Im only a little crazy...

.. and a new Beginning!

So Blah, I never blog. LOL. You would think that as much as I love to share my thoughts I would keep up with it.

So I am going to dedicate my blog, temporarily, to my pregnancy. This is, after all, my very last one. And its not entirely trouble free, which makes at the very least a semi-interesting read.

So some background, I am 32 weeks and some days today. At 24 weeks, I ended up going to L&D for some contractions and general ickiness... turns out I had a bacterial infection. 1 round of some seriously crappy antibiotics later, the infection was gone ALONG with every good bacteria my body had. Since that time, my digestive system has been less than happy to say the least.

A few weeks ago at my normal appointment my BP was up. My baseline for this pregnancy had been 120/80. I read a 138/85. Protein was at a trace in my urine. The next day, I felt awful. I was weak, and tired and dizzy all day. I brushed it off as a bad day. That next day, I woke up feeling the same awful feeling. I drug myself to Wal Mart for a few things, and stopped at the BP machine just to check. My BP was 159/95. I called my doc, who promptly sent me to L&D to get checked out.

At L&D, my BP fluctuated for some time. Eventually it took a slow decline to above baseline, but manageable readings. I was contracting irregularly. In the meantime they checked me for another infection (negative) and dilation (closed and high). There was nothing else that concerned them. They sent me home and said Rest.

The week after I followed up with my Doc,. My BP had risen to a steady 148/84. He said to go home and rest. I plagued him with questions about all of this. Was I going to get Pre E? Medications? What about the baby? etc... to which he replied, well, your not going to get to your due date that's for sure. We will watch you close. Call if anything gets worse. Go home and rest.

That Friday (about 4 days after that appt.) I woke up with terrible cramping, Diarrhea, contractions, nausea, dizziness, etc... felt HORRIBLE. I called the docs office, and he called back within the hour. I explained how i felt, and he said....... STOP EATING DAIRY. Uhhh,,, what? im sorry, did you say stop eating dairy? As if dairy products have suddenly after 32 years become my mortal enemy? Causing contractions and HBP? I was crushed. Crushed that I was being given a brush off by a Man I trusted. I proceeded to eat dairy as usual, contract for most of the day, and get through it. I was close to going to L&D but the thought of being laughed at was too much. So I rode it out.

Since that day, I have been very aware of a few things:

1. My BP is spiking more and more often. Especially with activity. And when it spikes, its staying elevated longer.

2. The contractions are getting more painful, occurring more often, and if ever so slowly, becoming closer and closer together. I can easily tell the difference between a BH and real one now.

3. My Digestive system is behaving as it has since that antibiotic. Nothing new there. And I am still eating the shit out of dairy.

4. My Carpal tunnel is getting worse by the day. My hands are numb/tingling almost 24/7.

5. Swelling is happening earlier and earlier. Before my feet would swell around 4 pm or later. I am now swollen by 10 am, and my ankles and calves and swelling too. I need only bump my hands and they will pit. I do not appear POOFY persay, but the swelling is there.

SO my concern is that I am slowly developing Pre Eclampsia, which is bad. And since my doc is so loathe to offer information these days (his personality has changed drastically these last few months) I was forced to do my own research. I found a forum on a pre e website that has a wealth of information, and real life experiences that I feel give me a good base of knowledge. Granted, these ladies are mostly experiencing worst case scenarios. So i am getting myself all worked up (I will admit that.)

The main thing about this disease its, its silent. It can creep up on you in a matter of hours, minutes, days, weeks or even months. The signs may be so subtle as to fly under the radar undetected (or un appreciated). All the while your body and your baby is slowly suffering the affects. There are proactive steps that can be taken to look closer at whether or not there is damage being done... such as blood tests, 24 hour urine catch and US's to check baby for growth and the placenta for issues. But how do you ask a doctor to do these things? Surely he KNOWS whats best, right? If he finds no cause for immediate concern, why should I?

My issue is not so much doctor trust, as it is my own mental status. Should I peak and end up with an emergency section and a preemie due to this I will forever regret not being more opinionated about my care. If i push all of this testing, and nothing is wrong, i will be the crazy hypochondriac crazy lady that all doctors hate. I don't want to be in either position.

I am in limbo... and for a bossy control freak like myself, its the worst place to be. EVER. I have made the choice to be upbeat and positive about whats going on. But the stress and worry is wearing on me. I want this to be taken seriously, and want to know WTF is going on. I would rather have a preemie whos care could be taken control of outside of the womb then have him succumb to a failing placenta. I would rather be put on a slightly risky medication to control this BP OR DELIVER EARLY then have a seizure at home when I am by myself with just the boys.

Now i know that the longer he cooks, the better off he will be. I don't need to be told this. a preemie is a sad and hard situation for everyone. But I am not afraid to admit that I would prefer this to another month or more of waiting, worrying, wondering, on edge all the time. Especially when the risks for placental issues are so high.

Damn it felt good to get this out. I may post a few times or more a day just to vent and get my mind off of it.