Monday, August 31, 2009

CD who gives a fuck...

This is copied from a post on the ORG... yes, its mine.

I hate that I feel so empty inside right now. You would think, really, that with two beautiful children I would feel more grateful. But I don't, not right now at least. I hurt, more than anyone could ever know I hurt. I feel robbed. Robbed of my baby, robbed of my home, robbed of my happiness.

Yesh, I know, good things will come. I KNOW its just a bump in the road. I KNOW THIS. I HATE IT just the same. I feel like I am outside of myself, looking down at my life. All the while shaking my head, wondering what I did to deserve all of this pain and heartache. If I sound ungrateful, its because right now I really feel like I am. If I sound like a selfish, self serving brat thats because I feel like that right now. I am sick of being thankful, because it gets me nowhere. I am sick of being optimistic, because it does not change the outcome. I am sick of wondering what could have been, because it wasn't and I can never go back.

All day yesterday I was so cold, so empty. I did not want to be around another living soul. And DH kept coming to me, trying to comfort. All I wanted to do was hit him and tell him to go away. I felt no comfort, I only felt emberassed because I was so depressed. Like, I am not allowed to feel that way. They depend on me to be the outgoing personality, the one who says its gonna be ok. Well, from my side of the porch, things are NOT ok, I am not happy, and I do not want to act like I am anymore.

I pray every day. For something. Anything. And as much as I love the Lord, I get so upset with him sometimes. Because HE CAN SEE me crying, hurting. And he just waits. Piles on the stress, piles on the bad outcomes, and waits. What gets me the most is I WILL look back one day and I will know there was a reason for this. But right now I cannot see the forest for the trees. Dear God I need a break. I need a break.

1 Comment:

  1. Sarah said...
    Oh Joee, I know our situations are/were not the same but I can sympathize. I wonder every minute why me, why us, why my Dakota. When will we get a break?

    Loves and hugs sweetie!

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