Im only a little crazy...

Holy Shit, really? 9 months since I put my feelings out on "paper" and let it fly. Wow. No wonder I needed to see the chiropractor. All that energy. No good for the soul. I should know better.


Well. I Suppose the best news is:  This is almost EXACTLY (1 day shy) of my NON SMOKING ANNIVERSARY!!!  That's right! WE actually quit. Have not puffed on a thing since. Amazing, right?



Even MORE amazing... is that Dalton and I are still a nursing pair. That, to me, is even more mind blowing than coughing up the smokes. HA!
I still drink though.

Oh. You didn't know that. Huh,

One sweet, amazing accomplishment at a time, right?

YAY!!  I am hosting a scentsy party this week! Just a one time, online party to help out my friend Jessica!  SO... if you need some more Scentsy smells, or you have never checked it out  before, GO NOW!!!  Click JOEE"S PARTY on the right there, and shop!

Of course, I would be happy to field any questions you have!

https://jessburford.scentsy.us/Home

Remember.. click JOEES PARTY!!!

This is gonna come as a shock to those of you who just started reading this blog. Some may even be a little put-off or upset by the contents of this post. But I need a place to write to get through this, and I am not gonna start another blog! I have too many already! So I ask those of you who read this not to judge... and if you have something to say let it please be supportive!

I am a smoker. Yup, a real honest to goodness (pretty close to) a pack a day smoker. I have been smoking for 15 years. This is my filthy secret...my dirty filthy secret. I have only once seriously considered quitting smoking (pregnancy aside, of course) and that was 2 years ago...and I didn't make it one day. Here is that blog post: http://iamonlyalittlecrazy.blogspot.com/2009/06/i-need-to-quit.html

Everything I wrote in that post still stands true and strong. Those are still the reasons I want to quit, those are still the excuses in my head about why I don't want to quit. I think it's kind of funny that 2 years later absolutely nothing has changed in that aspect, while my life has changed so very much.

So what is different about today? Why is it going to work this time? Because I have a partner to do this with, that's why! Yup, my Hubby cakes is quitting too. In fact, it was his idea. I know I don't talk about Andy much here, but let me tell you this: for Andrew to step up on something like this is similar to the President guaranteeing a veto on a bill. Once he has spoken, so it shall be. He is, if anything, a Man of his word.

I was taken aback by his suggestion. After all, we had blabbed on about this many times before, but still went and bought smokes. I am not sure what was different this time? Maybe the look in his eyes, or the fact that we had to borrow $100 to get through another week, only to spend $40 of it on smokes? I think the guilt of that weighed so very heavy on our minds. And when we started chatting about what we could do with the money that we were spending on the damn sticks, it started to become very very clear to us. We realized that if we quit smoking today, in one year from now we could take our whole family (yes, even the kids!) on a week long cruise... that includes flights, souvenirs, the works. Yes. We have have been spending a Cruise a year on that filthy habit.

All of this was a week ago yesterday. We had just bought a carton of 99's by accident. Funny, usually our shorter smokes would last us 5 days tops. This carton lasted us until last night at around 6 pm. We decided that at the end of that carton would be the end of our smoking career. I have been waffling all week long... scared, bummed, angry, sad. I have been mind-fucking myself big time. But when I took that last drag, I knew it was time. I closed my eyes for a second, I pictured  my beautiful baby boys, and I knew that I had to quit right then. That was 13 hours ago, and not a smoke one has passed my lips.

I have taken each craving one at a time. Get through it, distract myself, breathe. I know that these next 10 days will be rough. I am going to try my best to not replace with another bad habit, specifically eating. I already feel myself wanting to snack...

I think it is safe to say, judging by the random, unorganized approach to this blog post, that my brain is frying. Thankfully it is supposed to fry for only a short while.

... cuz' we have a lot of it around this house. After having Ryan home almost all week last week, the babies caught the bug. Everit and Dalton fevered over the weekend and were left with snotty noses. I thought that was the end of it when the fevers broke, but now Everit is having tummy issues that are NOT for the faint of heart... we are talking full on carpet soaking blowouts here.

So last night, after feeling awful all day and dealing with Everit's GI issues, we had a break in the fun and I took a breath and sighed relief. ONLY to find him crying in his room with another poo-splosion... as I was getting him to the bathroom to get cleaned up Ryan comes running in with blood POURING and I mean POURING out of his nose. Blood was everywhere... in the carpet, on the couch, on the kitchen floor, and all over him. Thankfully Andy took that task on. Once his bleeding stopped we got him in a shower to  get cleaned up as well. Between 4 pm and 8 pm that shower was on 5 times... just to give you a hint at the destruction.)  By 8:30 babies were in bed, Ryan was chillin' and I went to bed as well praying for a peaceful night... fast forward to 11:30 pm.>>>>>>>>>>

Baby wakes up to nurse. His nose is so stuffy he can't stay latched on, so he pops on and off over and over until 2:30 am, when Everit ibegins screaming from his room. I fly out of bed, only to find him puking all over his floor. Get him cleaned up and get everything into the washing machine when I discover I am SO out of laundry soap its not funny. I pour water into all the empty containers and swish and pray I had enough to wash the smell out. Get Everit back to bed with the "fake" snuff. He wakes up at least 4 more times, thankfully Andy got up and did that call of duty as Dalton was back to trying to nurse again. I didn't fall  back asleep until 4, and it was a rough sleep at that. Fast forward to 6 am....

Everit is moaning in his room, bent over. He has the big D (don't mean Dallas!), AGAIN. Ryan runs from the bathroom holding his ear because it is killing him. Andy is in the bed making sure Dalton doesn't roll out. I shower Everit, get him on the bed cuddled up and warm... run to Ryan and give him eardrops hoping it will stop his pain. He is really really hurting, I can tell by his face. I run back to get Everit dressed. Somewhere in there I manage to make a pot of coffee. Get the babies to the living room, Ryan back in his room to get some rest, grab some coffee.

Its 8:30 now... Everit has had two more D incidents, and he is cramping when it happens now... crying and bent over. It is SO sad, I can't help him. I am trying to get him to drink as much as possible but as normal per kid, they don't wanna drink when they don't feel good.

My Grandma called and offered to help today... I DO need laundry soap, Pedialyte and wipes. So I think I may call them now and see if they can bring some stuff to the house. I will owe them big time, but I know I don't want to drag my babies out in 2 degree weather.

If you got the time, say a prayer for us. It's one heck of a day.

That's my excuse anyway, for not working out the last 5 days. I haven't even weighed in, although my waist measurement stayed exactly the same which tell me I have lost little to nothing. I have been quite diligent about my calories and my fat, coming in under the fat limit every single day... I guess I should bit the bullet and weigh myself in.

So I have tried different calorie levels on different days to see what my hunger level is at, how I feel, etc... I know I cannot just drop to 1500 and call it groovy.. I need to be careful to keep my body from holding onto the fat it doesn't need in a moment of panic. I have found that the 1800 calorie days keep me full, happy and feeling optimal. Anything less and I am hungry and feeling run down and overtired. BUT, as it appears at this moment in time, 1800 calorie days are not helping me at all. Crap. I am very close to ditching this weight loss thing until I can get off the meds and wean this little man. Not because I can't handle it, but because I think my body is rebelling against it.

AND to top of my frustration, I threw up this morning for no apparent reason. I feel very very tired and weak and icky... so it looks like the virus that all my babies shared has finally hit me...and I get the stomach version. Thanks kids!

I will post tomorrow about my weight loss/gain and what I decide to do about it. I am not giving up, but it just may not be the right thing to do right now, right? I am not sure.

Oooh am I ever sore. A good sore. I feel it in my legs mostly, but in my arms too. And I noticed that I did not have the same hip and back pain I usually wake up with every morning. Feeeel the burn!

I came in just under 1800 calories yesterday, and also managed to keep my fat within range as well. I am a little nervous about cutting back so fast but I just don't have the variety of foods in the house to jump the calories without the fat involved. I guess time will tell what this may do to my supply. I am going to shoot for 2000 today, by planning a little more ahead. I was really surprised by how NOT hungry I was yesterday. For so long I have loaded up on huge breakfasts, snacked until dinnertime and scarfed again. I guess there is something to the "eat small meals" idea. I never thought I could do it, but here I am no worse for the wear!

I would like to reiterate, to myself and to others that I am not dieting... I am not making irrational food choices, replacing any meals with liquids, swallowing pills or even shaking powder on my food. I am changing my entire lifestyle. Right now it is about calorie counting and measuring portions because I need to learn what a real serving size is. I need to understand the difference between a chicken nugget and a real chicken breast. What I used to consider a normal size salad I realize now could have been an entire meal in itself. I need to educate myself on what healthy choices are, how to choose them, how to control my food intake. This is not going to be my "thing" this is going to be my LIFE. I don't plan on ending this when I have lost my weight... I plan on doing this for the duration. I am not getting any younger and my body is not going to bounce back on it's own anymore. This will require discipline from me. I must rebel against by gluttonous, overindulging nature. I hope to make it a habit and never again give it a second thought.

And on a final thought... for the first time in my life I am losing weight for me.  My Andrew loves me just the way I am, and could care less if I lost 50 or stayed right where I was. I not only believe those words from his mouth, I feel those words through his love. I am loved, supported and have the best cheerleaders in the world.

I CAN DO THIS.

I CAN DO THIS.

I CAN DO THIS.

I managed to just eek in under 2100 calories yesterday! GO ME! And I am at only 1100 today, figuring in dinner. So here is something very odd... I am NOT hungry! I have not only calories to spare, but fat as well! My sodium was way down too. Wow... and it wasn't hard or unpleasant!

I CAN DO THIS!!!

30 minutes on Wii Fit! Did running for 10 minutes, boxing, hula hoop, rythmn kung fu and boxing. LOVE the running!

OH and I will have Andy take a "Biggest loser" style pic of me tonight, and I will post here on the blog... and maybe one every 2 weeks or so? 

I CAN DO THIS!!!!

Got a workout in! WOW! What a difference in my attitude. NOTE TO SELF: YOU FEEL GOOD WHEN YOU WORK OUT. YOU FEEL LOUSY WHEN YOU DON'T!

I ate light today, burned off about 196 calories in the 30 minutes I worked out. Here is a surprise... I really enjoyed the running part. REALLY? ME? RUNNING? Yeah, I mean you just run in place, but I liked it. I liked the burn. Boxing is still my favorite aerobic activity so far. I like the Hula but I am kind of all over the place still and it hurts my back a little. Yoga feels AMAZING.

I deleted my stats on the Wii and started over again today. I changed my weight loss goal to 25 lbs in 6 months from now, which is the end of July. That's 1.6 lbs per week, which may be a bit high so I may readjust later. I thought why not set high, and see what I can do.

Stats: 207 lbs (ouch)

BMI: 33.3 (holy ouch)

Waist: 47 in. (at the belly button... not sure if that is the right place to measure or not, but as long as I am consistent in where I measure I am sure that will be good enough. )

Arms: 13.5 in. (left) 13 in. (right)

Thighs:  20.5 in. each

Bust: 41.5 (measuring under breasts, obviously. They change by the hour!)

I have consumed about 1100 calories so far today. Shooting for 2000-2100.


I am going to do this. I stuck with breastfeeding, and that was 500000x harder than this is going to be. If I can beat all the odds and still breastfeed my baby at nearly 7 months (and beyond) then YES I can lose some damn weight.

I have not been so diligent with the weight loss.

It's been 8 days since I even turned the Wii Fit on.

I have been eating like a lumberjack.

I know for a fact that I have gained, rather than lost.

I am using breastfeeding as an excuse not to make an effort.

Money is still tight and healthy food is still scarce.

I am afraid to move forward.

I am jealous over my friend, who is doing amazing.

I am fighting my own indulgent nature.

I am finding it near impossible to motivate myself.

This medication (domperidone) is really wreaking havoc with me. My hunger is ever-present. I just do not feel like cutting portions is even an option for me right now. I am not eating all day long, but when I do eat it's SO much. Too much. I am actually embarrassed to use my Wii because it's going to yell at me for not working out. I LIKE working out, it's a DAMN computer program! Why am I afraid?

And, I was doing some more research on the calorie requirements for breastfeeding mothers. There seems to be a running theme that 2300 calories per day is the minimum before milk supply is affected. However, reading my Low supply book (which I love) they stated that an overweight breastfeeding Mom can consume as little as 1800 calories per day and not have any affect whatsoever. The key being, not dropping it all of a sudden. So let's say for arguments sake I have been taking in around 2500 calories per day. If I were to Suddenly cut 700 calories my body would go into panic mode and start cutting back production. Not to mention the mental aspect of "imagined starvation", which would probably be more detrimental. The DPD is constantly emptying my stomach causing me to feel more hungry more often. Another reason that cutting back in a sudden swoop would just be ridiculous for me.

I need to take a slow and controlled approach at cutting back calories. And I think it goes without saying that I also need to start replacing many of my calories with some "good" calories, as I take in entirely too much fat and salt. How to do this though? On the surface the answer seems very simple... eat good wholesome food, eat less of it, LA! You are done! It's not that simple for me, as I not only am fighting the meds but fighting a house full of picky boys that live on Mac and Cheese and hamburger. My grocery budget only goes so far, and the boys come first no matter what.

My mantra MUST be this... SLOW controlled weight loss. Small steps to the big goal. Measure success in inches, not pounds. It took me 3 years to pack on these pounds, and they are not going anywhere quickly. Prayer, lots of prayer. God will help me with this.

He has fists of fury, this little one. He has always been grabby, but being the size (and carrying the strength) of a one year old it is really starting to hurt. I was woken up at 4:30 this morning by being pinched and scratched. I am tired, and a little on the grumpy side. When he started in this morning I firmly put his arm down and told him NO! Which started a heartbreaking crying session. He calmed down and we nursed some more, until he started in again. I repeated the discipline which caused another upset cry that forced us up out of bed. I could tell he was more upset than anything... like I broke his little heart. Broke my heart too. But he has to know that what he is doing is wrong. How do you tell that to a 6 month old?

His arms and hands seem to have a mind of their own when he nurses. He is constantly flipping them around and grabbing at my shirt, my skin, whatever is in the path. He likes to pull on my lips and poke my eyes. I feel like he is trying to rip my face off. I realize he is not trying to hurt me, but it hurts none the less. During the day I can easily keep them occupied by playing with him, giving him a toy, a blankie, anything to keep his paws occupied. But at night, oh man does it get bad. Binding his arms does not work. Socks and mittens may stop the scratching but it doesn't help the pinch. He is not a swaddle friendly baby.

I enjoy nursing at night because it relaxes me, and it keeps my supply nice and full. I enjoy snuggling him and smelling him and loving on him. While I would like a little more sleeping freedom, I don't feel ready to end co-sleeping. But if this continues I am going to have to bring it to a halt.

We HAVE begun familiarizing him with his bed (the pack n play) in our room. He sleeps there from bedtime to around 11 pm when he wakes up and he settles into bed with us. He nurses on and off until we are up for the day, usually around 6 am. We really do not have an ultimate plan for getting him to sleep on his own, as this breastfeeding, co sleeping thing is rather foreign to us. My other babies slept with me, but were in their own cribs by this time.

I am gonna call this morning a fluke... he did only take ONE supplement bottle yesterday, so it is possible that  he was just a little extra hungry and the boob was not giving him enough causing him some frustration. He sucked down 4 oz this morning as if it were going out of style. BUT, if those fists don't stop flying he is going to be sleeping alone from now on! I can handle most anything, but not getting injured in the wee hours of the morning.

Any advice from a Mom who has it, I would appreciate hearing it!

For the first time in 6 months (yes, his whole life) we did not do the usual morning bottle of formula. He nursed instead. He has been awake for 2 hours, nursed twice and is not at all fussing or indicating hunger in any way. I always post about these little miracles and they end up being a fluke, lol. But WOW what a fluke it is! For a Mom who wants  nothing more than to EBF, one less bottle a day makes me feel like a superstar!

And I thought I should talk about his solids intake. We started him a few days before he turned 5 months... totally baby led feeding. He was READY. I appreciate what the breastfeeding experts have to say about early solids, but they simply cannot account for the individual infant. Dalton showed all signs of readiness (lunging at our food, grabbing off of our plates, starting us down during dinner time, etc...) When we introduced them he took to it like he had been doing it for years. To date I have never even seen him gag. Now, at 6 months he is eating solids twice a day, and will take an entire tub of puree or 1/2 oatmeal 1/2 puree... works out to about 1/2 cup at each sitting. I do as much fresh food as possible, making my own food when I can and giving him Gerber when I can't. So far the only thing he has refused is green beans, lol. And MAN did he refuse them. The look on his face made it seem he had chomped down on an un-ripe lemon!

So far (other than this morning) I have seen NO reduction in his fluid intake. He still nurses every 2 hours, still takes his 3 (4 oz) supplement bottles per day and nurses through the majority of the night. In no way have the solids changed his patterns... they just kinda wiggled their way in there. In fact, since starting on solids his bowel movements have increased and improved (he is struggling waaay lesss.)

So... once again we have beaten the odds! My baby is a nurser, a bottle eater, and now a solid eater. I still have milk, I still have not started my period (indicating my lactation is still at full steam) and no one is worse for the wear.  Moral of this story is: let your baby lead the way. He knows what's up!

So in an effort to shake off this enormous DPD appetite I did some research and found that fennel has been successful for some ladies, and it could have a positive affect on your supply. So I shelled out the $8 and gave it a whirl. FAIL. Just like the marshmallow root it took my supply down in only 3 days. 3 days??? Dang. The pisser is I was starting to notice the positive appetite affects it had promised. So fat and sassy I shall remain until July 2011. I have an almost full bottle of fennel up for grabs... if anyone would like it I will ship it to you, free of charge!

In other news:  I am severely paranoid about being pregnant. SEVERELY PARANOID. It is common after pregnancy to get those "phantom kicks" in your uterus area, I have had them with all my babies. But they usually subside by 2 months post partum. 6 months later, I am still having them and frequently. Now, the chances of me being pregnant are SO slim... and I mean S L I M. I had a tubal ligation directly after Dalton was delivered. I am breastfeeding (technically its NOT exclusive because he gets supplement, but my breasts don't know that! He still nurses every 2 hours.) I have not yet had a period. I show no signs of ovulation. **warning, run-on sentence ahead!** My breasts are not sore, I am not gaining weight, my gums are not bleeding, my wrists are not writhing in pain from pregnancy induced carpal tunnel, I am no more hungry than normal, I am not craving olives, my sciatic nerve is in an great mood, I do not feel any less energy than normal, I do not have insomnia, my milk supply is intact, I have not tried to strangle my family, I am not crying when I watch Dora, my nose is not stuffy, I can see as poorly as I did before and my hemorrhoids are no worse than usual.

BUT the dreams.. OH the dreams. At least twice a week I dream I am pregnant and/or having a baby. Two weeks ago I gave birth to twin girls (and I had two vagina's, go figure!) Last week I had another baby boy and via VBAC. Last night I discovered I was about 5 months along, and my doctor forgot to tell me what we were having. I went back to his office to see him again to get the results and I woke up just before he could tell me.

I have had numerous pregnancy tests in my hands at the store... and I put them down in complete denial that this is even a remote possibility. I even asked me Doc at Dalton's 6 month appointment about the kicks... he grinned sheepishly and said "Oh, wow. Those really should have subsided by now!" He asked about my cycle which I let him know was still non-existent. Another Sheepish grin. and then he says: "yeah your chances are very slim Joee.. very very slim." Followed by the final sheepish grin. I am sure my eyes were as big as saucers. Maybe I should make him give me the pregnancy test, so I can strangle him directly if it is positive?

Yeah, another pregnancy would be devastating to say the least. I would LOVE another baby don't get me wrong... but we cannot afford any more children. NOR do I have any desire whatsoever to ever EVER darken the doorstep of pregnancy again. I am not a good pregnant person. I do not enjoy pregnancy. Andy would leave me for sure. Hell, my kids would probably leave too.

Paranoia BE DAMNED!!!

Weight Loss!  YES!  This blog has seen it all! 

I hate going back and reading all the posts on here. It has always been more of a journal than I wanted it to be. But, I have to accept it for what it is. Maybe I can start (yet) another blog one day to reflect my humor one day. For now, I am only a little crazy enough to have 2 blogs. A bit ironic, isn't it? One blog reflecting weight loss and another reflecting gourmet food. Contradiction at it's finest!

So I got a Wii Fit for Christmas, cuz I was a good girl this year (thank you Santa!) I have done 3 days straight and I can't believe I am saying this but I ACTUALLY ENJOY IT. Yes, I am uncoordinated, out of shape and downright sad to watch. I bet it looks more like an episode of Mad TV than a workout routine. But I am feeling the burn in all the right places and breaking a sweat so that's what counts!

I have been losing .2 lbs per day! Which means by Friday I will have lost one pound! ONE POUND!  It doesn't seem like a whole lot until you put it into perspective... look at a pound of hamburger in the store... or a bottle of water... a bunch of bananas....  see??? That's what I removed from my body. A little more significant now, right? And to think I only have to do that 50 more times! A goal that in my mind seems very reasonable and absolutely attainable.

Goals you say? YES!  Here are my goals:

I am giving myself until December, 2011 to lose 50 lbs. My goal weight is 145-155 and somewhere in there will leave me looking healthy and feeling good. "Experts" say I need to be in the 130's to 140's, but I have been there before and felt too thin.  I prefer a softer more healthy look. That's my choice and I will be well within "healthy range."

I am giving myself until June, 2011 to lose 15 of those pounds. Why not half? Because the domperidone is going to fight me every step of the way. It is a stomach medication, a stimulant for your digestive system. It also raises your prolactin levels (hence its milk making power.) Prolactin will keep an extra 10-15 lbs on you to continue to make milk... it's what our bodies do and you really cannot stop that from happening. the stimulant part constantly empties my stomach making my appetite voracious at best. It's more than a "eating just because" issue. Your tummy growls, you are actually truly hungry. If I were fighting just habit it would be a little easier, but physical hunger is harder to ignore. Until I am off the DPD I will be pleased with just a small amount of loss. I plan on going off the medication in July, 2011 when Dalton turns a year. I may not wean, but I won't do the meds or herbs anymore. Since I have such a low supply without it, i am sure weaning will happen shortly thereafter and I will have my body back my August or September.  From what I have read of other ladies' experiences the extra pounds easily melted off after they stopped the medication and the breastfeeding. Fingers crossed I experience the same thing.

Diet is not something I am too terribly concerned with, meaning I won't be crash dieting, detoxing, calorie counting or anything else life-intrusive. What i WILL be doing is making as many smart food choices as I can, when I can. I won't throw myself under the bus for eating a handful of chips or candy. I won't freak out if I ate bread with my dinner. I will control my portions to the best of my ability and eat as fresh as my budget will allow. I won't be perfect every day, and if I have a day I just need to NOMS then I will. End of story.

Fitness goals are simple... do enough every day to lose weight and tone my body. i am not trying to look like Jillian Michaels. I want a nice, soft, reasonably thin shape. Not asking for too much there! and I want it to become part of my life, a normal integral part like brushing my teeth. so I plan on finding my stride and keeping with it. I have NO idea where this path will take me, but I have an open mind!

I am very excited to be done with child bearing, almost done with nursing (even though I will miss that part alot) and having my body back as my very own again. Closing a long and wonderful chapter and opening a brand new one!

No, I couldn't really think of a more clever title for this post. Like most people I have set goals for this year, as well as things I plan on avoiding. In no particular order, here is what I would like for my life in this coming year:

More positive thinking.
More Prayer.
Recognizing my Family's birthdays and anniversary's with cards (and watching them all fall over in shock)
More Patience, particularly with my Boys.
Spend more "alone" time with my Husband.
Weight loss... 25+ lbs by June and 50+ lbs by December.
Be more active and more playful with my Boys.
Supplement Andrews income somehow part time work (OR working from home)
Settle my personal debt.
Get our "marriage" finalized and change my last name.
Get my Colorado Drivers License. (seriously!!  DO THIS!)
Get to California to see my family.
Try some new recipes (try not to kill my family in the process).
Take some occasional ME time.
Less time on Facebook.
Blog at least once a day one of my blogs.
Return the kindness I have been shown.


Things I WONT be doing in 2011:

Getting pregnant.
Having a Baby.
Getting pregnant.
Having a baby.
Getting pregnant.
Overeating.... only occasionaly.


There you have my lofty goals. Acutally I was quite pleased with 2010 and the person I was. When not pregnant I think I am an OK kinda gal, or at least I try. If I just wake up and try to be the best person I can that day and forgive my occasional bad moment this year should work out just fine!