Im only a little crazy...

...the unexpected is literally around every curve.

This is, in truth, my 6th pregnancy. As of right now, my losses outnumber my living children. What a sad realization that is. Life is delicate. But understanding this does not prevent one from becoming jaded. Add a second trimester loss to the mix, and you have a guarantee of never feeling confidence again (concerning the pregnancy that is.)

As this pregnancy progresses I clamor onto every tiny little milestone. Getting past that 15th week was huge for me and I celebrated silently in my own mind. Every single day I hold my phone in my hand getting so close to dialing my doctors number and begging for a quick heartbeat check, only to put the phone down. Stubborn determination to NOT allow the "What Ifs" to swallow me whole.

This baby does NOT like to move all that often. OR, I am mentally blocking this out somehow, writing off most of it to gas and other bodily functions. At night I lie awake praying that maybe its just a night owl, but rarely do I feel a bump or nudge. I drink 2-3 glasses of Orange Juice a day hoping that sugar rush will prompt a tap dance. Nope. Just a niggle here and a push there. So I ask Andy last night if Everit moved more at this time. Much to my relief, he said "No baby, not really. When he DID move it was very strong and you tried to get me to feel it from the outside... but it was not often at all." Well, that makes me feel a bit better about the whole thing. I stress a BIT.

So my biggest issue within my own silly mind is, I have not prayed a whole lot for this baby. Strange I know... but I just feel like God has a plan regardless of how hard I pray about it. If this baby is meant to be here on earth then it shall. This goes against everything I know about my religion... we PRAY. We pray so God knows our needs and desires. We pray so miracles happen. We PRAY. And yet, I don't say much. I don't bargain with God anymore (i.e. Lord, let this baby live and I will stop cussing for good.) In fact most of the prayers I have prayed have been something along the lines of "Lord, if this child is not mine to have, please allow me to go into labor this very minute. Allow me to be done. I cannot endure another 'missed miscarriage'."
Its sad.

So I know this behavior is very unlike me. And I need to undo this mental block I have. I need to pray NOT for the baby, but for myself. I need to open my heart to this Little One, and allow myself to bond with it somehow. I keep thinking that the Big US day will change all this and open my heart. I will PRAY for inner peace about this. And then I can pray for the baby. Then I can feel those movements and be confident. THEN I can be properly excited.

One more week. ONE more week.

Yeah So I can't seem to keep my blog updated to save my life. I must be boring. LOL... no I KNOW I am boring. But I digress....

Things have changed dramatically yet again in my life, only for the good this time.

On October 30th, 2009, we discovered I was pregnant again! Thank you Lord! Another chance at completing the family we love so dearly. And ironically enough, It was a TWIN cycle with Everits pregnancy. LMO (last menstrual period) was on October 7th... and due date is July 15th! My dear doc, who has delivered a buttload of babies said he has never in his career seen someone have two identical cycles! Cool!

We had an ultrasound at around 9 weeks. ONE Baby looked good and healthy. All checkups since then have proved to have a heartbeat. VERY VERY hard to find heartbeat, but there and strong.
On February 11th, we will have our BIG ultrasound to find out what we are having!!! All signs point to BOY. I would LOVE a girl, but I will take what the good Lord gives. He knows best! And to be a Mom to 3 princes would be an honor indeed!

I am 17 weeks tomorrow... and so far I have been a giant ball of nerves about this pregnancy. The worst part by far is the lack of movement. I SWEAR I could feel the boys much more by this time. The bumps are few and far between. I try SO hard not to read into it.. I could feel Taylin SO strong before I lost her... and heck she wasn't even big enough to make a dent! I have a feeling I am mentally blocking this out until we see this baby on the US moving and squirming. Once I can relax and know that this baby is here to stay, I may feel some more.

AND!!! WE MOVED!!! OMG WE MOVED!!! A cute little 3 bed 2 bath on the North end of town. Perfect for our family. Great, quiet little neighborhood. Ryan started at a new school yesterday. and I think this is gonna be SUCH a good thing for him. Its a fantastic school with very organized, accomplished teachers. He is in a class that is a mix of both 1st and 2nd graders, so he will have that opportunity to advance and fulfill his already immense potential.

The last 6 months have been the most trying of my life. I will save that for another post, as I have so many feelings about what I endured and what I learned, and what problems I caused for myself and my family.

So, here's to another fresh start. Praying the peace stays around for a good long while.

Ugh. I do hate Mondays. And the funny thing is, when we decided I was to be a SAHM, I thought the weeks and days would no longer matter. HAHA!! I still feel the pain of the Monday.

This morning Ryan was as stubborn as ever (have I ever mentioned how much I HATE having to get him up and ready for school?) He refused to get out of bed, and when he did he decided to move at a snails pace and change his clothes twice. THEN he thought he needed to spike his hair. I obliged, letting him know that he may in fact be late to school and I was NOT going to write him an excuse for it. He took the chance. So I did it. And he hated it. So HE did it. And it looked like something out of a bad 80's movie...no joke. All mullety and ugh, so bad. I had to tell him! I mean, really... no respectable Mother would let her child go to school looking like that. Well, I was as gentle as I could be, but it was devasating to him none the less. So I took a deep breath, drank a giant gulp of coffee and just went away. He fixed his hair again. It was not as bad as the first Doo, however I still had to squint my eyes when I looked at it. I think in the real world, thats called compromise. In a parents world, its called defeat. Ryan 1, Mom 0.

Last weekend Andy took me too see Paranormal Activity! So the question is... was it as scary as they make it look?

Answer: YES. And then some.

Now, I refuse to be a spoiler. Because It would have been heartbreaking had someone spoiled it for me.

But I will offer my opinion on the movie... and please if you have seen it, feel free to comment and we can discuss!

It is not a traditional scary like Halloween or Nightmare on Elm street. Blood and Gore are not needed in this film to scare the very pants off you. This movie is frightening because of one reason only: It HAS happened to people, and realistically, it could happen to you. The appeal of this film is the Blair Witch-Esq approach. A constant tension builder that refuses to let you relax for fear of what may happen next. It is predictable in its own right... but that does not take away from the fright factor in any way.

On a scale from 1-10, I give it a 9.

AND PLEASE TAKE THE POLL AT THE BOTTOM OF MY PAGE!

After reading all the back posts, i was QUITE disenchanted with my blog. It was whiny and annoying to read. Sure sure, life has been poopy to say the least. But that's no reason to make a boring blog!

And so, i have decided to make a structure for my Blog in effort to not only make it enjoyable, but make me explore the other side of life (ya know! the one that doesn't always involve me and my own drama?)

So here is what I have come up with... subject to change at any given time because its MY damn blog and I will do whatever the hell I WANT! *ahem*

without further ado... i present....

FLIPPIN MONDAY!
Face it, Mondays suck balls and no one likes em. And they suck balls. So this is my rant, rave, whine, whatevers irritating me day. Anything from personal issues to irritating news articles.

TAKE MY CHILDREN! TUESDAYS
Whats new in the world of toddler hood? What on earth did Ryan say today? Explore the world of my kids... Gifted, talented, full of energy!

WTF WEDNESDAY?
This should be the funnest day of all! I will scour the interwebz for the silliest, craziest, and DUMBEST stuff evers. And of course add my witty commentary (isn't THIS what you read my blog for anyway?)

TONE IT DOWN THURSDAYS
We are all antsy for the weekend by now. But its not here yet! So chill out, and enjoy a nice calm read. Christianity, inspirational stories, fuzzy bunnies and rainbows and unicorns!

FREAKY FRIDAYS!
So its no mystery that I am OBSESSED with the paranormal! Friday I will explore that world! Topics will include but not be limited too: Ghosts, spirits, demons, psychics, intuition, latest paranormal show reviews, etc...

Saturday and Sunday will be blog free... I mean I gotta give everyone else who blogs a chance, right? AAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

And waiting and waiting and waiting.

Waiting for money to be saved.

Waiting for a house to be purchased.

Waiting for good news to come our way.

But the worst of it, is waiting to be pregnant again. NO I mean waiting to even TRY! Its bad enough when you are trying and waiting for those two lines to pop up. BUT to not even be trying, and wanting? And waiting.

I am not doing ok with this. I want to be pregnant again. I am ready for another baby.

I don't want to wait anymore. I am done waiting.

WHAT THE FUCK are we waiting for anyway? Why? Is there really a good time to start trying? WHY THE FUCK MUST I WAIT?

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

that I am still going through the grieving process. Grieving for my baby, and for my sense of self that was lost when we moved here. I am happy to report that I feel much more positive today. Maybe yesterday was more cathartic than destructive.

I understand that I need to be more vocal (whether it be here on my blog or with friends or family) about my feelings and not let them sit inside and rot me away slowly. I think I understand that having emotions (other than happiness and contentment) are indeed healthy and it is OK to have them now and again.

I think I understand that I am not a superwoman. I am not capable of being perfect every day. I cannot act as I am.

I KNOW that my children and husband are not perfect, always have. I need to accept my own faults as I accept theirs. There IS room for failure. And I need to know that once in a while I may be the one who failed.

I need to trust in the Lord, and not question his way. Because there is only HIS way.

Peace, sweet peace, please flood over me as you have done before. Jesus hold me until this bad part of my life goes away. Help me to see the whole picture, and not just my own page. AMEN.