Im only a little crazy...

So, for a long time now I have been experiencing this strange phenomena... it does not happen every day, but more often than not I will glance at the clock at exactly 11:11. So I am curious naturally... and googled it. Turns out 11:11 is quite the popular thing! There were thousands of pages, blogs, etc...

Now I had to sort through all the numerology mumbo jumbo. I believe in numerology to a certain degree. The Bible is chock full of references and "coincidences" that are difficult to ignore. and blurry is the line between good and evil my friends. Well after reading a few I am more confused now than ever. Christians argue amongst themselves over the significance, quoting scripture after scripture, almost as if they are arguing with the Bible. Sheesh. And then there is the other extreme... the people who follow the stars, which the bible states is a no-no.

UGH. Whats a girl like me to do? I prayed about it, but I really felt foolish doing so. I have no idea what God wants me to think of it. Should it be something? should it not? And it ties into this crazy feeling I have had, that one I blogged about already. I took notice of the deaths in the entertainment industry... I find it all quite odd but cannot quite put my finger on why. People die every day, but I feel like I have been surrounded by it recently.

I am seeking something. I am unsettled. I feel the need to make a step forward, yet I haven't clue as to what direction. I feel closer to God than ever, I feel the call to do something! But I do not know what it is. I am a smart person, but not so great on picking up the subtle hints I guess.

Dear Lord,
You know me better than anyone. You know my path, and what it will take to make me follow it. I pray now Lord Jesus, that you shine a light for me, and help me through to the place I need to be. I am but a creature, dumb in nature. I KNOW I need to do something, I don't know what it is. Please walk with me Lord.
Amen

Today marks one month since we found out Taylin had passed... I am doing 3000 times better than I ever thought I would. I am truly at peace with her leaving us. Yes, its sad, and of course I would much rather be pregnant than not. But I am very ok with her passing, and know she is in the most beautiful place a person can be.

I wonder if I am not grieving properly sometimes. Like maybe I have buried this pain too deep, and am unable to feel anymore? But every time I search my soul, I just feel peace. A peace only a person who knows the Lord could know. My baby was not mine to have. She was Gods child, and God took her back. I am ok with this in every single way possible.

Now, since her passing I have noticed something. Every day I see a white butterfly. The day we buried her, there was one white butterfly hovering around her grave. It was there the entire time me and Andy were. We sat there for a long time, talking to her. When we got up, the butterfly flew away. When I go to her grave, there is always a white butterfly there. When I go outside, at least once a day, I see a white butterfly. I don't care if people think I am nuts...to me this is a sign that she is there, always with us in some way. Its so cliche, i know. But its somethign that brings me neverending joy and comfort.

Also, in the corner of my yard stands a rosebush that we pruned to death, lol. Its only one stem. Andy and I both noticed on the same day that there was one single rose on this one single stem on this quite unhealthy looking bush. a few days later, there was another beautiful blossom. Seeing as how Taylin is buried underneath a rosebush, Andy and I took so much comfort in seeing this tiny little stem produce two healthy flowers. To us, it is symbolic of Taylins life, our realtionship, and the possibilty of us concieving again. In fact, we both thought it meant we were gonna have twins! ;)

One month... one month of many. And little baby, we love you more every day. We will see you in Heaven! Oh, and I really hope that you and George the Bunny are having the time of your life up there!

So I have a TTC journal posted on another site CLICK ME that gives out the most details, but I thought I would give a brief update here as well:



Spotting has been MIA for a full 27 hours, yahoo! And I did get a test, and got a beautiful BFN (whoever thougth I would be typing those words together, lol!) So looks as if my body is doing what it should, and I am now waiting on my first PP AF. YEAAAAHOOOOEY!



Ryan has been giving us a neverending parental challenge... after much discussion with him and DH both, I think we have all found a common ground and will all be making an effort towards change!



Everit will be ONE in 10 days! OMG! Party planning is underway.



Thats it. Dont feel creative today, lol.

Like you were perched on the edge of something so enormous you could not even see the other side? I feel that way right now... like something is going to happen. Good, bad, crazy, I have no clue!! I cannot say if I am going to fly or fall at this point, but I am full of excitement and wonder right now. This is not meant to be any more mysterious as it sounds (as I am not currently harboring any secrets that would shake the earth, lol,) but I just have that feeling.... something is happening. Its coming, and its coming fast. My heart is beating faster right now even as I type this.

So many of my friends and family have been reaching out and going for their dreams... and I myself have embarked on some endevours as well. Maybe its all of it? Maybe there are about 500 wonderful blessings that are gonna pop all at once! I just don't know!!!

Wow, this is spooky and crazy and exciting all at once! Stay tuned, friends! This is gonna be big!

This was part of the message today, and the one that hit me the hardest. Especially hard, if you read this blog I wrote just a few days before: http://iamonlyalittlecrazy.blogspot.com/2009/06/anyone-notice.html

At all times, we need to keep our eye on God. And we don't. I definitely do not. I look back at him most times. Do what I do, walk away from Him because I know it's wrong, and then I force myself to look back and say, please forgive me. This is the wrong way.

Also, today, we became members of our church. I asked what my responsibilities were now that I was a member. The answer was simple and very poignant. SHARE THE GIFT THAT YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN. That gift, being salvation of course. How long have I held onto this, keeping it safe and sound like a little secret between me and God? A long long time. That is also, the wrong way. This gift, this immense blessing of Faith is not for mine to keep and covet. I need to share this. Looking back on Taylins story, which you can find here on my favorite place to be, pregnancy.org: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboards/showthread.php?t=521326

Reading through the responses that were received, I realized how her story reached others in a way I never thought it would. If even ONE person reading that looked away from themselves and towards God at that moment, then I have shared the best gift of all. And the beauty of it is, until today, I was completely unaware that may have happened! How easy was that, to share the Lord with someone? Surely, it can be as simple in real life!

I feel very convicted to do something, anything to get the word out that God is good. I have shed that fear of people looking down at me, or thinking me a fanatic or some crazy cult member. Heck, if this is a cult, then sign me up. I don't care what stigma this carries with it. I love the Lord, I love the blessings that I receive, and I would LOVE to share this with anyone who will listen. I don't know my scripture... I have never even fully read my bible... but in time I will learn the tools needed to spread the word effectively. And like Pastor said today, I need to take that leap of FAITH. I will NEVER get anywhere if I don't leave my circle of comfort.

Blog readers, I want to talk to you. About the Lord. Lets teach each other. Let me share my story, and I would love to hear yours.

Oh my swiffer, how I love thee...
You save my back and aching knee.
The mop is wet and heavy and soiled,
but with you, sweet swiffer, my efforts are not foiled.

Your pads have velcrow, your spray is effective.
You may be pricey, but I am objective.
I gladly exchange a few AA's, to ditch the old skool janitor ways.

I often dream of you in my hand,
Killing bacteria all over the land!
If I were not human, or you not a tool,
I am sure we would make prom court at school.

It is to you, valiant swiffer, that I give all my toils.
Dancing in my arms as you clean my spoils.
I am sure you come from the closet above...
straight from heaven to mop with love.

Much love Swiffer....

That the "Day 1" post was absent from my blog yesterday? That's right... I smoked. And I am sitting here right now watching the minutes tick away from my Grand Theft Auto Clock, practically pulling the carpet out with my toes, wondering when my husband will make it back here with a pack. Oh how weak I am. Lord forgive me for my weakness, and not believing in your strength to get me through this. I am truly a sinner. Please be with me, stay with me, keep working with me. I won't leave your side Lord, as you won't leave mine. But I may step away for a moment to have a puff.

So its the two week mark. Two weeks ago we found out our baby was dead. I read on a website (a damn good one actually, and here's the link for that: http://www.pregnancyloss.info/waitingforaf.htm ) that the two week mark is a peak for many woman who have suffered a loss. The worst of the worst as far as the grieving goes. And they were right. I was crying in my sleep. I woke up crying. All the thoughts I had managed to avoid since that day all flooded me. The what ifs. What would she have looked like, what would her voice sounded like. Would her hair be curly like her daddy's? So painful to even wonder. I know in my heart that we will see her again one day. But that feels like an eternity. It IS an eternity. I was pregnant two weeks ago. And today, if I were still pregnant, I would be feeling those kicks really strong. Maybe Andy would even be able to feel them from the outside by now. I would be bigger in the belly, looking awful cute with that beautiful glow. In a week, I would be going to my ultrasound to find out if she was a boy or a girl. I love being pregnant. I love feeling pregnant. I miss it. And, the spotting continues... each day is one day farther from being able to try again. I want to fill that void. Not to heal the pain, but to feel the joy again. To have something to look forward too.

Today is the first day that I really really really really want to be alone. Even watching Everit is hard. That little man that brings me daily joy with his accomplishments and goofiness, well today it just hurts to watch. Not because I don't love him, but because it makes me think of her, and what she would be doing 15 months from now.

Oh sweet angel... we love you so much. Mommy and Daddy miss you.

Smoking... I have been lit up like a forest fire since we lost Taylin. Before anyone reading this turns their nose up to me and my disgusting habit, let me say this:

I have beat addiction to Cocaine, Meth, Ecstasy, Weed, and any other illegal substance I could get my hands on. Not to mention my 14 year love affair with alcohol, which literally landed me on deaths doormat more than once in my life. I have overcome the party girl image that I tried so hard to create. I am now a wife and a mother. I am now MYSELF. The fact that smoking is the ONLY vice I have left in my arsenal I think lends to a bit of credit. Not to me of course, but to the Lord, who's love and mercy has helped me become a better person.

Now I am not condoning my habit, please do not misunderstand. It is horrible. Deadly, filthy, expensive, and quite redundant in all actuality. But its my cross to bear, and bear it I do. But I think its time I let go. I was able, with the help of Jesus of course, to shed the others quickly and forever. Granted, there was some horrible event that usually led to the end, but it ended just the same. Now it is time for me to put all my trust in Him, and let go.

I need to quit, for 1000 different reasons. I will let the Surgeon Generals' stance on smoking fill in most of the list... no need to beat the dead horse here. But I will list some more personal reasons:

1. My children. they do not need to grow up seeing their parents smoke. Not only does it make it "OK" for them to do (ack, please God no!) but it threatens their environment. (NOTE: we DO NOT smoke in the house, only outside, but still....)

2. My Grandchildren. I want to meet them. I want to play with them. I cannot even bear the thought of being hooked up to an Oxygen tank watching my grand kids play around me. I need to be there, for them and for me.

3. My Future Children. I know that I cannot blame myself for what happened to Taylin. It was something that no one could predict or control. YET, i know that smoking can and will lead to placental issues, which we assume is what caused her death. And the thought that my stupid habit may have had a hand in that, well it kills me. Every day it kills me. It will never ever ever stop killing me. And that alone should be enough to stop.

4. Financial. Prepare for a math lesson here... smokes are at $5 a pack here. At a pack a day, that's $35 a week. $140 a month. $1,680 a year. Double that to $3,360 a year because my husband smokes too. Ha. I feel sorry for us because we barely have grocery money, and depend on our parents to help us through the "hard times." Yeah... I can imagine we would be doing MUCH better if we were not spending that cash. And for once we could make our folks proud.

5. Emotional. If there is anything I have learned as an addict, its that the feeling of dependence on a substance, ANY substance, is the dirtiest feeling you can have. The point to recovering from addiction is to remove that dependence and replace it with true, raw emotion. Scary as hell, by the way. Addiction is controlling your emotions with a false reality. I don't want a false reality anymore. I want to live my life as it should be lived, feel all the emotions as they are meant to be felt (good and bad) and allow that Faith in the Lord to fill my life.

6. Spiritual. Its no mystery, the Bible is quite specific about addictions. Yes, we are all sinners. Yes, we will continue to sin until we die. But our goal as Christians, as Humans, is to make every day worth living and living for the Lord. Smoking is an addiction, a waste, a sin. As a Christian, I need to put my faith in the lord, not in a mind altering substance to get me through. THAT is the biggest Sin of all my friends. The Lord understands imbibing on the occasion... but very much frowns upon replacing our Faith in Him to get us though the hard stuff with a mind altering glutton filled addiction. Simple. Right?

So there are the reasons! And here are my excuses... lol... gotta be fair here!

1. My mood. I am deathly afraid of my mood. I am gonna be a hell cat on wheels. And inevitably, when we choose to let go of something as big as this, the Lord will test. He puts the heat on. Ans my stress level will most certainly go through the roof. All I am going to have is my faith. No blogging, chatting, chewing gum or carrot stick is gonna get me through this. Just Faith. The hardest thing to muster.

2. My weight. Do not snicker... its very true that most people who quit put on some pounds. I am already overweight. I struggle with it every single day. I have been losing so much this last few weeks, I feel so good about myself right now. I am terrified to put more back on (except of course, when I get pregnant again!) Especially being home, without a vehicle, in a house with children all day. Its a struggle for me to get motivated as it is. Without my crutch, well, its gonna be twice as hard.

3. My relationship. This may be the stupidest excuse ever. Andy and I are rock solid. But the naysayer in me says even the tiniest crack can destroy the biggest boulders. Now, my quitting drinking did not have any negative affects on us..and thankfully I was done with the other crap long before we met. But smoking is OURS. Our escape from the kids, our quiet time to chit chat and bond. Silly, but true. Stepping outside for a smoke is a ritual in every right. I am gonna miss that, and so will he. And I surely do not want to start nagging him for continuing. But I know me, and its gonna grate and grate hard.

4. The dreaded SOAPBOX. Cold hard fact... every non-smoker, whether from birth or otherwise, has jumped on that box and roasted every other person who lights up. Now, I am a light hearted soul for the most part. And I do consider myself very compassionate and understanding. Ha. The vanity will get me in the end though. I love to boast that I am not better than others... but that thought is there. Lurking.Waiting. Daily battle to suppress it. That's the reality.

So there you have it. I have a pack, and of course I am gonna smoke the shit out of it! But that's it. I am done. Tomorrow will be day 1 post... prepare for at least 28 days worth of crazy ranting, emotional breakdowns, and general stupidity!

Wow its been over a week already since the "day". Seems like forever really. Time has slowed down to a sad sad crawl. I want AF to get here, hurry up and get here again, so I can TTC the next baby! Hell, I just want to have sex. 6 weeks? Are you kidding me? Who on earth can go 6 weeks without some lovin'? Not I, says me! I am horny as hell. So is Andy. Ack.

Everit is teething like a madman. Its the eyeteeth about to break through. Poor little dude. He had a rough weekend with a teething fever and general ickiness. And of course his napping schedule is entirely out of wack now. Love him to death but when he goes off schedule during the day all hell breaks loose. I hope they pop out soon...like now. Now would be great!

Ryan has been so much better the last few days. Like I have my Son back, almost. Lord, please let this go one for a while. I need a break from the neverending defiance. I know, that somehow kids sense you are at your weakest moment, and Then they ATTACK! I haven't the strength to fight with him right now. I pray he continues on a better path.

Wow, im boring.

I need a hobby.

Oh, I have to say this though. Wow, have I lost weight! I don't own a scale, so I go by how I look and feel. I may be WAY off... but I feel at least 10-12 lbs lighter than I was pre-preg. My fat pants are loose! Not quite into my thin ones yet, but wow what a difference. I think I must have been retaining some serious water! I have been going like a mad woman too though. Just running around everywhere it seems, trying to stay busy and keep my mind elsewhere. Anyhoo, it feels nice. Hope to lose 10 more or so before I get PG again. That would be great! Maybe I won't look like a house by 8 weeks this time!

Ah the tooth monster screams... off I go. Good thing, I was boring myself to death... Can't even imagine how you, the reader feels. I bet you wish you had that time back, don't you? Well, I offer no refunds for lame blog posts. Sorry.

That really lifted my spirits. First was my Doctor YES! My actual doctor! Not his nurse or his front desk person. He was so kind... just asking how we were holding up, and apologized for everything we had to got through. i was amazed to say the least! And the good news is, he sees no reason why we couldn't try again after two cycles. I am not saying that I will be ready for that emotionally, but its great to know that my doctor has confidence that this was an isolated incident and that I am not broken. At least not physically.

The second call was my Dad. We talked for a long time. He is sending us some money, which we so desperately need right now!!! Its been so hard getting through this slow down time. We really depend on those commission checks to keep us above water, and when they are only $100 or less, well, we sink. Thank you to my Father and the Lord, for him opening his wallet and helping us out. I cannot wait until I am able to do the same for others. Believe me, when I have the money to give, I am GONNA GIVE!

And, some TMI, but its my blog so I can say what I want! I have not pooped since Friday. I am not happy about this AT ALL. Dulcolax and colon cleanser have not done anything at all... BUT this morning I did go a little, which I am so happy about. The last thing I need right now is constipation and hemmies flaring up! I am almost out of pain meds!

Yesterday was so freaking hard. I went on PG.ORG, and I just started balling the minute I opened the page. I had to close it. I will be back ladies, but right now it just wrenches my heart.

I also put away all of my maternity clothes. That started a 1.5 hour crying jag. That was almost as hard as burying her... I guess its the symbolism of it. That, and the fact that maternity wear is the ONLY clothing I have purchased for myself in the last 6 years, so my wardrobe is SAD SAD SAD. Shabby and out of date as can be. No wonder I never leave my house.

BUT the garage sale is getting bigger by the minute! I finally sat down and FORCED myself to get rid of more of Everits clothes, lol. I am such a nostalgic dweeb. I want to hang onto every little thing because I remember how cute he looked in it. Well, I did good. I kept quite a few still, things I could use for another baby (unisex stuff) and of course my absolute favorites. I pray this sale is a success and brings us the money we need!!!

I put all my maternity clothes away... overnight I lost my beautiful big belly. I miss it. I miss the little kicks. I miss feeling sick. I miss my big boobs. I miss my baby. She should be in my womb, growing and thriving and getting chubby. She should be with me.

So i am trying everything I can to stay occupied. I decided to have a garage sale and get rid of some clothes and books I just dont have room for. And toys...we have so many toys that the boys will never play with. Its not working. I just want to lay down and sleep.

I wish someone would take the kids and I could have a day or two to myself to cry. I want to cry without someone screaming at me that their toy is broken or their bottle is empty. I want to go away and come back when I am pregnant again.

Thursday I have and appointment to follow up. Maybe I will get the ok to TTC again. I doubt it. two or three cycles they will tell me. Oh man, what if I never get pregnant again? What if this is it for me? What if I lose another one? I hate this... make no mistake. I HATE THIS.