Im only a little crazy...

So Dalton dun got himself overtired this weekend. Last night was a little tough. He really didn't even nap yesterday, save for a few cat naps.

I have BF'd him most of the morning... and gave into 3 oz of formula because he just kept passing out from exhaustion, yet would startle awake starved, repeat repeat. So I topped him off, and he took only about 1.5 oz before he finally fell asleep. He has been down for around an hour now. Praying he takes a good one!

So I pumped because I felt full even after the morning BF-athon. 3 OZ!!  WOOHOOO!!  Thats alot for me if I am acutally putting him to the breast! I am really stoked on that... and a little depressed because....

this is my last full day of DPD, then I am out. I cannot order any until Friday. Which means another 2 weeks before it gets here. SO bummed, as I really really feel like it is working for me. My breasts look full and firm again, I am pumping and feeding and making that baby happy whenever he wants milk. Yes, we still supplement with the formula. But I am going to try (not KILL MYSELF) but try to get into a BF/pump cycle that allows me to supplement with EBM only. Wouldn't that rule? Of course, the next 2 weeks I will be pumping just keep my already meager supply above water. Damn i wish I had really thought that purchase out a little more. Ah well..

SO I figured out.. i am taking 100 mg per day and getting decent results. It is said you can take up to 140mg safely. I really wanna try taking that higher dose. If the 100 mg is doing this well, I may do even  better with more. I want to order a 2 month supply, so I am covered for another couple of paychecks.

140 mg day = 14 pills.

2 months= 8 weeks= 56 days.

56 days x 14 pills per day = 784 pills.

I will purchase the 900 pill package at $115

900 pills will get me an additional 116 pills.

116 pills / 14 per day = 8 more days of pills.

So, for $115 I will have a 64 day supply. No too bad actually. Come on Friday.

And because I am weird:

I spent $28 on 100 pills = $.28 per pill.

$.28 per pill x 900 = $252!!!  So yeah... Im gonna save a dollar or so buying bulk! Crap at that price I may have to buy even more, lol..

Before I jump on my soapbox,I would like to announce that we are NOW breastfeeding pain free! I honestly do not which medication (or both?) is working, but something is and I am forever grateful! No more seething pain, no more agonizing engorgement. I am letting down even more easily than I was before all this drama began! Yesterday evening I applied our final dose of GV to my breasts, and lefty decided It was time to let down LOL. I HAD to hand express into a bottle! There was no stopping her. Got about 1/2 oz just from that!  And Righty followed suit. Luckily I was able to snatch Dalton first and latch him on. Of course, it made purple disaster. I look like I got in a fight with a room of finger painting preschoolers. Its all good though! I would gladly be purple for the duration if it means my BF relationship is intact.  I will probably look into grapefruit seed extract and lechticin as well. Preventative care may be the ticket to keeping my ducts free and clear.

I may have some lofty opinions about BF. Not because I feel like I am an expert, lol. 9 weeks of pure BF hell has left me somewhat more educated, however I will not pretend i know more than the experts. But I am troubled by the advice that is given to mothers about BF. Specifically about their supply level and the things that can sabotage it. I do not argue the basics. Yes, you must BF (or pump) to make milk. Yes, it is supply and demand. Yes, most women DO make enough to satisfy their little ones.

I was reading something earlier this morning; a small bit of advice dolled out to an acquaintance. It really upset me. Basically the mom was worried she was not making enough (aren't we all?) and was just looking for support. She admitted to giving EBM a few times a day in a bottle. Then the advice came, and it to me it was so..ugh. "You may be losing your BF relationship" "Your supply will suffer greatly." It made my stomach turn. Here was a person who was OBVIOUSLY succeeding at BF, but a first time Mom and a bit nervous. She needed support, encouragement and a pat on the back. NOT some diatribe about losing her supply because she pumped off some milk to feed her baby at night.

 THERE IS NOT JUST ONE WAY TO BF YOUR CHILD. There are SO many variations. Some BF a little, some exclusively. Some pump, some bottle feed, some supplement. Bottom line, a Mother MUST find a groove that works for her and the baby. And it is not always going to fall into the lines of the "perfect" breastfeeding recipe.

Maybe because I have to supplement I am more lax on the issue? I just cannot stand to see these women being told at every corner and turn that their milk is gonna dry up if they miss a feeding. Or give a bottle. Or sleep for 5 hours. It's WRONG and in my opinion very bullying advice. For the last 9 weeks, I have had every single BF issue there is to have. And I have used a bottle, missed feedings, stopped BF'ing for days at a time, missed pumping opportunities, skipped BF'ing just CUZ I DIDN"T WANNA!  And well, I still have MILK!  And just as much  milk as I have had the entire time. Hell, even more now (that may be the DPD working though.)

So badly, I want to write a book or force women to read my blog. I want them to see that while those books do have the absolute scientific facts behind BF, there is nothing in those books that help a woman feel OK about their "own way." I spent the first month in an absolute panic thinking that if I even farted in the wrong direction I was gonna dry up and starve my child. I really really think this is the WRONG approach to encouraging breastfeeding. We should not be made to FEAR it. We should be taught to understand the things that can go wrong and how to remedy them. But not fear mongered. Breastfeeding should be approached with respect and knowledge but in a relaxed manner. Know that troubles may happen and if they do, HERE is your arsenal of information to help you through.

On the flip side of the coin that same advice makes it sound as if you just BF and BF and BF that is going to be the magic that makes your relationship flourish. It is made to be so simple... put the baby next your boob. Baby will magically latch on, eat till he's full and go to sleep. Repeat every 1.5 hours or so. HA!!! Its the answer to everything it seems. Again, not arguing the scientific facts of BF. But hell no it is not the way it goes for everyone. There are only 5,000,000 variations on how your BF relationship will go... and I really feel like that is misrepresented.

OK enough rambling on. In summary, DO NOT make women scared to BF. Encourage them to find their own rhythm. Remember that your BF relationship is unlike anyone Else's. No fear mongering about supply...seriously enough of that crap. This is not the 1800's, nor is it the plains of Africa. We DO have options, and they can and should be safely excercised if need be. ENCOURAGE ENCOURAGE ENCOURAGE. NO more fear people. NO MORE FEAR.

WE NURSED WE NURSED!!!  AYYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you Lord, thank you Jesus! Thank you to anyone and everyone who prayed! WE NURSED! Practically PAIN FREE!  I cannot believe it! And good nursing too... not just a few sad minutes... 20 minutes of pure BLISS!!  He was giggling! And smiling! And I was crying... only tears of JOY this time!

AYYAYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Purple is my color, apparently. I wear it well. According to Andy, the purple nips are "f*&*** HAWT. Like pasties."  LOL. See why I love this man so much?

It was not as bad as I thought it would be...but we didn't nurse yet either. I used olive oil on Daltons cheeks to help the staining and it worked! We were able to contain the purple to the mouth only.I think he looks adorable! Like a  little zombie baby! And what do we feed zombie babies???????

PURPLE MILK!!! Talk about the shock of a lifetime when I pumped last night, LOL!  It really is a beautiful hue. A little tough to get over the color, lol. I thought for sure he would reject it! But he chomped down OZ's and is now sleeping like teh un-dead!!!

I am very happy that I quit being stubborn and went to the doc. My breast hurts so bad still. This is more than thrush without any doubt. I am still engorged from last night. I cannot empty this breast to save my life... and it's making me extremely nervous. I keep pumping for short periods of time, 5-10 minutes. That's all i can really take, pain wise. I am getting little bits and little bits.... I am hoping, like yesterday and the day before, it finally releases the milk. Usually the 9 am pump lets it go. I hope so.

I have prayed over myself for healing. And if anyone who reads this has an extra moment to spare, I would really appreciate a healing prayer. I just feel like I have been hurting for months and months. I want to wake up NOT in pain. I wanna nurse my baby. I wanna walk my son to school. I need these things in my life. PLEASE LORD JESUS HEAL MY BODY!!!  Amen!

Well Doc has me on antibiotics, and MUCH to my surprise said to use the gentian violet. So, here we go. She suspects that it may be the clogged duct still clogged up, and that there may be an infection in there stopping it from going away. I concur, because I just pump and saw floaters in my milk... so I think she may be right on the money!

And PRAISE GOD... because that dingy lady yesterday at the pharmacy forgot to order the violet! And the other pharmacy I usually use was out. AND it was gonna cost me $16. Well when I went to get my AB's, the lady found a small bottle in the back and it was only $3!!!  YAY!  So I can hopefully get some relief SOON. I am going to do my first treatment after I get home from picking up Ryan from school. Not looking forward to being purple... but I cannot wait to nurse my baby again. I can't believe how much I miss it.

Oh and hello milk! I am pumping 2 oz almost every single time! How exciting! I may just have a chance at a decent supply after all... even if I have to wait another 3 weeks for another supply of DPD.


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Well this is it.. I am gonna go to my Doc's hopefully today. This pain won't subside no matter what I do. Maybe its more than thrush. I think it's time I admit that. I ordered Gentian Violet from the pharmacy yesterday so that should be here today sometime. I dunno. If it is mastitis, then I will be prescribed antibiotics, which will make me have even more yeast troubles than I already do. I will ask him if I can do the violet and the meds both. I am really hoping he will give me something for the pain. Ibuprofin doesn't touch it anymore. *sigh*  Please, someone tell me this is the last trouble we will have!!! 

The thing that torks me off the most I think, is that this all went down just after getting the DPD. So I have NO idea if this stuff is working because I am unable to efficently remove my milk, therefore sabotaging the whole process. I have considered just stopping and waiting until this is all over. Maybe I will do that. OR is it the one thing that has kept me from drying up? Nothing is ever easy for me.

How stupid am I? No really... I get the award today.

So the nipple pain has been EPIC ever since the plugged duct from last Thursday. And I kept making excuses for it... Oh its leftover pain, OH its his latch, OH its his tooth, OH its the new pump. BLAH BLAH. I have been barely able to nurse, and he really has not been able to keep his latch.

The other HUGE issue is that my letdown has really been, well, letting me down *snicker*  I kept blaming it on the pump, the pain, the engorgement, the bad latch, etc... Had a new excuse every single time. But I have never ever had a letdown issue, and it just seemed so out of place.

THRUSH you freaking idiot Joee, THRUSH. How many articles have I purused? How many books do I own? LAME. I have thrush, and I have it BAAAD. RED, flaky nipples, intense nipple and deep tissue pain, sharp shooting pain for an hour after feeding, no letdown, swollen unhappy boobs. DUH DUH DUH DUH. Dalton on the other hand has NO white patches whatsoever. Which is why I refused to believe it. AAAHHAA.

Nystatin! To the RESCUE! I think not. I am going to use it for the rest of the day, but after I pick up Squids from school I am going to get some gentian violet. I have read it really is the way to go, although the purple baby and purple nipples will be a bit akward.

FARK FARK FARK!!  I could have dealt with this a WEEK ago had i acutally paid some freaking attention!

*sigh*

ON a good note, Finally righty let down. I think the Nystatin must be something.

Totally OT and TMI, but my ass hurts... moving on...

I *think* me and my pump are starting to come to terms with each other. I am learning how to make it work for me, and in exchange, pump is doing its job of removing milk. It is still hesitant to take alot, BUT this morning even after BF I got 3 oz. Not too shabby... of course I had to work for it lol. And this may be the result of the DPD as well.

So I stand with two very frustrating issues at the moment (ok, three if you count these stupid hemmies!)

1. Daltons latch. Righty got sore from the that duct, and I am in a cycle I can't seem to escape from. Now its UBER painful to nurse again, which makes it hard for me to relax, which makes it hard for him to relax, and there you have it. Not so successful sessions at the moment. In addition to that, he decided to stay all cracked out yesterday and didn't nap for nearly 9 hours. And last night was not so great for sleep. So he is overtired and nippin'and nappin'. It kills my boobies. He needs a good 3 hour nap and to wake up fully hungry and awake. Tired Dalton has a killer latch!

2. Lefty. Dalton is all but refusing lefty now. I try every time, and he just pulls and tugs and fusses and cries and fusses and pulls and tugs. Now the girls have never been of equal size, no not even with implants. Lefty has always been sad and small and awkward (hence the reason I got the boobs in the first place!!!) But the size difference has now become painfully obvious. She keeps making milk though, despite being brutally rebuffed. Poor Lefty. Always been in second place.

Everyday, something new to stress over.

Oh and I am gonna do a pump/feed check in today. I wanna see if the DPD is making a difference at all. Today I will nurse and pump and see what's shakin'. I will also record his formula intake so I get an idea. Tomorrow I may do just a straight pump day..still not sure about that!

So here goes 9 am to 9 am (24 hour)

PUMPING OUTPUT (with nursing)

9 am   = 3 oz

10 am = 1.5 oz

1 pm  = .5 oz


FORMULA FEED

1:15 pm  3 oz formula, 1 oz EBM




BREASTFEED LENGTH (appx)

11:00 am 5 minutes (then 4.5 oz EBM)

12:00 10 minutes (8 for righty, 2 for lefty)