upload? NOOOOOOOOO.... just because SOMEONE apprently does not get ENOUGH money from the 70000000000 billion dollars from the record sales and concerts....

Well, LADY OF COUNTRY MUSIC... you can kiss my big white ass... and I WILL distribute this Movie to all of my family and not give one blinking thought to you and your copyright....

*sigh*

Have YOU seen it? Because I have misplaced it somewhere... I looked under the bed and only found dust bunnies (apparently they have had a few kids since I looked last). I looked behind the dresser, and only found a pair of underwear that my waistline (or lack thereof) no longer supports. I looked in the fridge, and something in there was singing a showtune, so I quietly closed the door and backed away. The bathtub looked clean, and unless you count the shampoo bottle rings as modern art, It was not there either.

So... where does inspiration come from? I have been traveling the web, clicking on anything and everything that involves scrapping and nothing has appealed to me AT ALL! I want to reach deep down and find that inner craft mogul... but I am afraid she has gone to Mexico with Toot (thats an inside joke, so don't hurt yourself trying to figure that out).

Stay tuned to see if I locate and capture this missing link...

WOOT on earth could make me sit in front of my computer for hours on end? How in the WOOT did I end up buying a BAG OF CRAP and being happy about it? I just don't know WOOT possessed me to purchase pisatchios from a place that has refurbished WOOT... and what the in the HOLY WOOT am I gonna do WOOT a Bowling Game?

WOOT I will tell you is, I had the time of my life! And I cannot WOOT for the next WOOT OFF. I never WOOT have thought online shopping could be such an invigorating experience.... a big WOOT to my friends who WOOTED around with me (oh, and don't forget got me COMPLETELY ADDICTED). WOOT an experience it was.

Until the next WOOT, I will be silently cherishing every WOOT-liscious moment. WOOT dreams, BAG OF CRAP wishes....

I am going to do my own personal blog series. This is inspired by a recent friendship with a person who I feel is going through so many of the same turmoils that I have been through. I admit this person drivers me bonkers with her never ending drama and negativity. And it bothers me some, that I see so much of myself in her. I feel the need to go back and explore my life, and try to attain some understanding of how I have become who I am today. I feel good about myself right now. I am right where I want to be. Almost as if it is TOO good some days. I realize how ridiculous this may seem to some. Why would I even question? But its not about questioning at all. It is about understanding. I want to be an understanding parent to my boys when they begin the journey through adulthood. I want to be able to listen to all the things my parents have been trying to tell me for my entire existence. I want to be a good strong wife to my husband. I want to be a solid rock for my friendships.

There is a FINE line between sanity and delusion. I suppose, that is really the answer I seek... have I FINALLY crossed over to reality? Is everything what it really seems? Is this happiness I feel? Where do I need to make improvements?

Theraputic writing this will be...

.... to be a Digital Scrapper! Or at least I think so, lol! And I will blame my friend Penny for this. She mentioned it to me, and now I am addicted, and she hasn't even TRIED yet! Shame on you!
So, I actually really enjoy this. WAAAY back in the day, I used to take my moms art and mess around with it in paint shop. Back then there was no such thing as digital scrapbooks. At least, they were not quite as popular. But I always enjoyed doing it, just didn't have a frappin clue what to do with it! I would print it out and Mom would use it on those (old fashioned) paper kinda scrapbooks! HEHEHHE!!!

The ad at the bottom is where I post my books... LET ME TELL YOU THIS! These ladies are NOT messing around... there are some breathtaking books in there, and I do not ever intend to get as good as them...they are just out of this world...

Anyway, Its my new hobby. And I like it.

Well now that my mood has lightened I think my Blog will as well! A little story from this morning that might pull at your heartstrings a bit:

Ryan is a very sensitive little dude... and his heart is so big sometimes it just overflows. This morning the boys were on the living room floor playing. I walked back into the room to find Ryan all sullen. I asked him what was wrong. He let go of a flood of tears that would make the Hoover Dam look like a duck pond! Through his heaving sobs, he said that Everit would not hold his hand, and that he was afraid it would mean the end of their friendship! (insert Mommy crying now). I picked him and and held him and tried everything I could to explain that Everit does, and always will love him and think of him as his Best Friend. That he was a baby, and he just did not understand the importance of holding hands. Ryan heaved, just not understanding why his brother, his BEST FRIEND, wouldn't comply with his request. I sat down on the floor with both of them in my lap (its amazing to me, by the way, how you always have room for all your children). By this time, Everit was getting upset. If big brother crys, he crys too. So he had his bottom lip stuck out like a bottom drawer that was left open. And, as if Everit understood what it was he had to do, he reached out and grabbed Ryans hand. Ryans eyes lit up like Christmas morning. And Everit just grinned like a fool. Sweetest damn thing I ever saw.

Faith is personal. Very personal. I don't give a hoot where anyone's faith stems from (with the exception of Satan, of course). I DO care that people have it. God is my choice. Jesus Christ is my choice. Christianity is my choice. I believe in it. I believe in the powers of prayer and positive thinking. I believe that humanity is not entirely absent of faith.

Why have I been blessed in this life? I ask that question out loud because I really need to explore this. I have not always been a good person. I have sinned. I have been addicted. I have spewed hateful words and hurtful thoughts at nearly every person who tried to help me in those deep dark times of my life. I abandoned God and my faith. I believe there was even a time or two I completely renounced it. So why is it that I stand here today a whole person with Faith an happiness and blessings? I DON'T EVEN GO TO CHURCH! I mean, isn't happiness and contentment saved for those who give their Sundays to God? Pay their tithe regularly? Get on their knees and pray like its going out of style? I am not this person. Yet, I have been blessed time and time again.

Thank you Lord, for these blessings. I am not a perfect Christian. I am not even worthy of praise. Yet you continue to show me that things are gonna be OK. I do not understand all the things you do, or why a person such as myself has been chosen to be blessed. But I know I am. And I am thankful. Amen.

I feel the need to apologize, if not you the reader but to myself. I can't help but feel just oh-so-slightly guilty over choosing the following subject for my first post. I feel a little sad that it is not the happiest moments that have inspired me to blog. Not that I don't intend to blog about everything sparkly-unicorn-pink-rainbows and glitter wonderful. I do. However, I have to get this off my chest. It is too heavy for me to bear.

Maybe its my age... maybe its the sign of the times. I can't remember ever reading the business section of a newspaper before. Nor can I recall having ever more than skimmed a political column. Yet I found myself engrossed this weekend. I blame Michael Moore. The man who produced the Health Crisis movie, SICKO. I watched it. Accidentally we found it surfing channels. I was appalled. I cried. My husband cried. And for the first time in my life, I felt ashamed to be an American. Yes, I said it. Shame. Logically, I know that it is only one mans point of view. Logically, I know that productions such as that are created to pull the viewer away from the whole picture. Logically, I know, that he used only the saddest of tales and woe to represent his ideals. But in my heart, I know its all true.

I have always put up a mental block when it came to politics. I have always known (thanks to my VERY astute 12th grade Government teacher) that the ONLY thing that drives politics is money. I have never voted for that exact reason. No politician truly believes in change. No politician truly believes in "his people". They DO believe in that lobbyists they carry around in their very large pockets. They DO believe in furthering themselves financially. They do believe in getting their proposed bills through the senate for their own personal gain. THEREFORE I DO NOT believe in them.

But I was a coward. I never spoke out about my views. I hid underneath the umbrella with the rest of the masses, shaking, wondering if this giant governmental machine was going to magically transform into something different. Praying for my family, praying for others. But never once speaking about what I believed. This ends today.

I believe in the fundamentals of Democracy. I really, truly do. And they have gone terribly wrong here in America. Terribly, terribly wrong. GREED runs this country. FEAR runs this country. In the Bible, Revelations specifically, it is prophesied that Babylon will fall again. I have often pondered where was this modern day Babylon? Dafur? Iraq? The Vatican? No, I know where it is... and I live here. Right smack dab in the middle of it all.

I am not scared... I believe the Lord will take his people home. Whether we live through the tribulation, or whether he snatches us up first makes no difference to me. I know where I am going, and I know how it will end. I also know that I no longer have to keep quiet about my ideals and beliefs. The ONE thing that they cannot take from me IS my freedom of speech. Cliche, I know. But truth just the same. I won't lie. It saddens me to have finally understood that my voice will never be heard. That positive change will never be made. That my Children may very well be forced to see the end days before they even got the opportunity to see the beauty of this world. I addition to keeping them healthy, strong, happy and loved, my job will be to show them that there is always good among bad. Always happiness among the sad. And that can be found in Faith.