Im only a little crazy...

Good grief. So I decided to try again this morning after my last post (I love that I am blogging about this, it keeps reminding me NOT to give up!)

Anyhoo, I was anxious as could be because I just didn't want to fight it. Before I latched him on, I watched a few videos about latching, and noticed something I had not previously noticed: these women were pulling their babies to the breast, open mouthed, and allowing the baby to latch on. Ok, DUH moment for most of reading this I am sure... but let me explain why this was so profound for me.

All the LC's and books and drawings I have visited/seen/read say to "cram" all the boob you can into the babies mouth when it opens. USE THE SANDWICH! STUFF THAT BOOB IN! DONT FORGET ABOUT THE AREOLA!!! So for 5 weeks I have been trying to jam his mouth full of boobie, only to have him spit it out, or lick it, or gag, or whatever. And if successful, he would back up off the latch quickly. Hence my neverending stress over it not working!!!

Huh. So this morning I though, well shit. If these tiny babies are just gently latching with little or no force then maybe he can too? AYUH. Like, instantly he just latched himself on with no troubles. Nice healthy comfortable latch that he ACTUALLY KEPT for over 10 minutes on each breast! I was able to let his head go for the first time, let him relax (and me as well) and let him suck away!!! Are you FUCKING kidding me? For 5 weeks I have fought this? HOW many women are getting this same awful advice I had been given? How many????

And as for the sucking, well it was awesome! 8 minutes of active, nutritive sucking! Well, on righty anyway. Lefty is just akward no matter what... and barely makes milk anyway. He's more of a practice boob LOL!

So, may this trend of easy latching and good sucking continue! And may the one step forward, two step back progression end. I want to see forward motion only from here on out!

WOOHO!!!

Yesterdays nursing went from bad to worse. By the time Andy got home around 6, he was just done latching on altogether. He even bit me!!! And with that little tooth, REOWR did that smart! BUT, I think he just isn't feeling very good. He slept a 6 hour stretch last night, and when he woke up around 3 he was congested and gassy. After he pooed, he spit up almost all of his meal. He ate a little more, spit again, and then again. Poor little dude. I think the combo of stuffies and wind made him very unhappy. After I got him changed and settled he was up every hour after that.

I didn't nurse him at all last night, just pumped. I probably shouldn't take those breaks, but honestly the dissapointment of him not nursing well (or at all) really makes me upset. And I didn't want to feel upset.

This morning I managed to get his nose clear, finally! I can't believe the amount of snot a tiny little baby can hold in their head! He felt much better after that. I am still debating on whether or not to nurse him. Believe it or not, it makes me nervous now. Like a mini anxiety attack just thinking about it. If he rejects it, or just sucks twice and passes out it makes my heart hurt. I KNOW it's not something that I am causing or that he is causing either. It's just the crappy luck we have with BF. But it hurts just the same. I dread the thought of becoming an exclusive pumper, especially with my medeoker milk output.

I posted my troubles on the LLL forums... and of course I get the same old tired advice. Links to Kellymom, clip the frenulum (they don't clip upper frenulums... he wouldn't be able to move his upper lip) and oh try a wet washcloth! After 5 weeks I think I have exhausted every bit of imformation and support in regards to our issue. There is simply nothing left to try, short of the chiropractor. And I just don't think a chiropractor can make my child wake at the breast!

Wow how the time has flown by. So cliche, I know. But it just blows my mind how quickly they grow.

Last night we had more great sleep! I love that he sleeps good (when not going through the growth spurts, lol.) I really hope he stays this way. I remember 6 weeks was when Everit did his 180 and turned into the non-sleeping monster!

Nursing went good... he is staying latched on longer now. Not much longer, only a few minutes but I call it improvement. I did supplement 2 oz after his feeds, and then he had 3 oz this morning at around 7:30. 5 oz isn't bad at all. I'm not keeping great track, but I think he is getting around 15 oz per day of formula now. Much less then it was!

I know he is getting more BM then formula now by his poo's. They are more yellow and seedy then they were two weeks ago. He is now going only once a day, maybe every other day. But they are profuse when he does, so I know he is still gaining and doing well. Not that he needs to keep gaining LOL! Good heavens he's huge!

Yesterday he rolled over. Not once but twice! From belly to back. It may have been accidental, but it sure looked like he made that choice! I will put him on his belly again today and see what he does.

Oh, and last night, OMG so sweet! He sleeps between me and Daddy at night. Usually he hovers in the middle... but last night he wiggled and wiggled until he got his face right up against my breast, and then fell asleep. He did this every time we layed back down! And this morning, instead of him letting out his HUNGRY! scream, he woke me up by rooting and rooting at my breast trying to nurse my tank top LOL! I thought it was just precious. I cannot wait for his latch to get "normal" so we can lay down to nurse. I can't do it now, he just pulls off my nipple and chews me to death. Hopefully one day!

2:00 pm... what a crap day for nursing. He has slept all day long. Eat sleep eat sleep eat sleep. Not good sleep... unsettled, cranky, half sleep. He won't stay awake at my breast for more than 3 min. (ugh again?) and barely stays awake for the bottle.. but since the bottle is easier he can suck it dry while he is fast asleep. I am getting a little worried, even though I know tommorow he will be spry again, lol. I know its just a few sleepy days, but It's still worrysome. I need to get a pump in, but the boys just don't let it happen. I did manage to get the living room cleaned and somewhat re-arranged though.. I probably should have eaten lol. Maybe I will get some food later and then again maybe not.

Woohoo! Sleep! HOLY moly did we sleep! Got a 5 hour stretch, then a 3 hour stretch, then ANOTHER 3 hour stretch after that!

Honestly, I can't remember how many Oz's he took last night lol... I think maybe 5 total? Its blurry, we were in sleepy heaven!

The 3 am and 5 am BF sessions were frustrating. He was too tired and/or lazy to latch on good. He kept doing his old latch of licky licky licky my nipple. Makes me WONKY when he does that. That flicking feeling is so annoying. So I fed him till my patience wore out, and topped him off after that. I was gonna pump, but I opted for sleep instead lol.

This morning at 9 when we woke up, he fed pretty well from both sides. He got another 2 oz after that. Then we fed again around 11 ish... no supplement this time. We rolled to the grocery store and fed when we got back around 1, and another 2 oz formula. From 1:45 till about 2:30 we nursed on and off, and he is now in the swing sleeping.

I guess he is in growing mode! All that food he ate last week is now getting used up to grow grow grow! I am thankful that the eating phase is done for a bit... thats exhausting like nothing else can be.

Oh, and the ding dang thrush is back again. Glad doc gave us a HUGE bottle of Nystantin. I think we are gonna battle this for the duration...

And finally.. this is odd but here goes. At the end of my pregnancy, I noticed that I had developed a bump on my right nipple. It looks like a blister. It really has not bothered me at all with nursing or otherwise. I was reading online about milk blisters, saw a pic and went WHOA! That's MY blister exactly! Now how odd is it that I got it before I nursed, and it still has not bothered me, nor popped? I tried the hot compress and nursing thing yesterday, but it didn't do anything at all.. so I decided that I will have my doc take a look at it next Tuesday at my 6 week checkup. If it is a plugged duct, I would like for him to open and drain it if possible... Maybe that's the ONE duct that will bring my supply to fruition, lol. I know hopeful thinking! I sure don't wanna have to heal from it, but if I can bring more milk to my baby, then so be it!

So perhaps we turned a corner? He has been nursing successfully since yesterday afternoon! He is eating at least 15 minutes, and he is actually sucking that WHOLE time! Here is what I think changed:

He has been a little congested, but I could not really see anything in his nose, nor could I suck anything out. He didn't seem to be struggling to breathe at all, just making the boogery sounds. Then, a TOTAL DUH Mommy moment occurred! The saline nose drops! I put a few in, and sucked out quite a bit of snot. After that he was nursing great! So this morning I will do it again as I noticed he sounded a like raspy when he woke up. But we nursed all night long and he took maybe 3 oz total all night of formula!! Woot!

We have been up since 7, and have nursed 2 times already, with a few short "comfort" nurses in between. I have not made a bottle yet!

I know he is ready for his morning nap, but he is not really wanting to lay down without me... funny... now that I know he nursed so well, I am actually thinking its just ME he wants rather than more food. I may be wrong, but I hope this is the case!!

I had an appointment with the Lactation nurses today at 2, but I had to cancel it because I don't have anyone to watch the boys. They are allowed to go with me, but last time they were just too much to deal with. They are good boys, but I need to concentrate on me and Dalton rather than telling them to hush the whole time. If things continue to derail, I will make another appointment. But I am cautiously optimistic that we may be finally heading down a good path.

Praying for the best, and prepping for the worst!

11:00 am... after a morning full of BF'ing he is now sleeping soundly. No bottle as of yet! I hope he is sleeping from being full and content, rather than hungry and exhausted. I felt good about BF this morning... he was doing his on and off sucking and sleeping pattern, but I was simply more patient about it than I have been. If this is the way he nurses, then so be it. I guess I am so desperate to have a quick, successful feeding session that I am calling failure without realizing that he is going to BF the way He wants. And like I have been reminded over and over, he is still very very young and we are still learning.

On a good note, I do have renewed faith that I will be able to get to 6 weeks. And then 7, and then 8. ANd God willing, many many more!

1:30 pm... He napped until about 11:30, so an hour total. We nursed and nursed until almost 1:00. I put him down for maybe 20 minutes that whole time (and managed to get dishes done, lawn sprinkler moved, and feed the boys in that 20 minutes!) He was still hungry though :( I made a bottle of 2 oz BM and 3 oz formula. He sucked it down. I put him in the swing and I *think* he may actually be sleeping for a little longer this time. Lord I hope so. I really need to pay attention to Everit. He is starting to lose it.

WOWEE! A 2.5 hour nap out of little man! Soo happy! I got a shower, and did a bunch of things that needed done. Huzzah!
When he woke up we nursed, and he was content after that for close to an hour! Then we nursed again and I topped him off with about 2 oz of formula. He was super happy and chilled all evening long till Daddy got home. I nursed him again, for about 30 minutes, and then Andy asked to feed him. I had a moment... looking at Andy feeding him and realized that yes, supplementing is not ideal BUT... look how awesome it is too see him with his Daddy. Andy was singing him a song very quietly. I got teared up watching them together.

About 8:30 he was fussy, So I nursed on my left and he stayed there about 10 minutes before passing out for his first (hopefully) long stretch of the night. I am debating whether or not I should get a pump in... I may just rouse him before I go to bed to empty out righty.

All in all, a successful day.

And we have not even had maybe 10 total minutes of successful sucks on the breast so far. Thats being generous. And pumping is yielding nothing... I got a whole ounce from BOTH breasts on my last pump.

Every time I sit down to BF my 2 year old decides to throw a fit, need a snack, color on something, tear something up, or just sit and whine at me for nothing. I guess he's finally starting to show that jealousy we have been waiting for.

LC's still haven't returned my call. I hope they do soon... it's the last thing holding me together right now. That tiny glimmer of hope that maybe our relationship can be saved somehow.

Really, he hasn't eaten much at all today. From bottle or breast.. a few sucks, sleeps for 10 minutes then up awake again. I know its normal for them to go through phases like this, but it's so frustrating. Stopping every 10 minutes, thinking its feeding time. I havent managed to get a thing done as usual, and my poor Everit just wants attention.

I have been tearing up all day long. Every time I hold that bottle in my hand it just makes me fall apart again. I just do not understand why it's so hard? Why isn't this working? All I wanted was to BF my baby.... I am not asking for money, or fame, or anything that I don't need or deserve. Just to feed my baby the easiest, healthiest, and least expensive way. The natural way.

And he's awake again. *sigh* I haven't managed to fold the laundry I started... its a miracle I got food this morning to be honest. Looks like I won't be eating again until dinnertime.

As my Everit loves to say, Lifes a Fish.

Ha. Not that I blog so often, lol.. but I need to deal with this somehow.

So I introduce: Our Breastfeeding Journey.

After losing my BF relationship with Everit when he was about 5 weeks old, I felt an emptiness and sadness that I could not digest. I felt I had failed him, and failed myself. When I got pregnant with Taylin (God Rest her Soul) I was determined that I would succeed this time. After losing her, we were lucky enough to conceive our last little man, Dalton. Throughout the pregnancy I devoured all things BF. I ordered books, researched online, spoke with Doulas and LC's and peers. I was going to be successful no matter what it took.

Now, keep in mind that I face a difficult issue with BF. Having breast implants cuts my chances of success.. not by a whole lot, but supply was the issue I assumed I would be facing. Turns out supply was to be only one factor in our never ending troubles.

Dalton was born on July 8Th, 2010 Via planned C Section. He was a whopping 9 lbs 8.6 oz at birth. Don't ask me how I grew such a giant baby, lol... but I managed. BF'ing went great the first few days. The LC noticed his latch was shallow, but was confident that with practice it would improve. I also began pumping the first day, as well as taking fenugreek to boost my supply. By the 3rd day (the day I was discharged) my milk was mostly in and he was at that time getting full off my supply.

At his first check up at 5 days old, Dalton had lost weight. Alot of it. He was 8 lbs 6 oz. Now, because he was so large at birth (and my Doc is not a whistle blower) there was only minimal concern. He said keep nursing, and see what happens in a few days. It was after this appointment that I noticed Dalton just was not an active sucker. And that my nips were creased and bleeding and cracked. I could get through the pain, but I knew his latch was getting worse and not better.

Two days later at his weight check he was down to 8 lbs 4 oz. My heart sank to my toes. I knew it was time supplement. I cried buckets on the way to Target to buy the bottles and formula I had prayed and prayed that I would never have to see again. when we got home, I fed him his first bottle. I cried SO hard through that. Harder then I had ever cried before. And when he guzzled those 3 oz down, my heart broke even further. He was so hungry... and I was just not making enough to feed him.

So On day 7, I began the grueling BF, Supplement, Pump cycle. It was so exhausting. Luckily I was still riding the new baby endorphin high...(and the pain meds were probably helping too, lol.) I still don't know why I didn't just give up right then and there. Something kept driving me, as it is today.

Week 1...As we supplemented, and I pumped, I noticed that my breasts just didn't seem to have as much to offer... and again his latch was horrific. I set myself to pumping every 2 hours on the clock, and working in an extra 10 minute pump here and there when I had the chance. I was getting 4 oz on the best morning pump, and a measly 1.5-2 oz on the evening pumps. Dalton started EATING. And I mean EATING. He was taking 4-5 oz per feeding. The formula was flowing indeed. And I was pumping my brains out trying to get enough to feed this child. My breasts never felt full, unless I slept a long stretch (5 hours or so.) It was so hard to face the reality of low supply. I also added blessed Thistle at this time to my galactogouge regimen. I'm still not convinced it did anything, but I am afraid to stop taking it. I also started drinking 3 cups of mothers milk tea per day.

Week 2...I visited with the LC's during this second week, who noticed that he had a very tight UPPER frenulum. This is much like a tongue tie, only on his top lip. Because that frenulum is SO snug, he is unable to properly flare his upper lip out. This of course causes a poor, shallow latch. He has to work twice as hard to maintain his latch, which exhausts him and hurts me. And due to the sad latch, he is not removing milk or stimulating my breasts properly... hence the minimal supply. Pumping was probably the ONLY thing that kept my supply existent. It was bad news, but not entirely horrible. It was something we could overcome with time and practice.

I made the executive decision to stop BF for a few days and pump exclusively. Not only for my supply, but my nips and our sanity. He was getting about a 60/40 Formula/BM (respectively) feed. He was sleeping better, as was I. But there was NO improvement in my supply whatsoever. It just stayed on the same sad path.

Week 3... after a week of NO BF my nips were feeling better. We had company coming into town, and were going to the inlaws to visit and have some fun. I was NOT going to lug that stupid pump around with me. I said to myself "this is it, Joee... time to BF." So that morning I latched him on... and much to my surprise he accepted it happily. Again, the latch was not superior, but MUCH better than it had been a week ago. I decided , what the heck. I will BF this little guy all day and see what happens. He latched on for the rest of the day, and though he never acted "full" and I had to supplement, I was over the moon happy. We continued to BF day and night, supplement as needed and I pretty much stopped pumping altogether.

Week 4...After a few days I noticed I was feeling FULL after 2 hours of not BF. And when I latched him, he was gulping greedily. I was like, OMG yes! we are doing this! THEN it started... he would only suck actively for maybe 3 minutes... then he would fade off to a flutter suck. I would unlatch, and he would refuse to re latch again... not resisting the breast, just not latching. He would "chew"on my breast. I had milk pouring out of both breasts, and it would just dribble out of his mouth. We latched, and re latched, and changed diapers, and burped, and danced and sang and maybe after 20 minutes he would re latch again and suck for another 3 sad minutes. Our nighttime routine became bad. He was up every 1/2 hour to an hour.. even with supplementing he was just unsettled. He wanted to stay at my breast. But he would pass out as soon as he was on. He never fought the bottle, but his facial expressions really showed how he felt. He would rather be on the boob.

Now, on a good note, his latch is good enough now that I am not in pain, and my nips are in fairly good shape. But I cannot manage to get him to stay awake long enough to empty me. I believe with all my heart that the milk is there, and ready to take... but I cannot get him to finish me off no matter what I try.

Yesterday: 4 weeks 3 days old. Despite the fullness in my breasts, and ample milk to offer, he is not sucking beyond the 3 minute mark. After a long and desperate night, I woke up defeated. He decided that between 3 and 6 am he was not going to latch at all. Again, not resisting the breast, but just chewing. I fed him his bottle, which he sucked down quickly and I cried. And cried. And cried. He was awake and alert most of the morning. I latched him on at least 4 times.. all with the same exhausting results. I switched sides about 4 times during the last feeding, as my breasts were sore and hurting and needed to be emptied. He took more than he had before (I thought) but he still took another 3 oz after that from Andy. I relived the heartbreak from the morning, and cried again.

I decided another BF break was due. So we bottle fed him the rest of the day/night and I pumped every 2 hours again. My breasts were not so thrilled at the pump, lol. Sad results... a mere 10 oz between last night and this morning. That's only 2 feedings for my chunk butt. And my full feeling is gone already. I think my boobs hate the pump. Can't blame em. Its barbaric.
He slept great. A four hour stretch... OMG that was lovely. I feel rested, and he must be as well because he is sleeping the morning away. I think he was as exhausted as I was!

4 weeks 4 days (today): I woke up and pumped, fed him 4 oz of formula, and he went to sleep after a bit of fussing from a gas bubble in his tummy. Wow, a morning nap! What a treat! He woke up about 2 hours later. He seemed hungry, so I gave him Righty. Fantastic Latch! It was beautiful! I was excited! He was gulping, lefty was burning (not leaking though) and all was well... 4 minutes later, he was OUT like a light. NOt rousable in any way shape or form. So now we are current. He is sleeping like an a little angel. I wish I could feel confident that he got full, lol. But I think the tired is simply outweighing the hunger right now. I will offer the breast to him when he wakes up, and keep on keeping on. I have a call into the LC's to schedule another consultation with them.