Friday, June 12, 2009

Anyone notice????

That the "Day 1" post was absent from my blog yesterday? That's right... I smoked. And I am sitting here right now watching the minutes tick away from my Grand Theft Auto Clock, practically pulling the carpet out with my toes, wondering when my husband will make it back here with a pack. Oh how weak I am. Lord forgive me for my weakness, and not believing in your strength to get me through this. I am truly a sinner. Please be with me, stay with me, keep working with me. I won't leave your side Lord, as you won't leave mine. But I may step away for a moment to have a puff.

So its the two week mark. Two weeks ago we found out our baby was dead. I read on a website (a damn good one actually, and here's the link for that: ) that the two week mark is a peak for many woman who have suffered a loss. The worst of the worst as far as the grieving goes. And they were right. I was crying in my sleep. I woke up crying. All the thoughts I had managed to avoid since that day all flooded me. The what ifs. What would she have looked like, what would her voice sounded like. Would her hair be curly like her daddy's? So painful to even wonder. I know in my heart that we will see her again one day. But that feels like an eternity. It IS an eternity. I was pregnant two weeks ago. And today, if I were still pregnant, I would be feeling those kicks really strong. Maybe Andy would even be able to feel them from the outside by now. I would be bigger in the belly, looking awful cute with that beautiful glow. In a week, I would be going to my ultrasound to find out if she was a boy or a girl. I love being pregnant. I love feeling pregnant. I miss it. And, the spotting continues... each day is one day farther from being able to try again. I want to fill that void. Not to heal the pain, but to feel the joy again. To have something to look forward too.

Today is the first day that I really really really really want to be alone. Even watching Everit is hard. That little man that brings me daily joy with his accomplishments and goofiness, well today it just hurts to watch. Not because I don't love him, but because it makes me think of her, and what she would be doing 15 months from now.

Oh sweet angel... we love you so much. Mommy and Daddy miss you.


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