Im only a little crazy...

I think I may have found a winning combination, although I am still a little unsure as I need to wait until the nettle leaves my system. I did discover that fenugreek, blessed thistle and the alfalfa are make a HUGE difference in my supply. I am leaking more than ever, and when Dalton has wanted milk, he has had it. And one thing that I had speculated on but never confirmed: marshmallow root actually reduces my supply! Not by much, but enough to notice. Now that I am not taking I see a difference.

Again, until I am sure the nettle is gone (I took the last 2 yesterday evening) I cannot be positive... but I think this may be the DING DING WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!!!

And one last thing... I believe that his supplement bottles are now a habit (or choice) at this point. I am not saying I have a full supply... but he always wants them at the SAME time of day, every day. I can nurse him and hear him swallowing for a good 10 minutes, but if it is near the ba-ba time he starts fussing till he gets it. And I have to ask myself... does it matter? Does it really, truly matter at this point? We nurse like we are exclusive.... he still gets the majority from me... other than the expense (which is minimal in comparison to what it could be) there is really no reason for me to make a stink over it. That being said, I still feel odd every time he gets one; a strange mixture of failure, sadness and regret. Sure, the emotions get less intense but they never really subside completely.

In 10 days from now we celebrate 5 months of breastfeeding... amazing.

Without even the slightest prompting or nudging from me he is starting to have longer, uninterrupted sleep! I don't think he stirred more than 4 times last night, and he would only latch on for a few seconds and pass back out. I love it! My boobs, however, do not. I was hurting this morning, soaked and cold. It was awesome! I was so happy to feel full again... I missed that! Crazy part was I had to wake HIM up to nurse! He was nursing away and I dozed off again. He woke ME up by pawing at my face and when I opened my eyes, he was on his belly sitting up proud as a peacock and smiling like a goofer. Exactly the way I want to be woken up every morning! A beautiful happy baby happy to see me. It's precious beyond words.

With all of the research I have done about breastfeeding (and it has been ALOT) I was bound and determined to not introduce solids until he was 6 months old. There are really two sides to this... and I thought I had picked mine but Dalton has gone against the grain as far as Breastfeeding rules are concerned. Who am I to begrudge him the opportunity to try something new? At 19+ pounds and nearly 28 inches long I believe he may be ready for a little more. I know that at this point solids are not about getting full or even needing the nutrition. But he started to really show interest in food a few weeks ago... grabbing for spoons and snatching things off of my plate. We have let him try applesauce and watermelon (just licking it to try the flavor) and he did not balk at all. Wednesday I was making pumpkin pies for Thanksgiving and I thought to myself "what the heck? let the boy try some pumpkin!"  He LOVED IT. He must have eaten 2 tablespoons, smiling and wiggling the whole time. So I baked a sweet potato yesterday and pureed it with breast milk. I think it was a bit too chunky still (note to self: use the food processor next time!) but he seemed to really like it. He was just not too fond of the texture. I think I also picked a bad time to have him try it... it was kinda late and he was tired. So we will try again today. I also picked up some baby oatmeal yesterday. I am not sure I will introduce it just yet... gonna let him lead the way and see how it all goes down!

Regarding my previous post:  I have determined that all things have played a factor in the difference between our relationships. I still feel a bit awkward about it. But I have decided to make a bigger effort at more quality time with Everit especially.This should help alleviate guilt and hopefully help us feel more connected. Ryan on the other hand is so busy doing his own thing... he is doing SO good in school, has his neighborhood friends and of course Everit as his partner in crime. I feel that as of now, he is in good shape emotionally and I will leave it be. Don't try fixing something that isn't broken!~

I adore my baby. It is almost like a teenage crush. And I would say it was the same for him. I cannot walk away without him staring me down. I cannot be in the same room without holding him. We are totally in love with each other. And it breaks my heart, because I just never had this same bond with my other two. I look back at our relationships and they were just so much different. More of a "this is what you need, here you go, ok let me know if you need something else" kind of deal. OF COURSE there was love and happiness and adoration. But NO WHERE near the scale for me and Dalton. With him, I am a better Mom. Yes, I believe that and feel it. I was not a terrible parent, but not great either. I was impatient. I distanced myself from them in the name of teaching them Independence. I am building up a load of guilt over this.

I speculate on what has made this change between children. Why am I more peaceful? Why is the baby more peaceful? What changed in two years? Perhaps the loss of Taylin made me appreciate a living child more than before. I suppose that with him being my last child, I am more apt to hold onto and appreciate the little things. And surely you cannot discount the personality factor. Dalton is beyond sweet, cuddly, adorable. A contrast quite stark from Everit who did not even crack a smile until he was 4 months. And from Ryan, who was quick to giggle but strictly on his own terms.

The problem I have is the first months for both Everit and Ryan are now a blur. I cannot recall all of those fine details that would answer my burning question. But even then, even if I could recall those moments in time? Would it give me solace? I hate the guilt. I feel like I really did them an injustice somehow. I don't want to spend my remaining years trying to make up for something I may or may not have done, though. I don't want to apologize to them for something they are not really lacking.

I need to find the answer to this question, or make peace with myself somehow. It is painful to carry this doubt. It's not a question of if I love one or the other MORE as my love is equal. But different, so utterly different.

I got all my herbs in! All kinds of new things to try! YAY!!  I got some new one's I had been eyeing... nettle, goats rue and even some Go lacta! So I am going to try a "new" herb per week, and cycle them in and out to see what, if anything changes about my supply.

I don't have enough Goats Rue I think to really get a good kick in, but I decided to take them anyway at 1x3 dosage.  Nettle is 2x3.  And taking the usual fenugreek 4x4, marshmallow root 3x4 and blessed thistle 3x4. And staying with the max dose of DPD at 4x4. I am going to stick with the Fenugreek and thistle and cycle out the marshmallow and nettle this weekend. Then Monday I will start with the Alfalfa, run that a week and see if there is any differences.

I started taking these Monday evening, so I am 2.5 days in to the new herbs. Yesterday Dalton ONLY had 2 supplement bottles! One around 6:30 am and one around 5:30 pm at 5 oz each. So only 10 oz supplement! This is 2oz less than the "norm." It could have easily been a fluke day though so I refuse to count my chickens.

This morning he took a 4 oz bottle like normal. I am really excited to see what he does today!

Oh, and an update on the attitude change.. working like a CHARM. Despite the fact I am still fighting off this cold I have really felt the difference. I have not looked at the clock in 3 nights, and I am really not missing it at all. I was up at 5:30 spry as ever. I am of course a little exhausted by evening time, but that is to be expected, all things considered.

So I have posted here and there about the sleeping troubles.... it has been a month since Dalton last slept through the night. Meaning, for four week he has been up nearly every hour on the hour. And he wants to nurse constantly... all night long. I was getting to the point that I was with Everit. Insane, angry, bitter. And I didn't want to be there anymore. So i was reading on of my favorite breastfeeding books and I am so glad I sought out the sleeping section. It reminded me of the following:

1. Babies don't sleep like adults.

2. I can and will function on little sleep.

3. When deciding to be a breastfeeding Mom I vowed to appreciate every good BF session. EVEN IF THEY ALL HAPPEN AT NIGHT.

4. The only thing that I can control is MY attitude towards it.

So last night I decided that there was to be no more resentment. I let go of my resentment and fear from when Everit was a baby. I let go of my current. I let go of it all and told myself to appreciate every quiet moment with my little baby boy. He is my last child. I will never again in my life have another opportunity to nurse a baby, to wake up with a baby, to be a Mommy to someone who needs me more than anything. And an amazing thing happened. I slept sounder than I have in months. Did he still wake up every hour? yup. And we nursed all night long. But I woke up refreshed and feeling fine.

What an amazing difference. Thank you Lord for showing me the way to that page in that book... it has changed my life for the better.

And so did I... I have totally abandoned this blog in lieu of the Omelet.  In my defense, there has been really nothing noteworthy going on in the breastfeeding department. Until yesterday that is!

Remember my posting about the kind stranger who took a chance on me and sent me the DPD? Well she contacted me again and has a few boxes for sale in addition to some herbs. She was kind enough to ask me first... and I am just SO thankful for her kindness. She is giving it all to me at a VERY fair price. Our financial situation is rather dire at the moment, so this is going to be the biggest blessing we have had in a while.

I have not had any herbs at all for almost a week. Not by choice, but by lack of option. My supply was doing remarkably well until last night when I noticed a sharp decline. I think they finally all left my system and I am just now taking the hit. Thankful today is payday and I can get back on the regimen again. But Dalton has not yet increased his supplement demands, so I am keeping the old supply above water (so to speak.)

With the cold Ryan gave me, and Dalton's all night nursing demands I am more tired than I want to admit. I am trying to stay on top of everything, but more often than not I am zoning out during the day. I feel sluggish and fat and all around crap-a-doodle. I know these nights won't last forever, but I am SO ready for a nice long stretch of good sleep. I am even considering maybe putting him in the pack and play next to the bed. Perhaps all of Andy and I's wiggling around is waking him up? I really do not know. I am trying SO hard to be patient and understanding... this attachment parenting thing is really all new to me.

Last night I had a cruel twist of fate... a migraine headache that set in around 8 o clock. I stayed up with Andy to watch a movie we had been dying to see (Grown Ups..it was hilarious!) and then got to bed by 10. My head was pounding pretty good by then. Well as luck would have it, Dalton was up at 11:30 and beyond. The pounding was SO bad... at 1 am ish I was in tears. Dalton let out an ear piercing scream and I just folded. I had Andy walk him around to keep him calm while I gathered myself to nurse. Thankfully by 3 am the pain was manageable. I HATE migraines. I am blessed that they are short in comparison to many, but I would rather not have them at all. I used to get maybe one a year? I think this is my 3rd this year so far. I hope that us a fluke and not an uptrend.

Here is to a productive as possible day with as many smiles as I can paint on!

Crossin' my fingers and sayin' a prayer! But so far NO THRUSH. The nipple pain was apparently from a crappy BF session we had. 

So I hit the official 6 week mark yesterday. And, I got to say the milk was abundant.. I feel like I did get that last little boost. I am out of herbs, but did manage to get a bottle of fenugreek thank goodness. And a whole dollar cheaper at the grocery store than at the Vitamin cottage... imagine that! 

I am also REALLY starting to toy with the idea of Goats Rue and Shatavari. I haven't got any money to buy just yet, but I am researching its safety with the DPD and it's possible effectiveness.

Ok boring post today.  Sorry bout that......  but I can MORE than make up for it with THIS:

MY NEWSEST BLOG!!  PUT IT IN AN OMELETTE!!!!  Click it baby! And allow your hottest, wildest omelet dreams come to the surface!  YAY!! 

huh.. I am not sure if we have it or not. I do not see any physical signs, yet I do have some nipple pain. BUT I think I can attribute that to a bad nap latch we had on Saturday... because today, so far there has been no pain at all?  I am gonna wait the day out and see. If I am sore again by the evening then I will treat it with the mighty purple happiness. Praying we do not have to!!

And this week I celebrate my 6th week on the domperidone. Bittersweet indeed. I am thankful for having this medication, yet very disappointed that I have reached the absolute peak of my supply, and it is in fact not 100% like I had hoped for. It is hard not to feel down about this. I am an optimist (I try to be, really really try.) But knowing that this is all I will ever make? Bummer. Major bummer. IN addition, we are FLAT BROKE yet again and I cannot even purchase more herbs which I will be running out of by 11 am. So there goes a little bit of my supply. And a little bit of my heart.

I keep thinking well, maybe its not the end? Maybe tomorrow I will wake up with an additional 8 oz in each breast!!  Maybe it is that little dream that has kept me going for this long. I am more than a little sad. I am very sad. I hold out hope for the introduction of the solids at 6 months, and pray that at that time we can be at 100%.

LONG drawn out sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........................