Today marks one month since we found out Taylin had passed... I am doing 3000 times better than I ever thought I would. I am truly at peace with her leaving us. Yes, its sad, and of course I would much rather be pregnant than not. But I am very ok with her passing, and know she is in the most beautiful place a person can be.
I wonder if I am not grieving properly sometimes. Like maybe I have buried this pain too deep, and am unable to feel anymore? But every time I search my soul, I just feel peace. A peace only a person who knows the Lord could know. My baby was not mine to have. She was Gods child, and God took her back. I am ok with this in every single way possible.
Now, since her passing I have noticed something. Every day I see a white butterfly. The day we buried her, there was one white butterfly hovering around her grave. It was there the entire time me and Andy were. We sat there for a long time, talking to her. When we got up, the butterfly flew away. When I go to her grave, there is always a white butterfly there. When I go outside, at least once a day, I see a white butterfly. I don't care if people think I am nuts...to me this is a sign that she is there, always with us in some way. Its so cliche, i know. But its somethign that brings me neverending joy and comfort.
Also, in the corner of my yard stands a rosebush that we pruned to death, lol. Its only one stem. Andy and I both noticed on the same day that there was one single rose on this one single stem on this quite unhealthy looking bush. a few days later, there was another beautiful blossom. Seeing as how Taylin is buried underneath a rosebush, Andy and I took so much comfort in seeing this tiny little stem produce two healthy flowers. To us, it is symbolic of Taylins life, our realtionship, and the possibilty of us concieving again. In fact, we both thought it meant we were gonna have twins! ;)
One month... one month of many. And little baby, we love you more every day. We will see you in Heaven! Oh, and I really hope that you and George the Bunny are having the time of your life up there!
