Im only a little crazy...

im short on time so I will come back later tonight with more sentiment...

BUT 12 WEEKS!  We did it! We Did it! WE DID ITTTT!!!

AND NOW FOR MY REFLECTION:

I was told buy more than one person that at the 12 week mark, breastfeeding becomes, well, normal. Second nature. Easy. Enjoyable. Part of you. I was loathe to believe this and I admit that openely. After all, how could we possibly become harmonious after so many troubles? How could this baby ever be happy at my breast, especially when he know that I am unable to provide his nutriton 100%? Well I was wrong. Almost as if it were magic, we have finally found a rythmn together that cannot be broken.

If you remember me posting about a month back or so... I was asking (in vain) where were these magical tender moments everyone kept talking about? Where he looks into my eyes, and I look into his, and we both smile softly.... you get the picture! We GOT that.

If you remember me posting about a month back or so... WHY am I doing this? WHY am I forcing breastfeeding if it is obviously NOT working??  It works now. And I know why I am doing it. And so does  he.

If you remember me posting about a month back or so...  Im just gonna go until I dry up. I can't keep up with this. My Breasts are broken.  They are not broken! And I am not dryed up! In fact, I am making more and more milk every day (only 13 oz supplement yesterday!)

If you remember me posting about a month back or so... If you read any of it at all... then there is no question about the true MIRACLE it is that I am posting about this.

I want to thank so many people for their help. I know, its not the Academy Awards LOL. But I want to give credit where it is due.

1. My Lord Jesus, who through all things gives me strength.
2. My Best friend Deidre... I love we are taking this journey together!
3. My Husband... who has NEVER ONCE suggested that we give up. Depsite the troubles and emotions, he stood by us every second. Amazing Man.
4. The ORG girls... you know who you are. Every single one of you. Every ((hug)) every tiny sentiment has been one more rung on our ladder to success. I could not have done it without you.
5. BFAR/Low Milk Supply website, book and Forums. Having the chance to connect with women who were in the same unique position was a joy indeed. Our troubles tend to be amplified, and it was nice to have that extra bit of support for our situations.
6. My boys... who sat patiently waiting for snacks and juice and all the things they needed. Who may have wanted to, but never made faces while I have had my boob whipped out. For ushering the neighbor kids away from the door, lol. My sweet boys.

7. And most important... Dalton. You could have given up a LONG time ago. I am still amazed that you didn't. In those early days when you were exhausted just by trying to latch on, starving, upset... you never said no to my efforts. When all the "experts" said you would be confused by the bottle, and spoiled by the formula... you proved them wrong!!! My Baby Boy, I thank you.

It is a miraculous and wonderful day today!

nursing session ever! He was just so calm and content... we nursed for a good hour. We were in postions were have never tried before, and he really seemed to enjoy just bring near me. As did I. I laid back on the couch and he kind of laid on top of me in the cradle positon. At first I was all nerved up trying to hold his head and what not, and then I just let him go on his own. He latches on beautifully now. He just made his own way, nursed till he was done. We did have to top off, but thats ok. If he keeps nursing like that I will have so much more milk!

So what was the difference? Well I see now. It was ME. Not him...ME. I was calm and relaxed. I wasn't worrying about laundry or cleaning or making dinner. Everit was content doing his thing... we even read a couple of  books while he was nursing. It was just SO nice not to have to put time constraint on what we were doing.

Oh and I ordered the movie BABIES. Very cute movie... Everit really enjoyed it too.

WWOHOHOOOOOO!!!  A much needed day at home. Thank you Lord!

After yesterday's non-sleeping fiasco, I was sure Dalton was not going to sleep last night. But I was oh-so-wrong! An 8 hour stretch for me (9 hours for him) and then another 2.5 hours! Didn't get out of bed until 7:30 this morning! Oh how we needed that sleep!

So today, I won't worry too much about the house or my responsibilties. I will nurse and nurse, maybe get in a pump or two. I will enjoy my boys today. I will eat on a regular schedule today. I will RELAX.

How goofy am I to be excited about being stuck to the couch nursing my little boy all day? LOL... I cannot wait.

Since he was born, it has been nothing but one BF roadblock after another. Sore nips, thrush, plugged ducts, growth spurts, visitors, exhaustion, and now its TIME. My Grandparents want to put their house on the market and move back to Cali to be with their kids. I support that 100%. To do so, they must clean out their house/property. Well, 70+ years of stuff collected, and them not having been in good health for the last 10 or more years has really taken its toll on the house. Mind you, its not quite and episode from Hoarders...but it is an undertaking of epic proportions. I am all to happy to help. I love my G unit, and they are compensating us very very well. Lord knows we need this money, they need the help. Its a win-win for both of us no doubt. But it is really making BF difficult... I am SO busy there and morning time is important for two reasons:  1. It's when I have the most milk available and 2. its when Dalton is most needy for comfort. It has really been hard for me, and him too I am sure.

This morning was the last straw for Dalton. He was not comforted anywhere anyway unless he was in my arms and nursing. I KNOW he is going through a growth spurt right now. He needs that milk, that love, that comfort that only Mommy can provide. And I am not able to give myself to him totally. It's very hard. I cannot starve my family (this is the only way we are gonna make it these next few months) and I cannot starve my child for attention. I cannot win at this game, no way now how. The DPD is starting to kick in, and I really need to maximize it's potential by nursing and or pumping as much as humanly possible.

I am trying not to allow myself to feel upset or down by this. I know that I am doing the best I can do, and doing the right thing for my Grandparents..bottom line, they don't have anyone else that can help them. They would be forced to hire strangers to help. And that is just not acceptable.

So I say  prayer to my Lord Jesus:  Lord, you  have provided me the money to buy this medication so I can provide the best for my child. You have opened up an opportunity for us to make money so that we do not lose everything we have. I pray for the strength to get through this hard time. I pray for my baby boy, that he know that his mama loves him and is not trying to ignore him.I pray for my Everit and my Ryan that they know the same. I pray for my breasts, that they may stay full with milk and continue to produce more and more each day. Be with us Lord, carry us in these times we need you most. Most of all, I thank you for my already immense blessings. Amen.

.. and many many thanks to GJ Caring Hands Doula Service for posting my blog link to her page. I really really hope that my story can encourage even ONE mom to stick with breastfeeding. I will also be composing my breastfeeding story and offering it to her for use. I am SO excited that story may be able to reach someone!!!

And some kind of exciting news this morning! Dalton slept an 8 hour stretch (OMG YES!) and then another 2 hours after that! WOOHOOO!!  When I woke up from the first run, I was full, but I did not feel overly full.I was a bit disappointed. I had hoped to be in pain (how stupid is that?) But he ate and ate and ate from both sides. It was about 25 minutes total... and he fell back asleep.

When he got back up at 6:30 we nursed again... he only nursed about 10 minutes on righty, and we went to the living room. I sat him down, and toook a chance and made some coffee.. what? No crying?  I made a bottle because, SURELY he will be starving to death. I nursed him on lefty, one more time on righty (about another 15 minutes total) and then we burped and played a bit. What? NO Crying? OK OK I though. I guess he is just feeling jovial this morning. SURELY he is starving to death. Offered him the bottle. REFUSE. WHAT? Offered it again. He took it, sucked once, all the milk dribbled out of his mouth and he smiled at me. OK he's just into playing. SURELY he is starving to death. Offered it up after a little more play time. NOW he's crying. And refusing the bottle. And fussing. SURELY this child is SO starved, that he cannot even muster the energy to take the bottle. I give up... and put him on the boob again. I will just let him fall asleep and maybe he can regain some energy and eat later. He eats for another 6 minutes or so..pops off ON HIS OWN and smiles.And laughs. And is playing. And 20 minutes, 1 cup of coffee, and a blog later, my SON is still playing on his own happy as a clam and is IN FACT NOT STARVING TO DEATH.

I love you Dopmeridone. I love you.

So I may be losing my mind, but I think that YES 48 hours after the DPD I am already making more milk! Praise God! I guess the title is a bit conservative... because it is an enormous difference from last week. I think this is a combo of the herbs and the DPD. I cannot even express my excitement at having enough to take this higher dose, and be able to allow the medication to work to its full potential!

ON the downside of this... I really cannot make a decision on whether or not I want to start pumping as of yet. Yes yes, more milk removed is more  milk made... but as I am not yet making a lot milk, I am loathe to pump inbetween. I would rather Dalton get used to milk being at the breast again VS. making him work his butt off for a few drops. My gut says that as long as I BF on demand for now and allow those meds to get into my system then I can enjoy another pump free week or so. I'm gonna go with that for now. If I notice I am making alot more milk then I will start pumping again.

SO another thing I have been considering: If this DPD brings me to a full (or over) supply I think I may start a freezer stash! He is used to and comfortable with the formula for now. Why not take a month to freeze away some of my milk, get ahead of myself a bit. By doing this I will have my BM on hand for emergencies. If we can't afford the formula and I can't BF for some reason, well we will have a little nest egg to fall back on! A BM savings account of sorts!

And on a final note for today:  I love breastfeeding. This is everything I dreamed it could be. Yes the struggle can wear on me at times, but it is SO FLIPPIN WORTH IT. I want to be an advocate for breastfeeding. I have no formal education, but I feel that the problems I have encountered and endured make me a great candidate for encouraging other women to stick with it. I may look into this today If I find the time. Our local LLL is lacking in support... I would love to help bring it back!

The DPD arrived last night! I took 5 pills straight away! I am SO happy and thankful for the kindness of a stranger!  When I get my shipment in, I am going to write a nice thank you note for her, and maybe even send a jar of home canned tomatoes as a gesture. She took a very real chance sending that to me, and I really want to properly express my gratitude to her!

I have been waffling about the dosage.. but I have settled on the 140mg to start. I think it will give me a jumpstart on my milk production and saving my sad sad supply.  If I find it overfills me (wouldn't that be awesome?) I can always back off.

I have not been doing my supply any justice though. I have been working so much at my Grandparents these last few weeks I have been sacrificing all of my precious pump time... I wouldn't change it for the world as I love helping my Grandparents, but I know I need to take this weekend to nurse/pump nurse/pump. Poor Andy. he probably would like one weekend where I am not sleeping and/or too busy to pay attention.  These first few months of babyhood are always the toughest!

WAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  The call of the WILD!!  Off I go!

the milk that is. I think the herbs are finally kicking in!!  What a nice feeling! I hated being all floppy and empty. Weaning is gonna be hell for me, whenever that happens.

 PRAYING the DPD arrives in the mail today! Oh how I would squeal and smile! And I got shipping confirmation for my order as well... hope we make it through customs!

And so.. we will be hitting the 11 week mark on Thursday. I can hardly believe that A. My  baby is 11 weeks and B. I haven't given up yet. Two little miracles that mean so much to me! And despite the issues we have had I have to say that I LOVE breastfeeding. Even on the tough days. And all those people who said it gets easier? They were right. Problems or no problems, it is now something I believe is a solid part of our lives. It no longer consumes my every waking thought like it did before. I am more relaxed about it. Hitting that point where I am proud of any drop he gets has been the most amazing milestone for me. OF COURSE I would love nothing more than to be his sole source of nutrition. But really, with all my breasts have been through they are doing an amazing job. And Dalton and I share something special together. A little something different from my other baby boys. I have such a unique and special connection to all my babies... I love them all so much and so individually. I wish there were a way to put into words how differently and wonderfully you love each of your children! NO way to explain it... you just gotta be there.

MEH MEH  MEH!!!  I promised myself I wouldn't panic... but I lied to myself. Because I am panicking.

The difference between this week and last week is ENORMOUS. Dalton was SO happy last week on the boob... He would pause halfway through that 10 minute let down and just smile! Now he is back to fussing and squirming and kneeding and scratching and oh it breaks my heart. Just breaks my heart.

I pumped to see what was going on... I got about a 2 minute let down and got about 1/2 oz. Yes I had just fed him but still... how depressing.  I am very thankful we still  have alot of formula! I bet we finish off that giant can before the DPD gets here.

THE GOOD NEWS IS!!  We will have enough to buy a buttload of DPD. AND I was on a forum yesterday that I frequent, and a person had posted that she had some spare DPD boxes she could send out. I thought, what the heck I will PM her and see if maybe she would be willing to help a total stranger out. Well PRAISE GOD she is more than willing. She will ship it out today, and I will simply send her the replacements when mine arrives. How awesome is THIS? So instead of 2 more weeks of NO supply I can get back on track by next week. Im touched and amazed by her kindness. It stands to reason though... low supply chicks need to stick together, lol.

So I am thinking my supply is pooped out and sadness and depression over it, blah blah.

He ate at around 6:30, and I followed up with 3 oz of forumula. He napped until we got back from dropping of Ryan at school. We nursed for like I dunno 30 minutes total-ish?  When he was done, he was alert, happy, and is still playing and smiling and doing his thing.

DID HE GET FULL? Is that even possible? 

Check back for more updates.

AND he took 3 oz of formula after another 15 minutes of nursing. *sigh* so close.

My supply that is. 24 hours without the meds and the greek and bam! Im making 1/2 the milk I was. I had to give him a bottle twice already, and its only 6 am. I didn't wake up feeling full like I have been. He is not swallowing as greedily as he was. Poopsticks.

ON a scary note, I woke up this morning to a blank computer screen with nothing but a DOS prompt. I almost melted down right then and there. Thankfully, it was just a windows update that made things a bit screwy and somehow was trying to make my computer boot up from the wrong drive. Even more thankful I know enough about computers to understand that was the issue. Little things like that can cause one alot of time, money and heartache if you do not understand the basics!

I cannot even FATHOM losing the pictures on this computer. I cried instantly thinking of what I could have lost. SO, looks like I will be devoting some serious time to organizing and backing up my photos. Ironically, while trying to fall asleep last night I was thinking of how I would like to organize my pics into more reasonable and accessible folders. I really do have quite the mess, lol. I will do little bits at a time and back up as much as I can as I go.

Best news of all, I have COFFEE!!!  Yeah scored a new carafe last night at Kmart. I couldn't endure another coffee free day. Or rather, no one would want to endure me. I am going to my Grandparents to clean today. LOL.. another reason coffee is so flippin' important.

Later on today or tomorrow I will be blogging about an idea that was planted in my head. Non BF related. I am going to gather some more details today, and hopefully start organizing some thoughts about it. Might be something big!

the Domperidone is a SUCCESS!!  I have so much more milk than I ever did! I fed him exclusively breast last night and this morning!  And with more milk, he is more patient at the breast, and eats more. Yeah, that stuff is the BOMB.

I am SO sad I have to wait so long for my next shipment. I talked with Andy, and he told me if I feel its worth it then we will buy it. I really really do... I feel strongly if I keep going with it I may reach EBF status within a month or two! Or at least 90%! 

So Friday I will order more, and PRAY it doesn't take the full 2 weeks to arrive again. Although it most likely will, so I will prepare myself for that. But getting a 64 day supply, I won't run short and I can keep this miracle working. This very pricey miracle, lol.

I am nervous about keeping my supply good while waiting. I will have to stay disciplined, and not get frustrated. I will have to pump often. I will have to make this work. I CAN do this!!  Heck, this is a cakewalk compared to all the crap we have been through thus far LOL!

FARK FARK!!  I am out of Fenugreek seed too... and blessed thistle. All I have are 5 Mothers Milk tea Bags. FARK!  Ok now I am very nervous about my supply.... Oh say a prayer for me!

So Dalton dun got himself overtired this weekend. Last night was a little tough. He really didn't even nap yesterday, save for a few cat naps.

I have BF'd him most of the morning... and gave into 3 oz of formula because he just kept passing out from exhaustion, yet would startle awake starved, repeat repeat. So I topped him off, and he took only about 1.5 oz before he finally fell asleep. He has been down for around an hour now. Praying he takes a good one!

So I pumped because I felt full even after the morning BF-athon. 3 OZ!!  WOOHOOO!!  Thats alot for me if I am acutally putting him to the breast! I am really stoked on that... and a little depressed because....

this is my last full day of DPD, then I am out. I cannot order any until Friday. Which means another 2 weeks before it gets here. SO bummed, as I really really feel like it is working for me. My breasts look full and firm again, I am pumping and feeding and making that baby happy whenever he wants milk. Yes, we still supplement with the formula. But I am going to try (not KILL MYSELF) but try to get into a BF/pump cycle that allows me to supplement with EBM only. Wouldn't that rule? Of course, the next 2 weeks I will be pumping just keep my already meager supply above water. Damn i wish I had really thought that purchase out a little more. Ah well..

SO I figured out.. i am taking 100 mg per day and getting decent results. It is said you can take up to 140mg safely. I really wanna try taking that higher dose. If the 100 mg is doing this well, I may do even  better with more. I want to order a 2 month supply, so I am covered for another couple of paychecks.

140 mg day = 14 pills.

2 months= 8 weeks= 56 days.

56 days x 14 pills per day = 784 pills.

I will purchase the 900 pill package at $115

900 pills will get me an additional 116 pills.

116 pills / 14 per day = 8 more days of pills.

So, for $115 I will have a 64 day supply. No too bad actually. Come on Friday.

And because I am weird:

I spent $28 on 100 pills = $.28 per pill.

$.28 per pill x 900 = $252!!!  So yeah... Im gonna save a dollar or so buying bulk! Crap at that price I may have to buy even more, lol..

Before I jump on my soapbox,I would like to announce that we are NOW breastfeeding pain free! I honestly do not which medication (or both?) is working, but something is and I am forever grateful! No more seething pain, no more agonizing engorgement. I am letting down even more easily than I was before all this drama began! Yesterday evening I applied our final dose of GV to my breasts, and lefty decided It was time to let down LOL. I HAD to hand express into a bottle! There was no stopping her. Got about 1/2 oz just from that!  And Righty followed suit. Luckily I was able to snatch Dalton first and latch him on. Of course, it made purple disaster. I look like I got in a fight with a room of finger painting preschoolers. Its all good though! I would gladly be purple for the duration if it means my BF relationship is intact.  I will probably look into grapefruit seed extract and lechticin as well. Preventative care may be the ticket to keeping my ducts free and clear.

I may have some lofty opinions about BF. Not because I feel like I am an expert, lol. 9 weeks of pure BF hell has left me somewhat more educated, however I will not pretend i know more than the experts. But I am troubled by the advice that is given to mothers about BF. Specifically about their supply level and the things that can sabotage it. I do not argue the basics. Yes, you must BF (or pump) to make milk. Yes, it is supply and demand. Yes, most women DO make enough to satisfy their little ones.

I was reading something earlier this morning; a small bit of advice dolled out to an acquaintance. It really upset me. Basically the mom was worried she was not making enough (aren't we all?) and was just looking for support. She admitted to giving EBM a few times a day in a bottle. Then the advice came, and it to me it was so..ugh. "You may be losing your BF relationship" "Your supply will suffer greatly." It made my stomach turn. Here was a person who was OBVIOUSLY succeeding at BF, but a first time Mom and a bit nervous. She needed support, encouragement and a pat on the back. NOT some diatribe about losing her supply because she pumped off some milk to feed her baby at night.

 THERE IS NOT JUST ONE WAY TO BF YOUR CHILD. There are SO many variations. Some BF a little, some exclusively. Some pump, some bottle feed, some supplement. Bottom line, a Mother MUST find a groove that works for her and the baby. And it is not always going to fall into the lines of the "perfect" breastfeeding recipe.

Maybe because I have to supplement I am more lax on the issue? I just cannot stand to see these women being told at every corner and turn that their milk is gonna dry up if they miss a feeding. Or give a bottle. Or sleep for 5 hours. It's WRONG and in my opinion very bullying advice. For the last 9 weeks, I have had every single BF issue there is to have. And I have used a bottle, missed feedings, stopped BF'ing for days at a time, missed pumping opportunities, skipped BF'ing just CUZ I DIDN"T WANNA!  And well, I still have MILK!  And just as much  milk as I have had the entire time. Hell, even more now (that may be the DPD working though.)

So badly, I want to write a book or force women to read my blog. I want them to see that while those books do have the absolute scientific facts behind BF, there is nothing in those books that help a woman feel OK about their "own way." I spent the first month in an absolute panic thinking that if I even farted in the wrong direction I was gonna dry up and starve my child. I really really think this is the WRONG approach to encouraging breastfeeding. We should not be made to FEAR it. We should be taught to understand the things that can go wrong and how to remedy them. But not fear mongered. Breastfeeding should be approached with respect and knowledge but in a relaxed manner. Know that troubles may happen and if they do, HERE is your arsenal of information to help you through.

On the flip side of the coin that same advice makes it sound as if you just BF and BF and BF that is going to be the magic that makes your relationship flourish. It is made to be so simple... put the baby next your boob. Baby will magically latch on, eat till he's full and go to sleep. Repeat every 1.5 hours or so. HA!!! Its the answer to everything it seems. Again, not arguing the scientific facts of BF. But hell no it is not the way it goes for everyone. There are only 5,000,000 variations on how your BF relationship will go... and I really feel like that is misrepresented.

OK enough rambling on. In summary, DO NOT make women scared to BF. Encourage them to find their own rhythm. Remember that your BF relationship is unlike anyone Else's. No fear mongering about supply...seriously enough of that crap. This is not the 1800's, nor is it the plains of Africa. We DO have options, and they can and should be safely excercised if need be. ENCOURAGE ENCOURAGE ENCOURAGE. NO more fear people. NO MORE FEAR.

WE NURSED WE NURSED!!!  AYYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you Lord, thank you Jesus! Thank you to anyone and everyone who prayed! WE NURSED! Practically PAIN FREE!  I cannot believe it! And good nursing too... not just a few sad minutes... 20 minutes of pure BLISS!!  He was giggling! And smiling! And I was crying... only tears of JOY this time!

AYYAYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Purple is my color, apparently. I wear it well. According to Andy, the purple nips are "f*&*** HAWT. Like pasties."  LOL. See why I love this man so much?

It was not as bad as I thought it would be...but we didn't nurse yet either. I used olive oil on Daltons cheeks to help the staining and it worked! We were able to contain the purple to the mouth only.I think he looks adorable! Like a  little zombie baby! And what do we feed zombie babies???????

PURPLE MILK!!! Talk about the shock of a lifetime when I pumped last night, LOL!  It really is a beautiful hue. A little tough to get over the color, lol. I thought for sure he would reject it! But he chomped down OZ's and is now sleeping like teh un-dead!!!

I am very happy that I quit being stubborn and went to the doc. My breast hurts so bad still. This is more than thrush without any doubt. I am still engorged from last night. I cannot empty this breast to save my life... and it's making me extremely nervous. I keep pumping for short periods of time, 5-10 minutes. That's all i can really take, pain wise. I am getting little bits and little bits.... I am hoping, like yesterday and the day before, it finally releases the milk. Usually the 9 am pump lets it go. I hope so.

I have prayed over myself for healing. And if anyone who reads this has an extra moment to spare, I would really appreciate a healing prayer. I just feel like I have been hurting for months and months. I want to wake up NOT in pain. I wanna nurse my baby. I wanna walk my son to school. I need these things in my life. PLEASE LORD JESUS HEAL MY BODY!!!  Amen!

Well Doc has me on antibiotics, and MUCH to my surprise said to use the gentian violet. So, here we go. She suspects that it may be the clogged duct still clogged up, and that there may be an infection in there stopping it from going away. I concur, because I just pump and saw floaters in my milk... so I think she may be right on the money!

And PRAISE GOD... because that dingy lady yesterday at the pharmacy forgot to order the violet! And the other pharmacy I usually use was out. AND it was gonna cost me $16. Well when I went to get my AB's, the lady found a small bottle in the back and it was only $3!!!  YAY!  So I can hopefully get some relief SOON. I am going to do my first treatment after I get home from picking up Ryan from school. Not looking forward to being purple... but I cannot wait to nurse my baby again. I can't believe how much I miss it.

Oh and hello milk! I am pumping 2 oz almost every single time! How exciting! I may just have a chance at a decent supply after all... even if I have to wait another 3 weeks for another supply of DPD.


_____________________________________________________________________________
Well this is it.. I am gonna go to my Doc's hopefully today. This pain won't subside no matter what I do. Maybe its more than thrush. I think it's time I admit that. I ordered Gentian Violet from the pharmacy yesterday so that should be here today sometime. I dunno. If it is mastitis, then I will be prescribed antibiotics, which will make me have even more yeast troubles than I already do. I will ask him if I can do the violet and the meds both. I am really hoping he will give me something for the pain. Ibuprofin doesn't touch it anymore. *sigh*  Please, someone tell me this is the last trouble we will have!!! 

The thing that torks me off the most I think, is that this all went down just after getting the DPD. So I have NO idea if this stuff is working because I am unable to efficently remove my milk, therefore sabotaging the whole process. I have considered just stopping and waiting until this is all over. Maybe I will do that. OR is it the one thing that has kept me from drying up? Nothing is ever easy for me.

How stupid am I? No really... I get the award today.

So the nipple pain has been EPIC ever since the plugged duct from last Thursday. And I kept making excuses for it... Oh its leftover pain, OH its his latch, OH its his tooth, OH its the new pump. BLAH BLAH. I have been barely able to nurse, and he really has not been able to keep his latch.

The other HUGE issue is that my letdown has really been, well, letting me down *snicker*  I kept blaming it on the pump, the pain, the engorgement, the bad latch, etc... Had a new excuse every single time. But I have never ever had a letdown issue, and it just seemed so out of place.

THRUSH you freaking idiot Joee, THRUSH. How many articles have I purused? How many books do I own? LAME. I have thrush, and I have it BAAAD. RED, flaky nipples, intense nipple and deep tissue pain, sharp shooting pain for an hour after feeding, no letdown, swollen unhappy boobs. DUH DUH DUH DUH. Dalton on the other hand has NO white patches whatsoever. Which is why I refused to believe it. AAAHHAA.

Nystatin! To the RESCUE! I think not. I am going to use it for the rest of the day, but after I pick up Squids from school I am going to get some gentian violet. I have read it really is the way to go, although the purple baby and purple nipples will be a bit akward.

FARK FARK FARK!!  I could have dealt with this a WEEK ago had i acutally paid some freaking attention!

*sigh*

ON a good note, Finally righty let down. I think the Nystatin must be something.

Totally OT and TMI, but my ass hurts... moving on...

I *think* me and my pump are starting to come to terms with each other. I am learning how to make it work for me, and in exchange, pump is doing its job of removing milk. It is still hesitant to take alot, BUT this morning even after BF I got 3 oz. Not too shabby... of course I had to work for it lol. And this may be the result of the DPD as well.

So I stand with two very frustrating issues at the moment (ok, three if you count these stupid hemmies!)

1. Daltons latch. Righty got sore from the that duct, and I am in a cycle I can't seem to escape from. Now its UBER painful to nurse again, which makes it hard for me to relax, which makes it hard for him to relax, and there you have it. Not so successful sessions at the moment. In addition to that, he decided to stay all cracked out yesterday and didn't nap for nearly 9 hours. And last night was not so great for sleep. So he is overtired and nippin'and nappin'. It kills my boobies. He needs a good 3 hour nap and to wake up fully hungry and awake. Tired Dalton has a killer latch!

2. Lefty. Dalton is all but refusing lefty now. I try every time, and he just pulls and tugs and fusses and cries and fusses and pulls and tugs. Now the girls have never been of equal size, no not even with implants. Lefty has always been sad and small and awkward (hence the reason I got the boobs in the first place!!!) But the size difference has now become painfully obvious. She keeps making milk though, despite being brutally rebuffed. Poor Lefty. Always been in second place.

Everyday, something new to stress over.

Oh and I am gonna do a pump/feed check in today. I wanna see if the DPD is making a difference at all. Today I will nurse and pump and see what's shakin'. I will also record his formula intake so I get an idea. Tomorrow I may do just a straight pump day..still not sure about that!

So here goes 9 am to 9 am (24 hour)

PUMPING OUTPUT (with nursing)

9 am   = 3 oz

10 am = 1.5 oz

1 pm  = .5 oz


FORMULA FEED

1:15 pm  3 oz formula, 1 oz EBM




BREASTFEED LENGTH (appx)

11:00 am 5 minutes (then 4.5 oz EBM)

12:00 10 minutes (8 for righty, 2 for lefty)

That damn DPD finally got here! 2 weeks to the day from when it was shipped... talk about the short (or is it the long?) end of the estimated shipping stick. Ah well, can't complain. At least it got through customs! Shady ass...

When I woke up from my long and luxurious 4 hour nap on Saturday afternoon my DPD had arrived. I took 3 pills right away, and another 3 before bedtime. Yesterday I took 3, then 3, then 4.. so I guess I am trying 100mg per day. the dosage is really just a trial for every person. Some take as little as 80, some as much as 160 per day. Seeing as how I am a COMPLETE freaking idiot and only ordered 100 pills, I decided that 100mg per day will give me the best chance at seeing if it is at all helpful. Ahaa.. and if it IS? I get to wait another 2 weeks for more (thanks to being broke as ususal!) I am gonna throw down the cash and order a buttload if I feel its worth it. I hope its worth it. Who am I kidding? Im gonna order more at the first golden opportunity becuase this trial run is not sufficient in determining what this med can do for me. Doing my research it took a full 2 weeks to see the results, and then more at 4, and more at 6. So it takes some times. Which takes more pills. Which takes more money. Which I don't have. Story of my life.

Thus far I can't report much. My supply has been so up and down these last few days with the clogged duct and long nights and weird naps and that new pump. I just can't issue a statement as of yet. I FEEL fuller, but again things have just been off balance this weekend. I keep reminding myself, that regardless of how much prolactin is surging through  my system CHANCES ARE my surgeries have simply limited the amount of ducts in working order. There is only so much they can do. If I have 1/2 the ducts a normal lactating woman has, then I will make 1/2 the milk. The surviving members can only do so much!

This morning, well even last night I felt like I had alot more milk to offer. After the 1 am feed, I pumped, and could not get a freaking letdown to save my life. That pump, I just don't know. It works great sometimes, and others its completely useless. I tried cycling, different suction speeds, massage, compression, heat... and my boobs wouldn't drain. SO thankful he has been eating good or I would be in a world of hurt right now!!  I don't think I could ever EP with this damn pump...

Despite my confidence in a somewhat increased supply, Dalton is still taking ounces after feeding. Which by now shouldn't bother me in the slightest, lol. But it does. I think it always will. Oh and praise God Andy's parents bought us a HUGE can of formula. Praying it lasts till the next payday! 2 loong weeks. LONG weeks.

Dalton's latch is still poop. Kid is the size of a 6 month old now, and he still cannot latch to save his life. My nip is sore, and I cannot wait for the day he just stops hurting me. Of course that should coincide with more teeth, which will be a whole new can of worms for us I am sure.

Where do I begin?I HATE this pump!

 I finally got to bed around 8:30 pm, and I had pumped just before but I knew I felt fuller than I should. But Dalton was already passed out and no way was I gonna wake  him up to latch on, so I went to sleep. I didn't get up until 1 am and I was FULLY ENGORGED to the point that I could not even touch my breast. I got my compress, set out to pump, and I had to pump 20 minutes to even get some relief. Not even 2 oz??/  Are you kidding me? There had to have been 4 gallons in there! I was too tired to go on and went back to bed.

4 am Dalton is up again hungry. I feed him a bottle, and realized I was engorged AGAIN. But I was tired, and knew he would be up at 5:30 again, so I said F it and layed back down. 10 minutes later here comes Ryan...he had puked all over his floor. Great. So I scrubbed puke until 5 am. I set to pump again, and NOTHING was happening. After 10 minutes not even a full ounce. I warmed up the compress 4 times, trying to get something to shake loose.. nope.

5:30 am, Dalton wakes like clockwork. I decided I had to latch him on no matter HOW bad it hurt because this sorry excuse for a pump isn't doing a damn thing. I said a Prayer to the Lord, to help it not hurt. AMEN. Prayer answered. It was uncomfortable, but not that blinding pain I was experiencing the day before. Yes relief! He was able to un-gorge me finally.

6 am he's full and sleepy so we lay down. He starts fussing. i tried to just let him wiggle himself to sleep but he wouldn't. I sat back up, nursed him again, an finally he dozed off. I was almost asleep when...

MAMA! gets screamed from Everits room. I get back up and try to lay him down again. Crawl back in bed and when my head hit the pillow he opened his door.I yelled at him to go back to sleep... then Andy flew out of bed like he was freaking superdad or something and layed him down. He came back all huffy..i am now officially pissed off. 

6:30 Everits still awake but quiet in his room at least. Then out of the blue Dalton wakes up crying, refuses to calm down. I throw in the towel. I snatch him, slam the bedroom door on Mr "I need sleep more than you" and open Everits door. Make coffee.

7:30 am  Baby is still awake. Everit is calm. I have coffee. Andy and Ryan still asleep. I am blogging because if I don't get this out of my system, I am gonna be in a VERY VERY VERY VERY bad fucking mood.

Not pumping screwed my supply big time. I have been pumping all day (not nursing) and I haven't gotten more than 5 ounces. Yeah. I would have had 10 at least by now. No wonder he has been so pissed off at the boobs the last few days. There isn't much to offer in there.. not much at all. Well poodoodles. I have a huge decision to make. Power pump for the next couple of days with little nursing, OR nurse until the cows come home AND pump afterwards. With him being such a pill, I may go for the first option. And it might help get through the pain the stupid duct caused me.

Now it may very well be that my breasts are not responding as well to the new pump. It seems to have a stronger suction than the hospital pump did, but that could be an illusion. All the experts say even the PIS is not as good as the hospital grade. But its a close damn second!

WHERE THE FARK IS MY FARKIN DPD??  REOWR!!!  ROOOARR!!  MEH MEH!!!!

Yeah so the last couple of days Right has been sore, but I thought it was just from trying those new latch positions. Ha. I was wrong. Yesterday I noticed the pain was really intensifying. The last feed before bedtime was extremely painful. When he woke up at 2 am, I latched him on and OMG the pain was simply unbearable. I dealt with it for about 5 minutes then unlatched him and gave him so formula. I went to investigate, and saw the dread white spot on my nip. DREAD I say. I couldn't feel any lumps at the surface, but pain+bump=plugged duct.

So I got a washcloth and set out to unplug that sucker. From 2:30 to 4 am I did hot moist compress then pump. Over and over. I was freezing and exhausted and went back to bed, still plugged.

Dalton woke up at 5:30 and I really had not slept well at all. I was deathly afraid to latch him on (even tough I know nursing is the only remedy!) I gave him another bottle. I just was not mentally prepared for the pain.

And of course, he was up at 6:30 again like he is every morning! I latched him on, OMG OMG OMG OMG. I was BAWLING. Tears were running faster then the milk. I think I scared Andy. So I let him nurse, and I think it was about 7 minutes? I dunno, it was so painful I felt nauseous. Thankfully he passed back out after his snack... I don't know If I could have gone another second longer.

So I got my hot washcloth and did some hand expression, there IS milk coming out of that duct! PRAISE GOD!!  The bump is still there much more pronounced then it was... so Lord willing I will have this thing unplugged by the end of the day. I pumped for 15 minutes and got 1 oz (which is really good for after a feed) so I think that the duct is still in working order. I watched milk pouring out of it. Now to just get that plug out!!!!My breast still hurts, but not as bad... I am going to nurse and pump and nurse and pump ALL day long. Praying that Everit is content today, and Dalton is willing to be on the boob for that long.

And another thing.. what is with this fussing at the breast? The pulling? The talking? I admit it is funny to hear him mumble, lol... but I am ready for him to be calm at the boob again. Please someone tell me he will not be jerking around for the rest our our BF time.

Ahha... Maybe this is God's way of getting me back on a pumping schedule, lol. "JOEE!!  THOU SHALT PUMP! THOU SHALT PUUUMP!"  EHheee... like the Lord has time to worry about my pumping schedule! LOLOLOL!!!

the GOOD: Well last night was kinda spiffy! NO bottles until the 5 am feeding! WOOT!!  We BF'd at the 1 and 4 am feeding, and again at 5 but by then  he was WAY hungry and a little too fussy to be patient for the boob, lol. But wow what an accomplishment! I was super stoked!

the BAD: He is all but refusing lefty now. He has a kitten over trying to latch on. I dunno if this is a phase, or if Lefty has officially been deemed an enemy... but I will keep trying. AND I noticed that he did not have very full pee diapers this morning either... they were wet, but not heavy wet. Kind of dissapointing. I was hoping that by some small miracle I had actually satisfied him. But I think its more of a "too tired" issue. He is really all about his nighttime sleep. Good, and bad.

And my supply..ack. Its sad right now. I HAVE to pump. Just have to. And where the FLIP is my DPD? I  think what I may do is talk to Andy and explain that Sunday-Monday I need to have a nurse in, OR  power pump my flippin brains out. I can't decide whats best... with pumping i KNOW thatmy breasts will be stimulated properly..but that means bottles for Dalton, and I am forver scared he wont go back to the  breast. I f I nurse, then I run the chance of not doing anything at all because of his poor latch and un-wilingness to nurse lefty.

*sigh*  Decisions Decisions.

I had  my Wic appointment today. I brought the hospital pump to exchange out. Me and the lady were chatting about BF'ing. She asked me how long I planned on doing it... my reply was as long as he wants! She got a strange look on her face (shes kind of a spaz anyway) and said, ya know.... (dramatic pause)  we have single use pumps (dramatic pause) that we do give to CERTAIN individuals (dramatic pause) that are commited to breastfeeding for the duration. I was like, OMG what? Are we talking about the Medela pump in style for me to keep all my own forever and evers? She says:  YES. I couldn't handle it, I BURST into tears of Joy and thankfullness!!  What a BLESSING!  THE bomb-diggity highly sought after retails for over $300 HOLY GRAIL of pumps!!!  FREE!  THANK YOU JESUS!!  THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!
She looked at me funny at first. then stood up and said. you are giving me chills Joee... THIS Is why i do this job. THIS is why I love my job!!  Of course that made me cry more!!

The only downside is that I cannot have any more formula checks. But she was kind enough to give me 2 cans she had on hand, knowing how hard we are trying to BF exclusively. In fact, this makes me want to try even harder to EBF now. What a blessing!!!  Maybe, just maybe, we can be THAT success story...the struggle against all odds, the support from places you  never excpected, the perseverance and finally the goal!!!  As Lord as my witness, and all of you that read this (all 1 of you!  LOL!) I will try my best and NOT give up. I really feel like this was my sign from God that not only am I doing the right thing, but that I am going to be successful! 

Wow... just wow. Forget the 12 week goal... lets make my NEXT goal one year!!!!