Im only a little crazy...

The latch dance. Sometimes you partner is Fred Astaire, sometimes your partner is Chris Farley. Yesterday and this morning, my partner lived in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!

My nip feels bruised and beaten. He has been clamping down after latching... and woweeee does that smart! He's eating longer which is great but it almost feels like the first week all over again. My nips are ok, its just the surrounding area. I think the thrush isn't helping either.

Lefty is getting smaller and smaller and producing less milk. I think I need to start pumping again. I hate it, but my supply is showing signs of becoming minimal again. I ran out of blessed thistle and can't buy anymore until Friday... the fenugreek I think has run its course. 6 weeks of it... I think my body is getting used to it.

Which brings me to my next idea... i have tussled with it since day 1, but I think I am going to take a chance and order the Domperidone. I am nervous about it, as:

A. I don't want to become dependant on a medication
B. It's a bit shady to order
C. Long term affects are not documented in any way
D. Its expensive and may not work

But the chance of it working and giving me a full supply is very tantalizing indeed. I keep thinking if I just get that jump start on my supply then I have a chance of BF'ing exclusively. If only there was enough milk to make him full and happy, then he would be obliged to BF like a normal baby and his nursing alone could keep my supply optimal.

Truth is, neither of us trust in my breasts. I think he nurses for comfort, and for a quick snack. But he has come to expect that bottle at the end, and truly I use it as a crutch myself. I know he needs it, so I am more apt to end a BF session (or rather, quit re latching/waking etc...) knowing I want to get up and do some things around the house. I may nurse on demand, but I admit I am not patient enough to keep him there as long as he needs to be. Nor am I patient enough to continually rouse him to make him finish. I know I am not special in the way that I have other children and responsibilities... most mom's do as well. But I am unique in the fact that I am a bit high strung. And I hate to admit I have a bit of anxiety as the session wears on, and I am looking at my dirty house, thinking of dinner, dying of thirst, etc.... Because his latch is so poor, I am still unable to nurse him in a carrier. Hell I can barely nurse him sitting down with pillows and every other comfort. Once he achieves that good latch I try to remain as relaxed as possible and just let it happen. Easier said then done most days.

Well, 3 more days and we will have met the 6 week mark. It's kind of like D Day for me. I promised myself that I would not stop until that day. And while we have had improvement, we are still SO far from where I thought we would be. Even with all the "AHA" moments we still struggle daily. I am not ready to give up... but I am going to have a very good chat with myself on Thursday. I will reevaluate my priorities, my feelings, my drive behind this whole thing. That should be a long, rambly post indeed.


11:30 ish... Would like to say that there is NOTHING more painful than nursing your child for two hours straight with only about 10 minutes of break time, only to have them still be hungry and guzzle down 3 oz of formula. I fucking hate this. WHY GOD? Why????

7:20 pm. Well... looks like I wont make it to the 6 week mark. I am done BF. I cannot do this anymore. I am feeling too much frustration and angst, and its getting unhealthy. I will continue to pump, but I am done putting him to my breast only to be dissapointed over and over. Its time to be done now I think. I will elaborate more tomorrow...