Im only a little crazy...

Holy Shit, really? 9 months since I put my feelings out on "paper" and let it fly. Wow. No wonder I needed to see the chiropractor. All that energy. No good for the soul. I should know better.


Well. I Suppose the best news is:  This is almost EXACTLY (1 day shy) of my NON SMOKING ANNIVERSARY!!!  That's right! WE actually quit. Have not puffed on a thing since. Amazing, right?



Even MORE amazing... is that Dalton and I are still a nursing pair. That, to me, is even more mind blowing than coughing up the smokes. HA!
I still drink though.

Oh. You didn't know that. Huh,

One sweet, amazing accomplishment at a time, right?

YAY!!  I am hosting a scentsy party this week! Just a one time, online party to help out my friend Jessica!  SO... if you need some more Scentsy smells, or you have never checked it out  before, GO NOW!!!  Click JOEE"S PARTY on the right there, and shop!

Of course, I would be happy to field any questions you have!

https://jessburford.scentsy.us/Home

Remember.. click JOEES PARTY!!!

This is gonna come as a shock to those of you who just started reading this blog. Some may even be a little put-off or upset by the contents of this post. But I need a place to write to get through this, and I am not gonna start another blog! I have too many already! So I ask those of you who read this not to judge... and if you have something to say let it please be supportive!

I am a smoker. Yup, a real honest to goodness (pretty close to) a pack a day smoker. I have been smoking for 15 years. This is my filthy secret...my dirty filthy secret. I have only once seriously considered quitting smoking (pregnancy aside, of course) and that was 2 years ago...and I didn't make it one day. Here is that blog post: http://iamonlyalittlecrazy.blogspot.com/2009/06/i-need-to-quit.html

Everything I wrote in that post still stands true and strong. Those are still the reasons I want to quit, those are still the excuses in my head about why I don't want to quit. I think it's kind of funny that 2 years later absolutely nothing has changed in that aspect, while my life has changed so very much.

So what is different about today? Why is it going to work this time? Because I have a partner to do this with, that's why! Yup, my Hubby cakes is quitting too. In fact, it was his idea. I know I don't talk about Andy much here, but let me tell you this: for Andrew to step up on something like this is similar to the President guaranteeing a veto on a bill. Once he has spoken, so it shall be. He is, if anything, a Man of his word.

I was taken aback by his suggestion. After all, we had blabbed on about this many times before, but still went and bought smokes. I am not sure what was different this time? Maybe the look in his eyes, or the fact that we had to borrow $100 to get through another week, only to spend $40 of it on smokes? I think the guilt of that weighed so very heavy on our minds. And when we started chatting about what we could do with the money that we were spending on the damn sticks, it started to become very very clear to us. We realized that if we quit smoking today, in one year from now we could take our whole family (yes, even the kids!) on a week long cruise... that includes flights, souvenirs, the works. Yes. We have have been spending a Cruise a year on that filthy habit.

All of this was a week ago yesterday. We had just bought a carton of 99's by accident. Funny, usually our shorter smokes would last us 5 days tops. This carton lasted us until last night at around 6 pm. We decided that at the end of that carton would be the end of our smoking career. I have been waffling all week long... scared, bummed, angry, sad. I have been mind-fucking myself big time. But when I took that last drag, I knew it was time. I closed my eyes for a second, I pictured  my beautiful baby boys, and I knew that I had to quit right then. That was 13 hours ago, and not a smoke one has passed my lips.

I have taken each craving one at a time. Get through it, distract myself, breathe. I know that these next 10 days will be rough. I am going to try my best to not replace with another bad habit, specifically eating. I already feel myself wanting to snack...

I think it is safe to say, judging by the random, unorganized approach to this blog post, that my brain is frying. Thankfully it is supposed to fry for only a short while.

... cuz' we have a lot of it around this house. After having Ryan home almost all week last week, the babies caught the bug. Everit and Dalton fevered over the weekend and were left with snotty noses. I thought that was the end of it when the fevers broke, but now Everit is having tummy issues that are NOT for the faint of heart... we are talking full on carpet soaking blowouts here.

So last night, after feeling awful all day and dealing with Everit's GI issues, we had a break in the fun and I took a breath and sighed relief. ONLY to find him crying in his room with another poo-splosion... as I was getting him to the bathroom to get cleaned up Ryan comes running in with blood POURING and I mean POURING out of his nose. Blood was everywhere... in the carpet, on the couch, on the kitchen floor, and all over him. Thankfully Andy took that task on. Once his bleeding stopped we got him in a shower to  get cleaned up as well. Between 4 pm and 8 pm that shower was on 5 times... just to give you a hint at the destruction.)  By 8:30 babies were in bed, Ryan was chillin' and I went to bed as well praying for a peaceful night... fast forward to 11:30 pm.>>>>>>>>>>

Baby wakes up to nurse. His nose is so stuffy he can't stay latched on, so he pops on and off over and over until 2:30 am, when Everit ibegins screaming from his room. I fly out of bed, only to find him puking all over his floor. Get him cleaned up and get everything into the washing machine when I discover I am SO out of laundry soap its not funny. I pour water into all the empty containers and swish and pray I had enough to wash the smell out. Get Everit back to bed with the "fake" snuff. He wakes up at least 4 more times, thankfully Andy got up and did that call of duty as Dalton was back to trying to nurse again. I didn't fall  back asleep until 4, and it was a rough sleep at that. Fast forward to 6 am....

Everit is moaning in his room, bent over. He has the big D (don't mean Dallas!), AGAIN. Ryan runs from the bathroom holding his ear because it is killing him. Andy is in the bed making sure Dalton doesn't roll out. I shower Everit, get him on the bed cuddled up and warm... run to Ryan and give him eardrops hoping it will stop his pain. He is really really hurting, I can tell by his face. I run back to get Everit dressed. Somewhere in there I manage to make a pot of coffee. Get the babies to the living room, Ryan back in his room to get some rest, grab some coffee.

Its 8:30 now... Everit has had two more D incidents, and he is cramping when it happens now... crying and bent over. It is SO sad, I can't help him. I am trying to get him to drink as much as possible but as normal per kid, they don't wanna drink when they don't feel good.

My Grandma called and offered to help today... I DO need laundry soap, Pedialyte and wipes. So I think I may call them now and see if they can bring some stuff to the house. I will owe them big time, but I know I don't want to drag my babies out in 2 degree weather.

If you got the time, say a prayer for us. It's one heck of a day.

That's my excuse anyway, for not working out the last 5 days. I haven't even weighed in, although my waist measurement stayed exactly the same which tell me I have lost little to nothing. I have been quite diligent about my calories and my fat, coming in under the fat limit every single day... I guess I should bit the bullet and weigh myself in.

So I have tried different calorie levels on different days to see what my hunger level is at, how I feel, etc... I know I cannot just drop to 1500 and call it groovy.. I need to be careful to keep my body from holding onto the fat it doesn't need in a moment of panic. I have found that the 1800 calorie days keep me full, happy and feeling optimal. Anything less and I am hungry and feeling run down and overtired. BUT, as it appears at this moment in time, 1800 calorie days are not helping me at all. Crap. I am very close to ditching this weight loss thing until I can get off the meds and wean this little man. Not because I can't handle it, but because I think my body is rebelling against it.

AND to top of my frustration, I threw up this morning for no apparent reason. I feel very very tired and weak and icky... so it looks like the virus that all my babies shared has finally hit me...and I get the stomach version. Thanks kids!

I will post tomorrow about my weight loss/gain and what I decide to do about it. I am not giving up, but it just may not be the right thing to do right now, right? I am not sure.

Oooh am I ever sore. A good sore. I feel it in my legs mostly, but in my arms too. And I noticed that I did not have the same hip and back pain I usually wake up with every morning. Feeeel the burn!

I came in just under 1800 calories yesterday, and also managed to keep my fat within range as well. I am a little nervous about cutting back so fast but I just don't have the variety of foods in the house to jump the calories without the fat involved. I guess time will tell what this may do to my supply. I am going to shoot for 2000 today, by planning a little more ahead. I was really surprised by how NOT hungry I was yesterday. For so long I have loaded up on huge breakfasts, snacked until dinnertime and scarfed again. I guess there is something to the "eat small meals" idea. I never thought I could do it, but here I am no worse for the wear!

I would like to reiterate, to myself and to others that I am not dieting... I am not making irrational food choices, replacing any meals with liquids, swallowing pills or even shaking powder on my food. I am changing my entire lifestyle. Right now it is about calorie counting and measuring portions because I need to learn what a real serving size is. I need to understand the difference between a chicken nugget and a real chicken breast. What I used to consider a normal size salad I realize now could have been an entire meal in itself. I need to educate myself on what healthy choices are, how to choose them, how to control my food intake. This is not going to be my "thing" this is going to be my LIFE. I don't plan on ending this when I have lost my weight... I plan on doing this for the duration. I am not getting any younger and my body is not going to bounce back on it's own anymore. This will require discipline from me. I must rebel against by gluttonous, overindulging nature. I hope to make it a habit and never again give it a second thought.

And on a final thought... for the first time in my life I am losing weight for me.  My Andrew loves me just the way I am, and could care less if I lost 50 or stayed right where I was. I not only believe those words from his mouth, I feel those words through his love. I am loved, supported and have the best cheerleaders in the world.

I CAN DO THIS.

I CAN DO THIS.

I CAN DO THIS.

I managed to just eek in under 2100 calories yesterday! GO ME! And I am at only 1100 today, figuring in dinner. So here is something very odd... I am NOT hungry! I have not only calories to spare, but fat as well! My sodium was way down too. Wow... and it wasn't hard or unpleasant!

I CAN DO THIS!!!

30 minutes on Wii Fit! Did running for 10 minutes, boxing, hula hoop, rythmn kung fu and boxing. LOVE the running!

OH and I will have Andy take a "Biggest loser" style pic of me tonight, and I will post here on the blog... and maybe one every 2 weeks or so? 

I CAN DO THIS!!!!