Im only a little crazy...

Born Silent on May 30, 2009 at 15 weeks.

This is detailed, so beware of that.

Thursday night, I started have a terrible pain in my left side. I kinda thought it was ligament pain, but it wouldn't let up. By the late night, I had begun to feel crampy. The next morning it was still there, so I made an appt. with my doc. At the office, we could not find the heartbeat. I am fluffy, so Dr was not too terrible concerned, but he rushed us off to the ultrasound for peace of mind, and to check my ovary which he suspected may have been the culprit of the left side pain.

At the ultrasound, when she passed over the baby I kew right then and there she was gone. There was no movement, no flicker. I stared at the ceiling praying, and I asked the tech if she was gone. She said Im sorry, but I don't see a heartbeat. I screamed, and screamed and screamed. By husband and my kids were there too. My Son, who is 6, was screaming "Why is mommy crying daddy?" Neither of us could answer. DH was crying so hard... After the radiologist came in to confirm, they called my doctor and I spoke with him about my options.

We chose to induce and give birth. I was adiment that i would take her remains home with us and give her a proper burial and service. We went straight the hospital, where they gave me cervadil to induce the labor. I have to say that everyone was so wonderful and kind. It took about 7 hours, and a second dose of cervadil, and a buttload of pain meds, but I delivered her at around 1:00 am on Saturday morning. The doc came and helped remove the placenta which was kind of lodged in there behind my cervix. That was the most uncomfortable part, but I was glad they did that. I did not want to have to go through any procedures.

The nurse brought us a beautiful little box with a handsewn pillow and blanket to put her in. I believe that I actually got to hold a real angel in my hands. I was surprised that DH held her too. It was hard to tell the sex. She was so tiny, as she had stopped growing around 11 weeks (according to the US measurements.) But she defiently had not passed more than a day or two before... she was white, but not decayed at all. Just perfect.She was perfect in every way. All her fingers and toes were there... a little nose and mouth, and even little ears. I could even see her little umbilical cord Tiny, but perfect. They kept me overnight and gave me some ambien to sleep. I actually slept fairly well considering.

We were released that morning, and thankfully were able to take her with us. I was given the option to have her taken to pathology for testing, but I wanted her home where she belonged. The reason she passed makes no difference to us at all. God takes us when he wants us. It was her time to go, and I am at peace with that in every way. Our pastor came that day, and blessed her little body and prayed with us. He really put us at ease.We were really blessed with a great nurse who herself had had a late miscarriage just two weeks prior. It was nice to have someone to ask the hard questions too, someone who remembered. She really pampered me, and I don't think I could have made it through without her kindness. She cried with us when Taylin was born.

Yesterday, May 31, 2009, we buried her in my In'laws garden. It was the most beautiful place I could think of... trust me this yard would put Better homes and gardens to shame. She is surrounded by the most beautiful plants and flowers you have ever seen. DH's parents also purchased a tree rose to plant over her... a white rose with pink tips. They smell amazing. We buried her in her little box with a picture of her family, a note about how much we love her, and a little tiny gold cross. We tied up the box with a pink ribbon and laid her in the ground. We thanked God for his mercy and prayed that he take her home.

As painful and horrible as this experience was, I cannot say that I am destroyed. In fact, I feel as if I had so much to learn from this. Life is amazingly short... and not to be taken for granted in any way. All those little things we get caught up in just don't matter in the big picture. I love my Boys even more fiercely than I did before. I love my family stronger. My husband and I are closer than we have ever been.

Her little life brought me more joy than words can describe. And although she was taken from us too early... I am thankful to the Lord that she was taken before she could feel any pain or hurt. She left this world without sin or ever having to feel tragedy or pain. That is the biggest miracle of all. Thank you for reading. I pray that Taylin Jo an angel in every form, can in some way help everyone who has ever suffered a loss.