Im only a little crazy...

A day made for pregnant people.... well ok. I don't even know that the hell Fat Tuesday means... but I have decided that THIS year, Fat Tuesday means Joee can eat anything she wants all day long and end up laying on the couch like a giant impregnated blob of flesh.

Hell yeah!

I am going to testify to this today!

Oh Friday I woke up with a terrible pain in my side. Not usually alarming for a pregnancy, as everything seems to hurt. However, it was the exact pain I had felt on the Day we discovered Taylin had gone to heaven. I was hysterical, naturally.

I laid down, tried to relax. Did a few stretches to see if maybe it was muscle pain. Nothing would help. I took a deep breath and called my doc, who told me to come in. I called Andy and got the boys ready to rock. In the inbetweens I posted on Facebook and Pregnancy.ORG to my friends and family to please pray. I prayed...I prayed all the way there...I prayed in the waiting room. I cried. And I prayed.

Finally the doc comes in. I explain whats going on, and he wastes NO time putting that doppler on my belly.... PRAISE GOD IN HEAVEN. It was an immediate strong heartbeat in the 150's. I burst out in tears of joy. The sweetest sound I have ever heard in my life.

So Doc and I are both confused on what caused it. He was concerned of my gallbladder, but I still don't have one symptom indicating anything is wrong. By the time I got home, that pain was gone. GONE. Just a residual ache and tenderness was all.

So here is the amazing part: I get home and pop onto the interwebz to announce the good news. There must have been 30 or more posts!!! Everyone saying prayers and good vibes and hopes for a good outcome. I think I cried harder than I have in a very long time.

And it hit me then. The POWER of prayer. The immense, undeniable power. I felt peace then. And, like magic, this little baby was wiggling around all afternoon. Comfort, peace, and an amazingly acute realization that PRAYER is the most powerful tool we have as People today.

Thank you to all who prayed for us that day. And for praying for everything that you pray for. Sometimes I do not remember that one tiny little voice can make a difference in the scheme of things. And then something like this happens, and you have no choice but to understand.

GOD IS GOOD.

...the unexpected is literally around every curve.

This is, in truth, my 6th pregnancy. As of right now, my losses outnumber my living children. What a sad realization that is. Life is delicate. But understanding this does not prevent one from becoming jaded. Add a second trimester loss to the mix, and you have a guarantee of never feeling confidence again (concerning the pregnancy that is.)

As this pregnancy progresses I clamor onto every tiny little milestone. Getting past that 15th week was huge for me and I celebrated silently in my own mind. Every single day I hold my phone in my hand getting so close to dialing my doctors number and begging for a quick heartbeat check, only to put the phone down. Stubborn determination to NOT allow the "What Ifs" to swallow me whole.

This baby does NOT like to move all that often. OR, I am mentally blocking this out somehow, writing off most of it to gas and other bodily functions. At night I lie awake praying that maybe its just a night owl, but rarely do I feel a bump or nudge. I drink 2-3 glasses of Orange Juice a day hoping that sugar rush will prompt a tap dance. Nope. Just a niggle here and a push there. So I ask Andy last night if Everit moved more at this time. Much to my relief, he said "No baby, not really. When he DID move it was very strong and you tried to get me to feel it from the outside... but it was not often at all." Well, that makes me feel a bit better about the whole thing. I stress a BIT.

So my biggest issue within my own silly mind is, I have not prayed a whole lot for this baby. Strange I know... but I just feel like God has a plan regardless of how hard I pray about it. If this baby is meant to be here on earth then it shall. This goes against everything I know about my religion... we PRAY. We pray so God knows our needs and desires. We pray so miracles happen. We PRAY. And yet, I don't say much. I don't bargain with God anymore (i.e. Lord, let this baby live and I will stop cussing for good.) In fact most of the prayers I have prayed have been something along the lines of "Lord, if this child is not mine to have, please allow me to go into labor this very minute. Allow me to be done. I cannot endure another 'missed miscarriage'."
Its sad.

So I know this behavior is very unlike me. And I need to undo this mental block I have. I need to pray NOT for the baby, but for myself. I need to open my heart to this Little One, and allow myself to bond with it somehow. I keep thinking that the Big US day will change all this and open my heart. I will PRAY for inner peace about this. And then I can pray for the baby. Then I can feel those movements and be confident. THEN I can be properly excited.

One more week. ONE more week.

Yeah So I can't seem to keep my blog updated to save my life. I must be boring. LOL... no I KNOW I am boring. But I digress....

Things have changed dramatically yet again in my life, only for the good this time.

On October 30th, 2009, we discovered I was pregnant again! Thank you Lord! Another chance at completing the family we love so dearly. And ironically enough, It was a TWIN cycle with Everits pregnancy. LMO (last menstrual period) was on October 7th... and due date is July 15th! My dear doc, who has delivered a buttload of babies said he has never in his career seen someone have two identical cycles! Cool!

We had an ultrasound at around 9 weeks. ONE Baby looked good and healthy. All checkups since then have proved to have a heartbeat. VERY VERY hard to find heartbeat, but there and strong.
On February 11th, we will have our BIG ultrasound to find out what we are having!!! All signs point to BOY. I would LOVE a girl, but I will take what the good Lord gives. He knows best! And to be a Mom to 3 princes would be an honor indeed!

I am 17 weeks tomorrow... and so far I have been a giant ball of nerves about this pregnancy. The worst part by far is the lack of movement. I SWEAR I could feel the boys much more by this time. The bumps are few and far between. I try SO hard not to read into it.. I could feel Taylin SO strong before I lost her... and heck she wasn't even big enough to make a dent! I have a feeling I am mentally blocking this out until we see this baby on the US moving and squirming. Once I can relax and know that this baby is here to stay, I may feel some more.

AND!!! WE MOVED!!! OMG WE MOVED!!! A cute little 3 bed 2 bath on the North end of town. Perfect for our family. Great, quiet little neighborhood. Ryan started at a new school yesterday. and I think this is gonna be SUCH a good thing for him. Its a fantastic school with very organized, accomplished teachers. He is in a class that is a mix of both 1st and 2nd graders, so he will have that opportunity to advance and fulfill his already immense potential.

The last 6 months have been the most trying of my life. I will save that for another post, as I have so many feelings about what I endured and what I learned, and what problems I caused for myself and my family.

So, here's to another fresh start. Praying the peace stays around for a good long while.