Im only a little crazy...

After feeling quite anguished yesterday over this whole 11:11 thing, and praying feverishly for God to give me an answer about it...my prayers were answered today!

As the the last blog post stated, everything 11:11 seems to be connected to numerology, and some Unitarian "Light Spirit" crap that reeks FAR to heavily of Wicca related poop for my taste. Basically, a load of shit that I refuse to believe, as it goes against my beliefs completely. I am not going to say its EVIL. I cannot make that judgement. But I got this answer today, after reading some guys article about his experience with 11's. The article read fairly well, no mention of Angels whispering or spirits talking. It spoke of opening a door, so to speak, when the phenomena occurred and take heed what you are doing at that moment... supposedly whatever you are participating in, or thinking when you see 11 it is the RIGHT thing, and should be pursued further. Seems logical enough to me surely. Then I clicked a link at the bottom of his page that said something about Christianity... NOT OK WITH WHAT I SAW THERE. The article was about shedding all the former beliefs about Christianity..STOP GOING TO CHURCH! Was in bold letters... I barely skimmed a paragraph...then it hit me...

11:11 is bad. Bad for me. Bad for a Christian person who is trying every day to become a better Christian and strengthen her relationship with God. In essence, the devil is trying to distract me. I am at a very critical moment in my personal development. A make or break kind of deal I guess. I NEED to step forward in one direction or the other, and the devil realizes this and is doing what he can to get me back. Why you ask? Because since I have been feeling his anxious, something is coming don't know what to do feeling I have been bombarded with signs and urges I had long since shed. I have not questioned my faith per say, but have been wondering about many things that maybe I should just take as is.

So, you are reading this and thinking, Joee, seriously? God and the Devil fighting over you? OH PULEAZE! But in reality, it happens to most Christians every day. This just happens to be a very profound moment in time, something I have been made aware of because big things are coming. My faith is being tested harder than ever. I have lost a child. We are in financial stress. God is pushing hard, Devil is pulling too, and I am under pressure like I have never been before.

HAHHA!!! guess what? My faith will not be shaken. I will never renounce my Love for the Lord Jesus and our God. I believe in the scripture. I believe in kindness. I believe that war is coming, and is necessary. If it comes to pass that I am forced to renounce my faith, or face death? I take death gladly. I love my children and my husband. I love my family and my friends. I pray for them, and for all people that need faith in this world. I pray for the people that even though they will never except Jesus, that they do not suffer a terrible fate.

Another thing... a reason I guess I believe all this to be what it is. Mentioned again, in a previous post. My peace with Taylin...its not of this earth. I do not feel grief. I am not sad, upset, shaken, scared by the fact that we lost her. I am at peace with that. And a peace that strong and beautiful can only come from one place. ;)

Whats next? Ah I breathe a sigh of relief, keep steady on my path to happiness, and stay away from the things that make me second guess where I should be, or what I should be doing. Are changes coming? Absolutely. Am I gonna be ready for them? Heck yes! I have nothing to fear. If I lose everything I have, I still have the Lord and the promise of Eternal life in a place called Heaven. That being said, I am still human... and no doubt will stumble along the way.

Amen.

So, for a long time now I have been experiencing this strange phenomena... it does not happen every day, but more often than not I will glance at the clock at exactly 11:11. So I am curious naturally... and googled it. Turns out 11:11 is quite the popular thing! There were thousands of pages, blogs, etc...

Now I had to sort through all the numerology mumbo jumbo. I believe in numerology to a certain degree. The Bible is chock full of references and "coincidences" that are difficult to ignore. and blurry is the line between good and evil my friends. Well after reading a few I am more confused now than ever. Christians argue amongst themselves over the significance, quoting scripture after scripture, almost as if they are arguing with the Bible. Sheesh. And then there is the other extreme... the people who follow the stars, which the bible states is a no-no.

UGH. Whats a girl like me to do? I prayed about it, but I really felt foolish doing so. I have no idea what God wants me to think of it. Should it be something? should it not? And it ties into this crazy feeling I have had, that one I blogged about already. I took notice of the deaths in the entertainment industry... I find it all quite odd but cannot quite put my finger on why. People die every day, but I feel like I have been surrounded by it recently.

I am seeking something. I am unsettled. I feel the need to make a step forward, yet I haven't clue as to what direction. I feel closer to God than ever, I feel the call to do something! But I do not know what it is. I am a smart person, but not so great on picking up the subtle hints I guess.

Dear Lord,
You know me better than anyone. You know my path, and what it will take to make me follow it. I pray now Lord Jesus, that you shine a light for me, and help me through to the place I need to be. I am but a creature, dumb in nature. I KNOW I need to do something, I don't know what it is. Please walk with me Lord.
Amen

Today marks one month since we found out Taylin had passed... I am doing 3000 times better than I ever thought I would. I am truly at peace with her leaving us. Yes, its sad, and of course I would much rather be pregnant than not. But I am very ok with her passing, and know she is in the most beautiful place a person can be.

I wonder if I am not grieving properly sometimes. Like maybe I have buried this pain too deep, and am unable to feel anymore? But every time I search my soul, I just feel peace. A peace only a person who knows the Lord could know. My baby was not mine to have. She was Gods child, and God took her back. I am ok with this in every single way possible.

Now, since her passing I have noticed something. Every day I see a white butterfly. The day we buried her, there was one white butterfly hovering around her grave. It was there the entire time me and Andy were. We sat there for a long time, talking to her. When we got up, the butterfly flew away. When I go to her grave, there is always a white butterfly there. When I go outside, at least once a day, I see a white butterfly. I don't care if people think I am nuts...to me this is a sign that she is there, always with us in some way. Its so cliche, i know. But its somethign that brings me neverending joy and comfort.

Also, in the corner of my yard stands a rosebush that we pruned to death, lol. Its only one stem. Andy and I both noticed on the same day that there was one single rose on this one single stem on this quite unhealthy looking bush. a few days later, there was another beautiful blossom. Seeing as how Taylin is buried underneath a rosebush, Andy and I took so much comfort in seeing this tiny little stem produce two healthy flowers. To us, it is symbolic of Taylins life, our realtionship, and the possibilty of us concieving again. In fact, we both thought it meant we were gonna have twins! ;)

One month... one month of many. And little baby, we love you more every day. We will see you in Heaven! Oh, and I really hope that you and George the Bunny are having the time of your life up there!

So I have a TTC journal posted on another site CLICK ME that gives out the most details, but I thought I would give a brief update here as well:



Spotting has been MIA for a full 27 hours, yahoo! And I did get a test, and got a beautiful BFN (whoever thougth I would be typing those words together, lol!) So looks as if my body is doing what it should, and I am now waiting on my first PP AF. YEAAAAHOOOOEY!



Ryan has been giving us a neverending parental challenge... after much discussion with him and DH both, I think we have all found a common ground and will all be making an effort towards change!



Everit will be ONE in 10 days! OMG! Party planning is underway.



Thats it. Dont feel creative today, lol.

Like you were perched on the edge of something so enormous you could not even see the other side? I feel that way right now... like something is going to happen. Good, bad, crazy, I have no clue!! I cannot say if I am going to fly or fall at this point, but I am full of excitement and wonder right now. This is not meant to be any more mysterious as it sounds (as I am not currently harboring any secrets that would shake the earth, lol,) but I just have that feeling.... something is happening. Its coming, and its coming fast. My heart is beating faster right now even as I type this.

So many of my friends and family have been reaching out and going for their dreams... and I myself have embarked on some endevours as well. Maybe its all of it? Maybe there are about 500 wonderful blessings that are gonna pop all at once! I just don't know!!!

Wow, this is spooky and crazy and exciting all at once! Stay tuned, friends! This is gonna be big!

This was part of the message today, and the one that hit me the hardest. Especially hard, if you read this blog I wrote just a few days before: http://iamonlyalittlecrazy.blogspot.com/2009/06/anyone-notice.html

At all times, we need to keep our eye on God. And we don't. I definitely do not. I look back at him most times. Do what I do, walk away from Him because I know it's wrong, and then I force myself to look back and say, please forgive me. This is the wrong way.

Also, today, we became members of our church. I asked what my responsibilities were now that I was a member. The answer was simple and very poignant. SHARE THE GIFT THAT YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN. That gift, being salvation of course. How long have I held onto this, keeping it safe and sound like a little secret between me and God? A long long time. That is also, the wrong way. This gift, this immense blessing of Faith is not for mine to keep and covet. I need to share this. Looking back on Taylins story, which you can find here on my favorite place to be, pregnancy.org: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboards/showthread.php?t=521326

Reading through the responses that were received, I realized how her story reached others in a way I never thought it would. If even ONE person reading that looked away from themselves and towards God at that moment, then I have shared the best gift of all. And the beauty of it is, until today, I was completely unaware that may have happened! How easy was that, to share the Lord with someone? Surely, it can be as simple in real life!

I feel very convicted to do something, anything to get the word out that God is good. I have shed that fear of people looking down at me, or thinking me a fanatic or some crazy cult member. Heck, if this is a cult, then sign me up. I don't care what stigma this carries with it. I love the Lord, I love the blessings that I receive, and I would LOVE to share this with anyone who will listen. I don't know my scripture... I have never even fully read my bible... but in time I will learn the tools needed to spread the word effectively. And like Pastor said today, I need to take that leap of FAITH. I will NEVER get anywhere if I don't leave my circle of comfort.

Blog readers, I want to talk to you. About the Lord. Lets teach each other. Let me share my story, and I would love to hear yours.

Oh my swiffer, how I love thee...
You save my back and aching knee.
The mop is wet and heavy and soiled,
but with you, sweet swiffer, my efforts are not foiled.

Your pads have velcrow, your spray is effective.
You may be pricey, but I am objective.
I gladly exchange a few AA's, to ditch the old skool janitor ways.

I often dream of you in my hand,
Killing bacteria all over the land!
If I were not human, or you not a tool,
I am sure we would make prom court at school.

It is to you, valiant swiffer, that I give all my toils.
Dancing in my arms as you clean my spoils.
I am sure you come from the closet above...
straight from heaven to mop with love.

Much love Swiffer....