Im only a little crazy...

FOR BREASTFEEDING!  Pervs!!!
Aahhaa!

So now that he his less floppy, and well HUGE! Weighing in at 14 lbs 10 oz! I have been trying new positions with him. And we are finding great success with this. I am able to get him into the cradle hold now for both breasts, and the coolest part is that at least on Lefty, he can now latch himself on!!!  Righty is still a bit of a challenge as it is so much rounder, but he is doing really great. Now that I can pull him closer to me I find he stays latched longer as well. Still pops off especially when he dozes, but his session have become longer overall!

I also noticed something that I had not before...I am no longer watching the clock. I don't know when that stopped really.. I just latch him on, let him go until he shows signs of being done, or just passes out completely. I also am not paying attention to how much supplement he gets. Some days it's alot, some days its a little. We really just kind of go with the flow now.

Nighttime feeds are getting a TINY but easier. He still has that funky latch at night (honestly that is the strangest thing) but we are working on it. Last night he did a 7 hour stretch! OMG! My boobs were SCREAMING at me! That's what woke we up at 4, and I woke him up to eat! He took both breasts, got em fairly empty, and passed out until 6:30. Took most of righty, fell asleep again. Fed him again at 7:30, emptied both and took 3 oz of formula. Its noon now, and he has only had Righty at the docs office after he got his shots. Hes still passed out. Of course, that was one helluva ordeal for him. He barely cried though!

I had doc check for tongue tie (just to be sure) he said, nope he's fine. He agreed he has a tight upper frenulem, but is confident that as he grows it will only get easier for both of us. He was proud that despite all the troubles we are still at it!

I am planning on posting a 2 month milestone ticker on the ORG on Thursday... I don't know if I am allowed as we are not EBF... but I don't care. Its a HUGE deal for me and I wanna brag at least a little!

Tired. Ugh. Long night with the tiny. I don't know if it was because he took a late nap, or is going through a growth spurt or what, be he had me up every hour on the hour last night. We got one 3 hour stretch, from 9 to midnight. But I didn't get to bed till 10, so it was a mere 2hours for me. Blech.

Anyhoo, nothing much changed on the BF front. It is still a struggle, he is still not satisfied from me, and that's that. I have decided to have Doc check for tongue tie tomorrow at his 2 month appointment. I know he has the tight upper frenulum, but perhaps more anatomical issues as well. Reading my Low Milk Supply book it sounds like he may also have a high pallet, which isn't any trouble in real life, but makes it hard to stay latched. I hope there is something that can be done. At this point, even if the dopmeridone works, what good is a full supply if your baby cannot stay latched long enough to take it? And no, that damn medicine hasn't gotten here yet :(

So yeah, I need to get back to pumping. I know I  keep saying that lol... but I haven't managed to do it yet. Its just such a hectic timing issue. Because Dalton has NO predictable daytime sleep OR eating schedule, I have no way of knowing when is a "safe" time to pump. Not to mention, the 3,000,000 other things I have to do in a day. I can feed him till hes full, he will fall asleep, and he may be up in 2 hours, or 2 minutes. I never know. And he can take 4 oz of formula and BF, and It can be less than an hour before he's screaming for more food. I don't give him formula unless he has at least attempted to BF first. He always gets milk from me... I just have no way of knowing how much. Nor do I know if he is really hungry afterwards, or just being a fuss. Even after 2 months he's a bit difficult to read when it comes to hunger signs. So, trying to throw a pump in can be very tough.

I think what I may do is pick 2 consecutive days...if I can find them, and pump my brains out with power pumping. I need to get my WIC checks first though so I have ample formula on hand. I only have 1/2 can that HAS to last until Wednesday or we are screwed. I don't dare try to pump and BF just yet... as it takes my breasts about 12 hours to adjust to pumping. And I really do not know how low my supply has gone these last 2 weeks. I can't take the chance of running out of food for my little guy.

At least on Thursday we can celebrate 2 months of breastfeeding!!!  Not full, wonderful, breastfeeding. Hard, frustrating, heartbreaking, mind numbing breastfeeding. But we are still at it. And every single day he has received my milk. Every single day. Go me.

I wish that I could say he was Exclusively breastfeed. I want to say that, but still, no. Now, I haven't pumped in about 36 hours. I just keep putting him to the breast. Whether or not this is gonna kill my supply I guess we just won't know. But he seems to be emptying my breasts well, as long as I am getting him on every 1- 1/2 hours or so.

He is back to his 6 hour stretch at night again. Which means he goes down around 9, and not a peep until about 3 am. Its LOVELY to sleep like that but there is a catch to it. The 3 am feed never goes well. For whatever reason, at this hour he completely forgets how to latch on, and just makes a huge mess of it all. Its not an engorgement issue, as I do not get that swollen any more. Usually we fight it for a good 20 minutes before he finally realizes whats going on, and then he eats. It has been VERY difficult for me not to cave and give him a bottle and just pump. But I have been persevering. This is the only time he can eat from my breast and actually get full... I want him to know that feeling of being full from the breast so he begins to trust it again.

Which brings me to my next idea: I think I may start doing his supplement BEFORE we BF, and here is why... I was reading in my Low Milk Supply book that it can help the baby gain confidence at the breast. After a while he will understand that MOMMY is making him full and happy, not the bottle. This can be especially effective for kiddos like Dalton who tend to pass out on the breast quickly and never finish a feed. I *think* that he has come to understand that if I just suck on Mom for a bit and make her happy I will get my baba and I can feel full. Well, I aim to change that if at all possible. While I realize I may not have a full supply, I know that I have MORE to offer than what he (or the pump) takes.

I still cannot believe that at 7 weeks (today!) it is still such a huge battle for us. I really looked at the 6 week mark as the moment of reckoning... and it was not. I am now setting my new goal for 12 weeks.. 12 weeks and Lord help me if he hasn't caught on by then? well, it just may not be worth it anymore. But I have said that before, haven't I??

So this walking is nice. Yes yes, there are little aches and pains like my hemmies (freaking ouch) and the back of my heels (raw) and my shins (splinted) and my hips (how fucking old am I anyway?) BUT all in all its very nice to excerise again. And I realized that it has been since I left California over 6 years ago that I have engaged in any sort of aerobic activity. So I got 6 years of unused sloth muscles to overcome. Not to mention carrying around the extra 50 lbs which tend to slow me down just the tiniest bit.

SO I have been SO bad about pumping. I really think my supply is feeling the hit. When we are BF'ing good I hate to pump because he really prefers a full breast. I need to SOMEHOW convince myself of the truth, which is I WILL make enough milk to feed him at least something, and pumping can only do good rather than harm. I hate the pump. And I make any excuse I can not to get near it. And ironically, I also hate to BF ALL day because I never get a thing done. And again, will use the formula as a crutch. I am my own worst enemy now lol. I sabotage myself.

And in the back of my mind, I keep hailing this stupid domperidone as my possible saving grace, because after all, if I have LOTS of milk I can both PUMP and BF and never have to worry, right? RIGHT. *sigh*

It doesn't matter. We hit the 6 week mark, we are still breastfeeding no matter how little or much it may be. And we did it.

I am enjoying the relaxation of just feeding him the way I know best. Sometimes its the boob, sometimes its the bottle, sometimes its both. He is NOT lacking in nutrition in any way, and damnit thats the best I can do!

I was very naughty and didn't pump last night. So this morning around 5 when he woke up for his second feed (he was sleepy last night!) I was not as full as I expected to be. I am not sure if it is because I was lazy about pumping this weekend, OR if I am reaching that point that I am not going to feel that engorgement any longer. Either way, it was a bit unnerving. But he ate and ate and ate. And then took another 2 oz of formula. I was a bit frustrated cuz he really fed well from both breasts, but I figured he was extra hungry from sleeping so long. BUT then at 6:30 he was fussing again, and spit up at least the 2 oz I fed him, lol. So I felt a little better! NOT that he spit up, but that he obviously got overfull and he would have been content from my milk had I just let it ride (will i ever learn?) I know he must have done well, because I only got about and ounce when I pumped afterwards. And most of that was from Lefty, who never wants to give up the milk anyway.

The domperidone shipped on Saturday from New Zealand... well according to the email anyway. It says 7-14 days to arrive and I am really hoping its on the lesser end of the estimate. I am very curious to see what this stuff can do for us. I must really be thinking about it, because I dreamed last night I had a rich MIL (some random person, lol) that bought me like $1500 worth of the stuff, lol! The dream was weirder than I care to remember. But that part was cool. I only ordered 100 pills, which will last a mere 10 days if I take 90 mg a day. So I have about 3 days to decide if its working/worth it and need to order more so I don't have a lapse in my schedule. Sure hope it lets me know straight away!


2:00 pm

I think he may done with another growth spurt. He was chomping down 4 oz or so every 2-3 hours (or less) and since this morning has only BF'd (3 times) and got one 4 oz bottle of BM/formula mixed! Hmmm... so either hes not hungry, or we have magically crossed over to "I make enough to feed my Babysville." Huh. Hmmm... ????

Wow what a great BF day! The pain is G O N E. And he is latching like a little vampire! Still not staying awake very long, but I take what I get!

We BF most of the day today! We were out and about, and I BF'd at Andy's shop.... then gave him and EBM bottle at Kohls, and got home and nursed and nursed. And few bottles in between. I didn't even pump until about 30 minutes ago (LOVED the pumping break!)

So is it ironic that things are going smoothly now that I stopped stressing out about it?

Oh, and the domperidone is on its way.

So things have just been working themselves out I guess. I am pumping as much as possible, offering the breast to him mostly for comfort, and just letting it ride. Ironically, I find it much easier to bottle feed him at night then BF. I know that's a bit different than most BF mom's roll, but it works for us. That way he gets fed quickly and back to sleep quickly so I can pump and take advantage of that higher nighttime output. I am back to sleep within an hour of him waking up, and that's fine by me!!! He sleeps better, I sleep better, and we are happier in general. Now, if I could just break him of waking up at 6:30 am, lol.... things would be great! I would love that extra hour of sleep!

And of course, or Lord and Savior always has a plan. And I see his plan starting to come together! We got some financial news last night that is going to put even more strain on our already tedious situation. With much heartache, I must return back to work. I will try to get my job back at Wal mart working nights and weekends part time. I liked that job honestly, it was fun. I don't feel a bit bad about working again, but I am gonna miss that evening time with my boys and ESPECIALLY with my Andy. But, we must do what we must do. Gotta have money to live no matter what.
Why not get a full time job you ask?
I refuse, as does Andy, to put our kids in daycare. Not because we think we are cool, but because 1. Its too freaking expensive
2. Finding reliable people is near impossible
3. We believe the babies belong at home with their mommies.
4. Yes, we REALLY believe that babies belong with their mommies!

Also, I may get the chance to do some part time work back at Marsh helping with logs and such. This would really be awesome, as they pay well and fair and i LOVE my girls to death!

So how does this relate to BF? Well, say our BF was going along swimmingly.. and he never had a baba or formula... imagine the impact on both of us having to be forced suddenly into being separated for long hours? It would be a hard and absolutely devastating transition. Well, as it is, our nursing relationship is very similar to a working mom's. BF when we can, pump when we can, supplement when we have to. And of course, Andy can feed him without any issues whatsoever. And as good as this little man sleeps, Andy won't hardly be bothered at all for the short time I will be gone!

So, it looks as if (and should I have EVER doubted) God has been setting us up for this all along! I cannot wait for the day I RELAX and let the Zen feelings of trust in MY LORD take over before panic sets in, lol! If any of us ever reach that level of consciousness, I just don't know.