Im only a little crazy...

And waiting and waiting and waiting.

Waiting for money to be saved.

Waiting for a house to be purchased.

Waiting for good news to come our way.

But the worst of it, is waiting to be pregnant again. NO I mean waiting to even TRY! Its bad enough when you are trying and waiting for those two lines to pop up. BUT to not even be trying, and wanting? And waiting.

I am not doing ok with this. I want to be pregnant again. I am ready for another baby.

I don't want to wait anymore. I am done waiting.

WHAT THE FUCK are we waiting for anyway? Why? Is there really a good time to start trying? WHY THE FUCK MUST I WAIT?

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

that I am still going through the grieving process. Grieving for my baby, and for my sense of self that was lost when we moved here. I am happy to report that I feel much more positive today. Maybe yesterday was more cathartic than destructive.

I understand that I need to be more vocal (whether it be here on my blog or with friends or family) about my feelings and not let them sit inside and rot me away slowly. I think I understand that having emotions (other than happiness and contentment) are indeed healthy and it is OK to have them now and again.

I think I understand that I am not a superwoman. I am not capable of being perfect every day. I cannot act as I am.

I KNOW that my children and husband are not perfect, always have. I need to accept my own faults as I accept theirs. There IS room for failure. And I need to know that once in a while I may be the one who failed.

I need to trust in the Lord, and not question his way. Because there is only HIS way.

Peace, sweet peace, please flood over me as you have done before. Jesus hold me until this bad part of my life goes away. Help me to see the whole picture, and not just my own page. AMEN.

This is copied from a post on the ORG... yes, its mine.

I hate that I feel so empty inside right now. You would think, really, that with two beautiful children I would feel more grateful. But I don't, not right now at least. I hurt, more than anyone could ever know I hurt. I feel robbed. Robbed of my baby, robbed of my home, robbed of my happiness.

Yesh, I know, good things will come. I KNOW its just a bump in the road. I KNOW THIS. I HATE IT just the same. I feel like I am outside of myself, looking down at my life. All the while shaking my head, wondering what I did to deserve all of this pain and heartache. If I sound ungrateful, its because right now I really feel like I am. If I sound like a selfish, self serving brat thats because I feel like that right now. I am sick of being thankful, because it gets me nowhere. I am sick of being optimistic, because it does not change the outcome. I am sick of wondering what could have been, because it wasn't and I can never go back.

All day yesterday I was so cold, so empty. I did not want to be around another living soul. And DH kept coming to me, trying to comfort. All I wanted to do was hit him and tell him to go away. I felt no comfort, I only felt emberassed because I was so depressed. Like, I am not allowed to feel that way. They depend on me to be the outgoing personality, the one who says its gonna be ok. Well, from my side of the porch, things are NOT ok, I am not happy, and I do not want to act like I am anymore.

I pray every day. For something. Anything. And as much as I love the Lord, I get so upset with him sometimes. Because HE CAN SEE me crying, hurting. And he just waits. Piles on the stress, piles on the bad outcomes, and waits. What gets me the most is I WILL look back one day and I will know there was a reason for this. But right now I cannot see the forest for the trees. Dear God I need a break. I need a break.

Well so much for being irritable. Well, I still am, but today is cry day. I cried when I dropped Ryan off to school... I cried on the shower when I ran out of conditioner, lol.

Symptoms Check!

Backache... check

Crampy feeling... check

Sore BB's... check

Nausea!... back again and check

Achy hip joints... new and check

Creamy cm... check and check

So I have POAS a few times... I see the faintest (and I mean faintest) possible line you can imagine. But its there just the same. Its not enough to make me call it, by any means., But it does give me the faintest glimmer of hope. And I cannot POAS again until Monday, which is good lol.

Praying that this is a good weekend. I just dont need another downer. Sunday is the 3 month Anniversary of Taylins death. Great. Looking forward to that one.

5-6 DPO

I want to start out by saying, WOOHOO! I feel like poop! LOL... have had the runs all day. Yesterday my cramping was really bad, all the way into the evening. I got up twice again to pee last night.

I am less moody today though, thats good. Kids survived yesterday, although just barely. I even barked at my MIL (oops) followed by a very feverent apology.

Heartburn started after I had my first cup of coffee.

I am craving bratwurst, which I had for breakfast lol. (enter more heartburn). I also put spicy mustard on my bagel too...

Nips are sore! Way sore. And I may be seeing things, but everything looks more pronounced in the chesty area....

The pinching/cramping/pulling/aching continues on as before. Dull, but there.

When can I test again?????? UGH... i think I am going to go to Dollar tree today lol. I KNOW I swore I wouldn't!!! But the urge to POAS is too much for me to bear right now.

CD 17, 3-4 DPO (who really ever knows, right?)

Woke up raging irritated this morning. I have a bad attitude, and no patience for anyone or anything. Say a little prayer for my kids...they may need it today.

That dull ache/twinge/pull is still there, ever present. I STILL feel like AF should be here right now. Like I have everything BUT the bleeding part. The tummy ache, the backache, the irritability.

OH and I woke up to two nice big zits on my chin, lol. Yeah, this is by far the strangest cycle of my life.

Last night I got up twice to pee. This morning I was hurting I had to pee so bad!

So, to be clear about this... I hope I am pregnant, of course. But if I am not this journal will speak volumes about the possibility that my fibroid(s) are indeed wreaking havoc on me, and there may be a need for medical intervention. I know most docs stay lax about them... knowing they will go away on their own. But, if this thing is big enough to cause a second tri miscarriage, and mimic pregnancy symptoms during a non-pregnant cycle, then it is my humble opinion that there may be a need for some sort of surgery/medication to get rid of them (it).

ETA ETA ETA!!!
MY freaking boobs are freaking leaking people. Yes... sore nips started a few hours ago... I look down and WTF? I have drops of liquid!

I can ditch it and no one cares! LOL...

Been a while. Lots and lots has happened. Nothing I wanna rehash though.


So here I am, thinking I may have done something a little on the dumb side. So me and DH were ya know, doing the deed. And without being to gory, it ended up being a full injection. So to speak. Now, I said to him we should be totally safe! I have not been ovulating until CD 16 or 18 or more, so no worries! I NEVER ovulate early! Ha eh ahhh eh eh meh.

People... I may very well be in the running for a May baby. Lets break down my cycle here:

Spermjection occured on CD 9 (August 18th)

CD 11, I began to have watery CM and cramping and naseua and moodiness and sore boobies and yeah, I REALLY felt like AF was on its way.

The next day, CD 12 I had cramps in the evening (sharp and lo, right side mostly) and then some brown CM... hmmmm?

CD 13 brought more spotting and CM, and all of the same PRE AF symptoms that I had been having since CD 11. Along with feeling exhausted and worn down and extra crampiness.

CD 14 the spotting had subsided, and I moved onto more watery CM. LOTS of CM. The symptoms all subsided.. EXCEPT the crampiness, which became duller but still very there. (OH and we BD this night too... no j'ections tho.)

CD 15 nothing except those weird cramps. Turned into more of a tugging pulling feeling. Cm is now creamy and very abundant.

TODAY: CD 16. MORE of the cramps/pulls/achiness. CM is creamy, abundant, and starting to irritate me.

So.... breaking it down here is what we have: Possible ovulation around CD 12-13. (could be later too, ya know) Sperms can live up to 5 days inside, so catching the egg is a distinct possibilty.

And there is more! This is the MOST intense ovulation I have ever experienced. The symptoms were so pronounced, and this is the first time I have ever spotted during/around O time. Makes me wonder if maybe there was not more than one egg released... I know there is no way to know, lol. But I wonder just the same!

Well, hell. I am gonna do a daily diary of my symptoms. If I am pregnant, than I have a super detailed list of happiness to share (and proof that symptoms CAN and DO occur before that BFP shows)... OR.... this may be nothing but a huge waste of time and effort and I shall be left to feel icky once again.