Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Ok so, I said I was gonna stop. I can't. I didn't BF all night and decided to pump instead, which was fine as my nip is extremely sore (more about that in a paragraph or two.) This morning he was fussies after his bottle. I KNEW he had enough to eat, but we were laying down and he kept wiggling to my breast and trying to nurse. OMG it just broke my heart, and filled me with love, and made me cry and made me laugh all at the same time. So I nursed him despite the pain. He didn't take much, but he drifted off to a happy place and sat content for the next hour in his little chair, just happy as a clam in the sand.

I took care to pay close attention to how my breasts reacted to the pump. And again, even after a 20 minute pump session with compression and massage and getting about 3 oz (total) my breasts were still firm. Nothing like when he nurses from me. So it's a fact... that pump just cannot replace the baby's suckling. And it proved another thing to me, something I have not wanted to admit but I think it's time I do...

I HAVE A LOW SUPPLY. There I said it. My breasts have a capacity, and it will not be exceeded despite my best efforts. The surgeries took their toll, and I must face this as truth and stop denying it. I have done all things right from the beginning and I know this. I could feed and pump around the clock for 3 weeks and I will still never make more than I do now. But there is a light at the end of this long and painful tunnel.... And that is I do not have to provide all his nutrition by myself. I can supplement, I will supplement, and he will be better for it in the end. I am going to nurse for the comfort, for the love, for the weight loss, for the absolute bonding of it. I will (try) not to stress any longer about being his sole source of nutrition. I will be calm and cool about the little I have to share with him. From this day forward, I will make every possible effort to ENJOY the BF, rather than fight it.

So about that TMI nipple... I posted previously about that blister I had. At my post partum appointment today, I had my doc drain it. Yeah, it hurt. Ummm, ok it really really hurt. Thank the Lord it was not infected. All that came out was a large crunchy piece of colostrum and a little bit of blood. I am thrilled its gone, but not thrilled about the healing process. Of course, to get that duct flowing again, I have to nurse him, and of course, that's gonna hurt worse than I can even bear to think about. So happy I have some pain meds leftover from the Section!! I popped a percoset when I got home, and I will take an ibuprofen as well.... Whatever it takes to keep him at the breast!

So, in conclusion: I am NOT going to stop BF. I am going to get my mindset in the right place. I will start to pump again to help the supply along and help supplement him. I will order the Domperidone on Friday and try that as well. I will remind myself that REGARDLESS of how much I make, nursing him is ALL I ever wanted to do. It was never about nutrition, it was about the emotions. And is about the emotions.

Finally, I will thank the Lord that I make anything at all, and that even though its been more difficult than I ever imagined I am still doing it. That's a little miracle in and of itself!


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