Im only a little crazy...

Smoking... I have been lit up like a forest fire since we lost Taylin. Before anyone reading this turns their nose up to me and my disgusting habit, let me say this:

I have beat addiction to Cocaine, Meth, Ecstasy, Weed, and any other illegal substance I could get my hands on. Not to mention my 14 year love affair with alcohol, which literally landed me on deaths doormat more than once in my life. I have overcome the party girl image that I tried so hard to create. I am now a wife and a mother. I am now MYSELF. The fact that smoking is the ONLY vice I have left in my arsenal I think lends to a bit of credit. Not to me of course, but to the Lord, who's love and mercy has helped me become a better person.

Now I am not condoning my habit, please do not misunderstand. It is horrible. Deadly, filthy, expensive, and quite redundant in all actuality. But its my cross to bear, and bear it I do. But I think its time I let go. I was able, with the help of Jesus of course, to shed the others quickly and forever. Granted, there was some horrible event that usually led to the end, but it ended just the same. Now it is time for me to put all my trust in Him, and let go.

I need to quit, for 1000 different reasons. I will let the Surgeon Generals' stance on smoking fill in most of the list... no need to beat the dead horse here. But I will list some more personal reasons:

1. My children. they do not need to grow up seeing their parents smoke. Not only does it make it "OK" for them to do (ack, please God no!) but it threatens their environment. (NOTE: we DO NOT smoke in the house, only outside, but still....)

2. My Grandchildren. I want to meet them. I want to play with them. I cannot even bear the thought of being hooked up to an Oxygen tank watching my grand kids play around me. I need to be there, for them and for me.

3. My Future Children. I know that I cannot blame myself for what happened to Taylin. It was something that no one could predict or control. YET, i know that smoking can and will lead to placental issues, which we assume is what caused her death. And the thought that my stupid habit may have had a hand in that, well it kills me. Every day it kills me. It will never ever ever stop killing me. And that alone should be enough to stop.

4. Financial. Prepare for a math lesson here... smokes are at $5 a pack here. At a pack a day, that's $35 a week. $140 a month. $1,680 a year. Double that to $3,360 a year because my husband smokes too. Ha. I feel sorry for us because we barely have grocery money, and depend on our parents to help us through the "hard times." Yeah... I can imagine we would be doing MUCH better if we were not spending that cash. And for once we could make our folks proud.

5. Emotional. If there is anything I have learned as an addict, its that the feeling of dependence on a substance, ANY substance, is the dirtiest feeling you can have. The point to recovering from addiction is to remove that dependence and replace it with true, raw emotion. Scary as hell, by the way. Addiction is controlling your emotions with a false reality. I don't want a false reality anymore. I want to live my life as it should be lived, feel all the emotions as they are meant to be felt (good and bad) and allow that Faith in the Lord to fill my life.

6. Spiritual. Its no mystery, the Bible is quite specific about addictions. Yes, we are all sinners. Yes, we will continue to sin until we die. But our goal as Christians, as Humans, is to make every day worth living and living for the Lord. Smoking is an addiction, a waste, a sin. As a Christian, I need to put my faith in the lord, not in a mind altering substance to get me through. THAT is the biggest Sin of all my friends. The Lord understands imbibing on the occasion... but very much frowns upon replacing our Faith in Him to get us though the hard stuff with a mind altering glutton filled addiction. Simple. Right?

So there are the reasons! And here are my excuses... lol... gotta be fair here!

1. My mood. I am deathly afraid of my mood. I am gonna be a hell cat on wheels. And inevitably, when we choose to let go of something as big as this, the Lord will test. He puts the heat on. Ans my stress level will most certainly go through the roof. All I am going to have is my faith. No blogging, chatting, chewing gum or carrot stick is gonna get me through this. Just Faith. The hardest thing to muster.

2. My weight. Do not snicker... its very true that most people who quit put on some pounds. I am already overweight. I struggle with it every single day. I have been losing so much this last few weeks, I feel so good about myself right now. I am terrified to put more back on (except of course, when I get pregnant again!) Especially being home, without a vehicle, in a house with children all day. Its a struggle for me to get motivated as it is. Without my crutch, well, its gonna be twice as hard.

3. My relationship. This may be the stupidest excuse ever. Andy and I are rock solid. But the naysayer in me says even the tiniest crack can destroy the biggest boulders. Now, my quitting drinking did not have any negative affects on us..and thankfully I was done with the other crap long before we met. But smoking is OURS. Our escape from the kids, our quiet time to chit chat and bond. Silly, but true. Stepping outside for a smoke is a ritual in every right. I am gonna miss that, and so will he. And I surely do not want to start nagging him for continuing. But I know me, and its gonna grate and grate hard.

4. The dreaded SOAPBOX. Cold hard fact... every non-smoker, whether from birth or otherwise, has jumped on that box and roasted every other person who lights up. Now, I am a light hearted soul for the most part. And I do consider myself very compassionate and understanding. Ha. The vanity will get me in the end though. I love to boast that I am not better than others... but that thought is there. Lurking.Waiting. Daily battle to suppress it. That's the reality.

So there you have it. I have a pack, and of course I am gonna smoke the shit out of it! But that's it. I am done. Tomorrow will be day 1 post... prepare for at least 28 days worth of crazy ranting, emotional breakdowns, and general stupidity!