Thursday, February 4, 2010

...the unexpected is literally around every curve.

This is, in truth, my 6th pregnancy. As of right now, my losses outnumber my living children. What a sad realization that is. Life is delicate. But understanding this does not prevent one from becoming jaded. Add a second trimester loss to the mix, and you have a guarantee of never feeling confidence again (concerning the pregnancy that is.)

As this pregnancy progresses I clamor onto every tiny little milestone. Getting past that 15th week was huge for me and I celebrated silently in my own mind. Every single day I hold my phone in my hand getting so close to dialing my doctors number and begging for a quick heartbeat check, only to put the phone down. Stubborn determination to NOT allow the "What Ifs" to swallow me whole.

This baby does NOT like to move all that often. OR, I am mentally blocking this out somehow, writing off most of it to gas and other bodily functions. At night I lie awake praying that maybe its just a night owl, but rarely do I feel a bump or nudge. I drink 2-3 glasses of Orange Juice a day hoping that sugar rush will prompt a tap dance. Nope. Just a niggle here and a push there. So I ask Andy last night if Everit moved more at this time. Much to my relief, he said "No baby, not really. When he DID move it was very strong and you tried to get me to feel it from the outside... but it was not often at all." Well, that makes me feel a bit better about the whole thing. I stress a BIT.

So my biggest issue within my own silly mind is, I have not prayed a whole lot for this baby. Strange I know... but I just feel like God has a plan regardless of how hard I pray about it. If this baby is meant to be here on earth then it shall. This goes against everything I know about my religion... we PRAY. We pray so God knows our needs and desires. We pray so miracles happen. We PRAY. And yet, I don't say much. I don't bargain with God anymore (i.e. Lord, let this baby live and I will stop cussing for good.) In fact most of the prayers I have prayed have been something along the lines of "Lord, if this child is not mine to have, please allow me to go into labor this very minute. Allow me to be done. I cannot endure another 'missed miscarriage'."
Its sad.

So I know this behavior is very unlike me. And I need to undo this mental block I have. I need to pray NOT for the baby, but for myself. I need to open my heart to this Little One, and allow myself to bond with it somehow. I keep thinking that the Big US day will change all this and open my heart. I will PRAY for inner peace about this. And then I can pray for the baby. Then I can feel those movements and be confident. THEN I can be properly excited.

One more week. ONE more week.


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