Im only a little crazy...

.. and a new Beginning!

So Blah, I never blog. LOL. You would think that as much as I love to share my thoughts I would keep up with it.

So I am going to dedicate my blog, temporarily, to my pregnancy. This is, after all, my very last one. And its not entirely trouble free, which makes at the very least a semi-interesting read.

So some background, I am 32 weeks and some days today. At 24 weeks, I ended up going to L&D for some contractions and general ickiness... turns out I had a bacterial infection. 1 round of some seriously crappy antibiotics later, the infection was gone ALONG with every good bacteria my body had. Since that time, my digestive system has been less than happy to say the least.

A few weeks ago at my normal appointment my BP was up. My baseline for this pregnancy had been 120/80. I read a 138/85. Protein was at a trace in my urine. The next day, I felt awful. I was weak, and tired and dizzy all day. I brushed it off as a bad day. That next day, I woke up feeling the same awful feeling. I drug myself to Wal Mart for a few things, and stopped at the BP machine just to check. My BP was 159/95. I called my doc, who promptly sent me to L&D to get checked out.

At L&D, my BP fluctuated for some time. Eventually it took a slow decline to above baseline, but manageable readings. I was contracting irregularly. In the meantime they checked me for another infection (negative) and dilation (closed and high). There was nothing else that concerned them. They sent me home and said Rest.

The week after I followed up with my Doc,. My BP had risen to a steady 148/84. He said to go home and rest. I plagued him with questions about all of this. Was I going to get Pre E? Medications? What about the baby? etc... to which he replied, well, your not going to get to your due date that's for sure. We will watch you close. Call if anything gets worse. Go home and rest.

That Friday (about 4 days after that appt.) I woke up with terrible cramping, Diarrhea, contractions, nausea, dizziness, etc... felt HORRIBLE. I called the docs office, and he called back within the hour. I explained how i felt, and he said....... STOP EATING DAIRY. Uhhh,,, what? im sorry, did you say stop eating dairy? As if dairy products have suddenly after 32 years become my mortal enemy? Causing contractions and HBP? I was crushed. Crushed that I was being given a brush off by a Man I trusted. I proceeded to eat dairy as usual, contract for most of the day, and get through it. I was close to going to L&D but the thought of being laughed at was too much. So I rode it out.

Since that day, I have been very aware of a few things:

1. My BP is spiking more and more often. Especially with activity. And when it spikes, its staying elevated longer.

2. The contractions are getting more painful, occurring more often, and if ever so slowly, becoming closer and closer together. I can easily tell the difference between a BH and real one now.

3. My Digestive system is behaving as it has since that antibiotic. Nothing new there. And I am still eating the shit out of dairy.

4. My Carpal tunnel is getting worse by the day. My hands are numb/tingling almost 24/7.

5. Swelling is happening earlier and earlier. Before my feet would swell around 4 pm or later. I am now swollen by 10 am, and my ankles and calves and swelling too. I need only bump my hands and they will pit. I do not appear POOFY persay, but the swelling is there.

SO my concern is that I am slowly developing Pre Eclampsia, which is bad. And since my doc is so loathe to offer information these days (his personality has changed drastically these last few months) I was forced to do my own research. I found a forum on a pre e website that has a wealth of information, and real life experiences that I feel give me a good base of knowledge. Granted, these ladies are mostly experiencing worst case scenarios. So i am getting myself all worked up (I will admit that.)

The main thing about this disease its, its silent. It can creep up on you in a matter of hours, minutes, days, weeks or even months. The signs may be so subtle as to fly under the radar undetected (or un appreciated). All the while your body and your baby is slowly suffering the affects. There are proactive steps that can be taken to look closer at whether or not there is damage being done... such as blood tests, 24 hour urine catch and US's to check baby for growth and the placenta for issues. But how do you ask a doctor to do these things? Surely he KNOWS whats best, right? If he finds no cause for immediate concern, why should I?

My issue is not so much doctor trust, as it is my own mental status. Should I peak and end up with an emergency section and a preemie due to this I will forever regret not being more opinionated about my care. If i push all of this testing, and nothing is wrong, i will be the crazy hypochondriac crazy lady that all doctors hate. I don't want to be in either position.

I am in limbo... and for a bossy control freak like myself, its the worst place to be. EVER. I have made the choice to be upbeat and positive about whats going on. But the stress and worry is wearing on me. I want this to be taken seriously, and want to know WTF is going on. I would rather have a preemie whos care could be taken control of outside of the womb then have him succumb to a failing placenta. I would rather be put on a slightly risky medication to control this BP OR DELIVER EARLY then have a seizure at home when I am by myself with just the boys.

Now i know that the longer he cooks, the better off he will be. I don't need to be told this. a preemie is a sad and hard situation for everyone. But I am not afraid to admit that I would prefer this to another month or more of waiting, worrying, wondering, on edge all the time. Especially when the risks for placental issues are so high.

Damn it felt good to get this out. I may post a few times or more a day just to vent and get my mind off of it.

Well yesterday did not go as planned. My friend Maria had other priorities... so I got stood up. S'ok... kinda expected that anyway.

Made a beef stew that turned out wonderful.

It was a nice day though. The boys were in a good mood as was I. We had fun at Wally World, and of course Ryan talked me into a new DS game. I feel like its a waste, but its the one thing he actually plays with on a daily basis. And he is SUCH a good boy I can't deny him happiness.

TODAY.. well lemme start by saying I am once again sleep deprived and extremely tired and all the other bad things that go along with it. I cannot continue on like this. My body hurts, my head hurts, my soul hurts. Days Like this I feel like getting pregnant was a HUGE mistake and I am not gonna be able to cope when this baby comes.

Lord give me strength, or at least SOME SLEEP. If I GOT SLEEP then I wouldn't need strength, right? Riiiight.

So we are gonna go to Bananas today. My friend wants to cut my hair this afternoon. And not to be a dick about it, but I am not in the mood for company. I am praying the boys play extra hard and we can all nap when we get home. This is what we need.

So begins Spring break for Squidman. 8 straight days of being at homeyness... will we survive? Its hard to say.

Today we have a small event... ok well two. Run to the store, and HOPEFULLY my friend Maria comes to trim my hair, bringing with her Ryan's former schoolmate Omiah. And of course Micah (Omiahs little brother.) Hopefully this will yield positive results! The boys can tear up the house whilst I get beautified! Looking forward to seeing my crazy ass friend!

Tomorrow is a bit up in the air. Depending on Maria's schedule, and if I can manage to coordinate with my cousin Kellye, we may be going to Bananas (a local overpriced and overrated fun park.) If Bananas is not happening, I may load up and take the boys to the community pool for germs and whatnot. Swimming is awesome exercise. And swimming in urine I hear can help you look younger!

Wednesday should be chill. I will need to get some laundry done, and surely will need to put my house back together after 2 days of boy happiness. In the afternoon time I will stop by Sonic and pick up lunch for my grandparents and take Squiddles McSquiddly to their house for an overnight er. Spend a few hours than come home and RELAX for a few before Andrew gets home!

Thursday will be eventful. Me and the Stink have a doc appointment at 11:00 am... after that we will go treat ourselves to a lunch! That is provided my Son does not do the "OMG I CANT DO ANOTHER MINUTE IN THE CAR" screaming session. Again, staying optimistic and holding out for good results. Maybe I can even find another adult human to have lunch with? Eh... lets not wish for to much at one time, shall we? I will pick up Squid Squid Bo Bid in the afternoon sometime! And begin the G-Unit deprogramming session. Always an adventure.

Friday is COMPLETELY open thus far and I have no idea what will happen. I was seriously considering taking the boys to see a movie. But then I remembered who my children were, namely the toddler, and thought better of it. Can't exactly expect the Stink to sit in a theater for an entire film... can't fathom leaving Ryan by himself in a theater while I am forced to remove said toddler. So, yeah. I am guessing this will probably not happen. But man does theater popcorn sound good. Wish we could sneak in just to buy a tub of the stuff and leave!

So if I don't get lame like I ALWAYS DO I will try to update daily about my goings on...

Let me start by saying, I am thankful, thankful, thankful to be pregnant. So don't any of my 2 readers (am I being generous there) think I am unhappy or ungrateful...but I gotta vent.

Ryan has brought home yet another cold, which I promptly caught. My doctor, who I love and trust to pieces is on the conservative side when it comes to meds, so he basically refuses to assist in any way. NOT that there are so many options for a knocked up lady... but hell anything would be better than what I have for defense now, which is basically nothing. Hot tea. Orange Juice. Soft tissues. Sleeping sitting up. Yeah.

So here I am, 5 long nights into this unrelenting congestion. I CANNOT sleep to save my life. I get 30 minute to 1 hour stretches. Thats it. Then its awake for another hour or so, then back to sleep. Add in hip pain and my overactive bladder, yeah. Im getting maybe 4 hours a night.

Yesterday, the exhaustion and the hormones decided to get together and have a party. So I was on the brink of despair all day long. Everything made me cry. Everything made me mad. And you know, once you get into the self destructive path, theres no stopping the snowball of bad consequences.

Kudos to my Andy, who let me alone. He asked about my day, I said you don't wanna know how bad it really was. He asked if he could help. I said, yeah... Im going to bed after I make dinner. Bless the man, he nodded his head, ate his dinner, kissed me good night and I didn't hear a word from him until this morning. Im glad he knows when I need to be alone. Any sort of communication with me last night more than likely would not have ended well.

Well this is a new day. I feel terrible, I am still beyond tired, I think last night was one of the worst nights for sleep this week. But I refuse to allow the negativity overwhelm me today. Its payday, we need some things. Maybe a little retail therapy will take my mind of my misery!

OH, and I promise to blog more :::eyeroll:::

A day made for pregnant people.... well ok. I don't even know that the hell Fat Tuesday means... but I have decided that THIS year, Fat Tuesday means Joee can eat anything she wants all day long and end up laying on the couch like a giant impregnated blob of flesh.

Hell yeah!

I am going to testify to this today!

Oh Friday I woke up with a terrible pain in my side. Not usually alarming for a pregnancy, as everything seems to hurt. However, it was the exact pain I had felt on the Day we discovered Taylin had gone to heaven. I was hysterical, naturally.

I laid down, tried to relax. Did a few stretches to see if maybe it was muscle pain. Nothing would help. I took a deep breath and called my doc, who told me to come in. I called Andy and got the boys ready to rock. In the inbetweens I posted on Facebook and Pregnancy.ORG to my friends and family to please pray. I prayed...I prayed all the way there...I prayed in the waiting room. I cried. And I prayed.

Finally the doc comes in. I explain whats going on, and he wastes NO time putting that doppler on my belly.... PRAISE GOD IN HEAVEN. It was an immediate strong heartbeat in the 150's. I burst out in tears of joy. The sweetest sound I have ever heard in my life.

So Doc and I are both confused on what caused it. He was concerned of my gallbladder, but I still don't have one symptom indicating anything is wrong. By the time I got home, that pain was gone. GONE. Just a residual ache and tenderness was all.

So here is the amazing part: I get home and pop onto the interwebz to announce the good news. There must have been 30 or more posts!!! Everyone saying prayers and good vibes and hopes for a good outcome. I think I cried harder than I have in a very long time.

And it hit me then. The POWER of prayer. The immense, undeniable power. I felt peace then. And, like magic, this little baby was wiggling around all afternoon. Comfort, peace, and an amazingly acute realization that PRAYER is the most powerful tool we have as People today.

Thank you to all who prayed for us that day. And for praying for everything that you pray for. Sometimes I do not remember that one tiny little voice can make a difference in the scheme of things. And then something like this happens, and you have no choice but to understand.

GOD IS GOOD.