Monday, February 7, 2011

My Day of Reckoning...

This is gonna come as a shock to those of you who just started reading this blog. Some may even be a little put-off or upset by the contents of this post. But I need a place to write to get through this, and I am not gonna start another blog! I have too many already! So I ask those of you who read this not to judge... and if you have something to say let it please be supportive!

I am a smoker. Yup, a real honest to goodness (pretty close to) a pack a day smoker. I have been smoking for 15 years. This is my filthy dirty filthy secret. I have only once seriously considered quitting smoking (pregnancy aside, of course) and that was 2 years ago...and I didn't make it one day. Here is that blog post:

Everything I wrote in that post still stands true and strong. Those are still the reasons I want to quit, those are still the excuses in my head about why I don't want to quit. I think it's kind of funny that 2 years later absolutely nothing has changed in that aspect, while my life has changed so very much.

So what is different about today? Why is it going to work this time? Because I have a partner to do this with, that's why! Yup, my Hubby cakes is quitting too. In fact, it was his idea. I know I don't talk about Andy much here, but let me tell you this: for Andrew to step up on something like this is similar to the President guaranteeing a veto on a bill. Once he has spoken, so it shall be. He is, if anything, a Man of his word.

I was taken aback by his suggestion. After all, we had blabbed on about this many times before, but still went and bought smokes. I am not sure what was different this time? Maybe the look in his eyes, or the fact that we had to borrow $100 to get through another week, only to spend $40 of it on smokes? I think the guilt of that weighed so very heavy on our minds. And when we started chatting about what we could do with the money that we were spending on the damn sticks, it started to become very very clear to us. We realized that if we quit smoking today, in one year from now we could take our whole family (yes, even the kids!) on a week long cruise... that includes flights, souvenirs, the works. Yes. We have have been spending a Cruise a year on that filthy habit.

All of this was a week ago yesterday. We had just bought a carton of 99's by accident. Funny, usually our shorter smokes would last us 5 days tops. This carton lasted us until last night at around 6 pm. We decided that at the end of that carton would be the end of our smoking career. I have been waffling all week long... scared, bummed, angry, sad. I have been mind-fucking myself big time. But when I took that last drag, I knew it was time. I closed my eyes for a second, I pictured  my beautiful baby boys, and I knew that I had to quit right then. That was 13 hours ago, and not a smoke one has passed my lips.

I have taken each craving one at a time. Get through it, distract myself, breathe. I know that these next 10 days will be rough. I am going to try my best to not replace with another bad habit, specifically eating. I already feel myself wanting to snack...

I think it is safe to say, judging by the random, unorganized approach to this blog post, that my brain is frying. Thankfully it is supposed to fry for only a short while.


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